One partner not working through choice

easy

If you can afford not to work, and would see yourself being happy not working, then for goodness sake - GO FOR IT!.

The argument about "having to ask your hubby for money" doesn't wash. My mother was a home-maker (my sister and I born disabled, so she had enough to do when we were little), and my father simply paid her an allowance each month. He always said that was her salary for all the cooking and caring she did - my father never washed or ironed his shirts (or anything else for that matter), nor cooked a meal - this was in the 60's & 70's of course.
Once that pattern is established between you, you don't have to ask him for money all the time.

Really, it's only similar to DH and I, he earns twice my salary, so all our grocery shopping goes onto a credit card that is DD'ed from his account every month, and any holidays/meals out are usually paid for by him.

If we could afford it, I would "retire" in a heartbeat, and look after those who really appreciate me.

Gloomendoom

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Or treating him to a birthday present with his money.... I like to do my part.

It wouldn't be his money, and you would be doing your part.

He would be earning money to support his family and that includes you and your children. You would be doing your part by doing all the household related stuff you have mentioned.

When it was the norm for women not to work, it wasn't that uncommon for a man to hand over his entire pay packet to his wife and she would give him pocket money from it.

It's family money.

NeilCr

Gloomendoom wrote: »

It wouldn't be his money, and you would be doing your part.

He would be earning money to support his family and that includes you and your children. You would be doing your part by doing all the household related stuff you have mentioned.



It's family money.

I don't disagree with any of that- or the previous post. That works well for a number of people.

It's not really, for some though, about asking for money. It's more about their own sense of financial independence. And, I know a few folks who have struggled with that- particularly, if they don't work at all.

There isn't any right or wrong. Similarly, when we have discussed joint or separate accounts, it's about the right fit for the people involved.

FWIW having seen Fireflyaway's comments on this thread it feels like the part time working option is the best choice.

Spendless

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Thanks for all these viewpoints. To answer a few questions, I'm 38 and married 15 years. I can work flexible hours so I normally do 8:30am - 4:30pm to fit around school. I'm just finding i miss meeting my mum and doing jobs in the week when it's quieter. I enjoyed going for a walk and tidying up the house when it was empty rather than hoovering around my family! I'm feeling all I do now is work and sleep. I don't hate my job but I don't particularly like it either. Maybe I'm just lazy.
I never thought about bigger spends. Day to day I don't need much but I'd hate to feel I'm pressuring my husband if we wanted a big holiday or there is an expensive school trip. Or treating him to a birthday present with his money.... I like to do my part.
Maybe part time in a role i enjoy is a good compromise. Bit of financial independence, enough time to do stuff I enjoy.

If you can be flexible with your hours, why don't you work later one day a week and let your child make their own way home from school (I think he's Secondary school age?) and then have an early finish and go home to hoover or coffee with your Mum etc.

What you're missing to me is your 'me' time because you are going from seeing child off to school to work to picking child up to home with everyone there.

Whether you like your job is a separate matter - establish whether you need to do different hours first. That way you know whether to look for part-time or full-time work if you decide to apply elsewhere.

Fireflyaway

cjdavies wrote: »

Sounds a bit controlling, you don't work, you have to rely on me to provide.

Not in my circumstance. My husband made the suggestion as he knows I'm not 100% happy. He would be happy for me to work full time, part time or not at all. To me that's being considerate.

Fireflyaway

Spendless wrote: »

If you can be flexible with your hours, why don't you work later one day a week and let your child make their own way home from school (I think he's Secondary school age?) and then have an early finish and go home to hoover or coffee with your Mum etc.

What you're missing to me is your 'me' time because you are going from seeing child off to school to work to picking child up to home with everyone there.

Whether you like your job is a separate matter - establish whether you need to do different hours first. That way you know whether to look for part-time or full-time work if you decide to apply elsewhere.

Yes it is the me time I miss. I feel like I'm always doing something. always doing lots of things badly to be honest! My role won't allow me to work part time but I could find another job of course.
Yes my child is secondary age. I have 27 days holiday and there are 17 weeks school holiday so that's another issue to contend with! More time off during school holidays would be nice. I don't want to miss my child growing up or not spend time with my parents. There will be a time when my child will grow up and move out and my parents will move on too. I can't get that time back.

sheramber

I gave up work when I accompanied my husband when he was working away for a period.

When we came back I was at home full time for a few weeks until my I was offered a temporary summer job at my old job.

At the end of the 8 weeks i was offered a further period.

My husband said he liked me being at home when he came home from work and the house had been 'lived in'.

I was happy staying at home and I was happy at work.

WE decided I would stay at home. It was a joint decision.

After 3 years we started a family and I was a SAHM until my husband was made redundant 14 years later. I loved not working. I looked after our large garden. I did all the decorating. I had ME time when the kids were at school to walk the dog, play badminton and ,of course, bake, make homemade meals and be there for my kids when they came home from school and the liked having me there when they came home.

I had intended going back to work when my younger son was at high school but my husband was made redundant when he was in last year at primary school

I then found a job to support us while he started a business.

He sold the business 18 months before I retired so again i was sole breadwinner for that time.

At no time did either of us feel guilty about supporting the family.

We never had his money/ my money. It was all OUR money and we each withdrew what we needed/wanted when we needed it.

We still operate like that

Our pensions go into a joint account and our savings are invested singly and jointly to get the best return.
We spend what we as we want/need without asking the other..

It probably helps that we have similar wants.

suki1964

cjdavies wrote: »

Sounds a bit controlling, you don't work, you have to rely on me to provide.

Why do some people always have to jump on the "controlling" or "abusive" wagon on this board?

I stopped working regularly in a full time well paid role aged 35 I think. Illness was the reason at the start, but then it worked well to have me home, even though we didn't have children

Over the years since Ive had a variety of "little jobs", nothing like I did before, but they have all been jobs that have suited me and my needs.Right now Im in a permanat job where I get on average 20 hrs a week which suits me down to the ground as I get four days off - 2 with Mr Suki and 2 on my own to do my own thing like go out for lunch with friends

We are never going to retire rich, but it means I have some money for myself that I haven't withdrawn from the joint account. And no matter how generous and sharing the wage earner is, I think its natural to feel a bit of guilt about spending what you haven't earned

So Id say go for it. If you aren't fussed about a career then theres loads of work out there offering short hours which will give you your personal spends, but allow you to live your life how you want

You can always reassess the situation in a year.

Spendless

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Yes it is the me time I miss. I feel like I'm always doing something. always doing lots of things badly to be honest! My role won't allow me to work part time but I could find another job of course.
Yes my child is secondary age. I have 27 days holiday and there are 17 weeks school holiday so that's another issue to contend with! More time off during school holidays would be nice. I don't want to miss my child growing up or not spend time with my parents. There will be a time when my child will grow up and move out and my parents will move on too. I can't get that time back.

27 day hol plus the 8 bank hols? That's a generous hol allowance as well as flexi time.

Unless you work in a school or have a term-time job, no AL covers all school hols and this will becomes less of an issue within a year or two anyway as your child becomes more independent anyway and wants to spend more time with friends.

Childcare in the early Secondary school years can be problematic. Mine used to attend sports/dance/drama camps for this reason when they became too old for childcare but not old enough to be home alone all day everyday.

Do you take your annual leave in the hols when the state schools are still open? If you do, you could cover the other weeks when camps I've described are open.

How does your flexi time work, could you build time up in term time and work shorter hours in some of the holiday weeks?

Does your OH take time off to help out?

Tabbytabitha

Gloomendoom wrote: »

It wouldn't be his money, and you would be doing your part.

He would be earning money to support his family and that includes you and your children. You would be doing your part by doing all the household related stuff you have mentioned.

When it was the norm for women not to work, it wasn't that uncommon for a man to hand over his entire pay packet to his wife and she would give him pocket money from it.

It's family money.

If one partner was at home with a couple of pre school age children then that could definitely be described as "doing your part" but I don't think that's the case with one child at secondary school - however clean the house!

I agree with the post about needing to remain financially independent as one never knows what the future holds - death, divorce and disability can happy to anybody.