Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

MeandO

Sending lots of love right back at ya CCL. What a horribly difficult time you’ve been having. This too shall pass, as they say. Keep smiling xx

Buffythedebtslayer

I LOVE that Primark in Tottenham Court road - my old supply agency is up there and I always popped in on my way back. And when that new HP section opened I went up especially! It is GREAT!

I too have been a hormonal nightmare this month must be some in the air.

Good on you for the work and the having of the dinner avec Mam. Lots of love to you XXXXXXX

crazy_cat_lady

Morning :hello: :coffee:
Don't know what it is with me... I don't know if it's the weather, my hormones, stress with family, stress with ex, money stress, lack of adult company or what, but I just don't feel that good. I feel quite reflective today and still tired. It's probably a combination of the lot.
I was thinking about a post I read on MT's diary about her making longer term plans and having something to work towards. I have a tendency not to make longer term plans because I'm not good at changing a plan once I've made it and I can't cope when things aren't going as planned. However, I have to have some sort of plan in place - something to look forward to and work towards... at the moment I feel a bit like I'm just bumbling through life and surviving one day at a time. There's so much uncertainty at the moment and I feel as though I can't really move forward with anything much.
I've been doing lots of thinking though about what I might want out of life. I'm generally very happy (although I may not appear to be at the moment). I love my kids and cats more than anything else in the world. I have a job (2 jobs actually) that I love doing and I am fortunate enough to earn enough money for me and the kids to live a reasonable lifestyle. I'm never going to be rich but I can afford to feed and clothe us, pay the bills and manage a few luxuries here and there (like our trips away). So I am very lucky, and very grateful to be in this position.
Some of the things that are getting me down are out of my control. This whole situation with my ex is starting to get a bit much again - I feel like the law really isn't on my side here. But I am doing everything that I can personally to keep that moving.
Equally the situation with my family at the moment. I am hurt. That's ok - I am entitled to have that feeling, I just need to ride with it and keep moving. I don't feel as if my ds has done anything very wrong, and if my family don't agree then I will do whatever I need to in order to protect him. Hopefully it won't come to that and with time I will feel better and things will move on.
So then it comes down to the two things it always comes down to. The two things that I never can quite get a hang on in my life - my money and me. These are things that are within my control but always seem to get the better of me.
My finances are a little out of control again at the moment. I know I can do it, because I've done it in the past. But I see my legal expenses and my debt going up and up and up, and it stresses me out, so I spend money which makes me feel better short term but makes the problem worse longer term. It is a symptom of the other problem that I have, which is me.
Now the problem with me is a lifelong thing, and something I never give up working on but I always seem to end up falling back into the default position which was brainwashed into me as a kid (I am the clever one and I will never be pretty - my sister has the opposite problem because she is the pretty one and will never be clever). I have this voice inside my head that I call the b I t c h voice - it's my voice now, which has taken over from my dad and the bullies at school when I was a kid. Every time I tell myself something like 'I will be ok and I will sort this out' my inner voice shouts in a very loud voice to me something like 'Who are you kidding? You know that you are useless at everything you do. You know people hate you and they are all laughing at you...' or words to that effect. I have planned this party for a couple of weeks time to celebrate my divorce, hired a venue, invited people and the b***h voice is saying 'You do know that nobody is going to come don't you? Nobody even likes you and you're going to be sitting there on your own looking like a fool.' Then when this voice is really loud in my head (as it is at the moment) I fall into all sorts of unhelpful thinking styles, like mind reading, catastrophising and only hearing things that fit in with my preconceived ideas. You might be able to tell that it's something I've done a lot of work on in counselling and CBT and I know all the little tricks etc but it's a really hard rut to get out of once you've fallen into it. It takes constant work to get out of my default mindset of being ugly, unattractive and being of no use to anyone. Please don't think I'm typing this for sympathy - I'm writing it down because that's how it is. I wouldn't ever speak to another human being the way I speak to myself sometimes and it's a really hard habit to break. I know that some of it isn't true - I know I'm smart, and helpful and kind and that some people like me. However, the one thing I can't get my head round is being the ugly one...
I am very overweight, no denying that - and I'm not pretty and I don't wear makeup. So I have literally zero physical attraction. I want to do something about it but then can't be bothered. Today I got up thinking I would invest in some makeup and start wearing a bit for work because it might make me feel better, but the reality is that I wouldn't know where to start and I actually don't think I could be bothered (dd spends ages doing her makeup every single day). Then I think I will do something about my weight, but then fall into the same trap as always about feeding me and the kids and I end up eating a massive bag of Revels or something, which reinforces the voice that tells me I'm a loser etc etc etc and I end up on that downward spiral. I was with my ex for 16 years - mid 20s until early 40s, and spent most of that time not feeling good enough, but thinking that I didn't deserve better and I should be grateful for what I had - because of my early conditioning.
I know people look at me and see a strong and independent woman who has made a go of her life in spite of what has been chucked in her direction, however I see someone that is completely faking it and in reality has nothing to offer anyone. It's strange, and again I'm genuinely not saying it for attention or sympathy but it's 100% how I feel. And when times get tough it's so easy to fall back into that default position instead of challenging things and taking risks to expand comfort zones.
So in summary, the thing I need to aim for is being happy within myself. This is easier said than done and will be something I need to work on for the rest of my life. I need a plan. Maybe a written budget, and a written meal plan. Who knows. At the moment I'm just doing lots of thinking...

Buffythedebtslayer

We are all faking to some extent, we ALL stay in our little zone with our ideas about ourselves. Everyone.

I think if you read my diary I am having a similar "thing" I wonder once you finish term our job is so high speed that in the holidays you get to stop and look round at what is actually happening and also I think because even tho I love my job so much a lot of it is the same so you don't feel like you are getting any older, suddenly I am in my forties. It is a surprise. I often liken school to being out at sea and in the holidays you are washed up on the beach and everything is completely different. It is hard to get a handle on things. At work you work to a system. For me without the system I can be a bit lost as like you I don't have a plan or a passion to motivate me on a different level(Mumblingstaff's diary also made me think). I think I have been thrown off course by family illness and believing the story I wrote myself years ago.

For example I am currently chatting to two guys, the first one is older, intellectual and very middle class/well off. I immediately "play" as his bit of rough in my head, intelligent but not posh enough. The other guy is supposed be a pilot and is utterly gorgeous. I have spent most of the conversation telling him why we wouldn't work (I don't have the money, time, clothes to hang out with a jet setting pilot!) and I don't feel I am good enough - much like D ick I didn't have the courage to say what I wanted or believe he could want me. It breaks me as this is why I am single. Complete lack of confidence with men. I haven't figured out how to overcome this yet!

I think in your case with your ex you really do need time to grieve over it all and give yourself a minute to say !!!! this really !!!!ing sucks and is screwing up the money side of things. All this mega stress, it is allowed to have you have a few down days. Probably more than a few.

And then do understand the reason why people say they see a strong independent woman is because that is what you are. And that isn't easy and getting things sorted out when you are it and you don't have a person next you for you with shared goals and ambitions is difficult.

You must see CCL, you have done things - the exam marking alone plus the other stuff, I don't know another teacher who can work like that.ridiculous ex. Minimal time off (incredible really) and two lovely kids. your home. You are truly amazing.

You probably do need a plan or a goal? Could it be fitness? do you want to pay off the mortgage? Do a round the world trip? Find a boyfriend? Research something? Gain more qualifications? Open a Cat sanctuary? collect something? garden? Savings?

I think the divorce has put on a sort of cliff edge in your life and you don't know what to jump off on to next. And that is ok, you don't need to know now, something will click. I don't think either of us are good at giving time to something - we work to timetables and specifications but actually this is an opportunity to see what we actually want.

Big love to you CCL

DawnW

((Hugs)) CCL. I was the 'clever' one from my difficult family background as well. It isn't easy, is it? It colours how you see the world, and more importantly, how you see yourself. I do think you are much more confident than me though. I have had quite high powered jobs, but there was always a scary feeling lurking at the back of my mind that I was a fraud in some sense, and would be 'found out'. My parents worked hard at menial jobs and had very little. They had few aspirations, were deferential to those whom they deemed their 'betters' (ie almost everyone outside our council estate) and felt safe, I suppose, in our allotted 'place' in life. The young me wasn't having that, but it stays with you no matter how many qualifications you get. My brothers rebelled in a different way, and that hasn't been easy to deal with either.

I can't be bothered with makeup either, and haven't done since I was in my 20s. Does it matter? I don't think so. As for the weight thing, that is more important for health reasons, and I need to lose some as well. I have done it before. I have to be in the right place mentally to really focus on it though, and I am not there at the moment. It is hardly surprising that you aren't managing it at the moment either. You have had one hell of a time recently, and all you can do until it passes (as it will, everything does) is to do your best, which you are doing, and be kind to yourself. You have a good knowledge of how you tick, and where it all comes from, and you know that your circumstances will improve eventually. Take care xx

PurpleFairy26

Hey cat another 'clever' sibling here :waves: can you set yourself some loose goals which gives you a bit of flexibility and a little less pressure on yourself. I.e. plan 2 meals a week, only shop with a list, weigh lighter than today in 4 weeks.....

But either way don't be too harsh on yourself. You're amazing. Maybe dig out some of you CBT tips or see if you can get another set of sessions?

crazy_cat_lady

Thanks ladies, for the love and encouragement, and most importantly for the understanding. It is good to know that I'm not the only one feeling as I do - although I think it's sad that so many of us do feel like that. I just sometimes wish that I was a bit better at blagging it sometimes, or that I genuinely didn't care what people thought of me. My sister is very much the same in that she has fallen into her pretty role easily and feels as though she's constantly trying to prove herself in terms of ability. Ironically she is a psychology lecturer with a PhD, but she too has Imposter Syndrome.
I do know what I want out of life (or I think I do). I want my ex out of my life legally, I want to clear my debt and I want to be happy with myself. I always thought if I was thin then I would be happy - but I've never been thin so I wouldn't really know. I just need a bit more confidence. Thing is, the debt and my shape are constant, long haul things which I don't know if I can do. But I suppose if I give up trying then I'll never get there. Fall down 7 times, get up 8 and all that... I don't want to be alone once the kids have left home but I'm very scared about meeting new people - I'm very introverted and I have been badly hurt so I'm just not ready for that at all yet
As with everything else, it needs to be small steps and one day at a time. Which, as you all say, is exactly what I'm doing.
Onwards...

Eager_Elephant

Can I just say that having seen a photo of CCL and her sister that both of them are beautiful.:smileyhea:smileyhea
Granted they look nothing alike but who is to say who is beautiful and who is not.

Having the pretty-clever thing drummed in to you as children is basically abuse and the consequences are far reaching.

My family were nothing like that but equally also never showed love, not in a hug and say you love people way but they provided for us and made sure we had a roof over our heads and were fed and clothed.
That has also left me with issues and I really struggle to show love and affection and I am saddened that my children grew up with not many hugs from me (although their dad was good at that, one of the few things he was good at)

I hope that in time you learn to love yourself and find happiness within yourself.
You deserve so much more than you give yourself credit and personally I think you are amazing:A:A

Every action starts with a plan so let today be Day 1:D:D

crazy_cat_lady

Thanks EE - you're too kind. I just looked at that photo - I absolutely hate it.
DD says if I want to start wearing makeup I need to do it in small bits and that I should maybe start with just mascara for a few weeks, then upgrade to brows and mascara and so on. Bless her - I can't believe I have an almost 15 year old, and such a gorgeous and well rounded one as well.
Yes, today will be day 1. I will do my positive affirmations and decluttering. Although have been out for lunch with my mam and stepdad (paid for by them).
Tomorrow I am going out with my sister for afternoon tea, and to finalise the party arrangements and pay for it. I am a bit anxious about it as ds and her dd will also be there but I am going to say it will be make or break.
On top of everything else it has now rained for a solid 24 hours which is not ideal.

beanielou

On the make up front how about a light tinted mosturiser to start with?
Every second day to start with?
Lip salve with a bit of colour?
That's my good to go.

I have no self confidence at all.
I put it down be being bullied at school.
Being constantly being called a !!!!!!! & little gems is not good for self confidence. Nor the physical stuff.