New Sticky? What To Do When A Partner/Spouse Leaves

surfwidow80

Just needed some advise really like everyone else on this thread.

My boyfriend walked out on me after 12 years of being together.The day after my birthday, and the day before we found out whether my dads chemo treatment was working. We own a house together, and 6 months ago, he advised me that he ws £35,000 in debt. (£10,000 of which I knew about and then we added to the mortgage.) I stuck by him and told him we would get through it. He asked me to take control of his finances, but has since decided he wants his independance to spend his money when he wants to, and do what he wants to do.
Financially, we done the house up - but i spent the majority of money on this. I am gutted inside as we have about £60,000 of equity in the house, and the last thing i want is for him to have it easy, and use his half to pay off his debts when i put all the money into the house. Where do i stand? Surely, he is not entitled to half of the equity?I have his wage slips and credit card bills - would this be enough to proove that his incomings were the same as his outgoings, therefore not contributing towards the renovations.
Also, i have since found out he has changed his name by deed poll. How will this affect the sale of the house?
Do i have the right to ask for the house keys back - after all, he walked away from it all?
Would appreciate any help anyone can give.??
Thanks.

kisto

surfwidow80 wrote: »

Just needed some advise really like everyone else on this thread.

My boyfriend walked out on me after 12 years of being together.The day after my birthday, and the day before we found out whether my dads chemo treatment was working. We own a house together, and 6 months ago, he advised me that he ws £35,000 in debt. (£10,000 of which I knew about and then we added to the mortgage.) I stuck by him and told him we would get through it. He asked me to take control of his finances, but has since decided he wants his independance to spend his money when he wants to, and do what he wants to do.
Financially, we done the house up - but i spent the majority of money on this. I am gutted inside as we have about £60,000 of equity in the house, and the last thing i want is for him to have it easy, and use his half to pay off his debts when i put all the money into the house. Where do i stand? Surely, he is not entitled to half of the equity?I have his wage slips and credit card bills - would this be enough to proove that his incomings were the same as his outgoings, therefore not contributing towards the renovations.
Also, i have since found out he has changed his name by deed poll. How will this affect the sale of the house?
Do i have the right to ask for the house keys back - after all, he walked away from it all?
Would appreciate any help anyone can give.??
Thanks.

Hi,

I am not able to offer you any practical advice as I have no knowledge or experience in this area but did want to at least reply and send you some virtual ((((hugs))))

TotallyBroke

I'm at work and just checked online banking and found more cash spent on online gambling. I've begged him not to keep doing it and I've threatened everytime it's his final warning. But he still does it. He has text me asking if he can go to bingo with his mate. (we went to bingo last night) I replied it was upto him. Only he can decide what is more important to him. Bingo or finding somewhere to live as the last chance was his last chance. He has since replied saying he will stay in the spare room until he finds somewhere.
I thought I'd be upset, I know I'm at work and can't cry but I don't want to. I'm not sure I want him to stay tonight. I want to punish him for hurting me all the time but in the same breath I don't want him sleeping on a bench tonight. I'm angry and need somewhere to prattle on. Just typing is releasing the anger although the tears are starting to fall now as I am. At the moment I'm not looking for advice I just want to get through the weekend with our son I just happened to notice this thread and thought I'd type. I do hope though that if I come back asking for advice you will all help me. Thanks

surfwidow80

Thanks for your thoughts Kisto.

donella_2

(((hugs))) to you all

Anxious1 my husband when he left told me there was no one else. But he always had plans (and was too busy to talk) and then a few months down the line after he spent time telling me he was coming back home and he was sorry, let slip that there was someone else at work and she was thinking about going back to her husband. Then the following week he moved in with her and told me I had misinterpreted what he meant!:mad: So in my experience there is someone else and they think the grass is greener on the other side!

Have your talk with him and make sure you know what you want and tell him. You must get legal advice if you decide to seperate. Alot of people find relate helps. My husband refused to go to relate.

Surfwidow80 you must seek legal help asap, your problems are obviously complicated. I think it comes down to whose name is on the deeds of the house, whose name is the mortgage in and whose name the debts are in.

Firestorm if you didn't like your solicitor you can always find another one

(((hugs)))

Try and sort it legally as soon as possible, while everything is being amicable.

It is very hard to try and accept a relationship is over and sometimes it seems an unsurmountable struggle. I am two years down the line now and I still have bad days. I had to accept that the person I fell in love with isn't the same anymore unfortunatly I still have to see him as we have young children.

Good luck I hope things work out as you wish them to.

(((hugs)))

Kimitatsu

Evening Ladies

I just wanted to tell you all that you are all amazing and however you are feeling now, given time you will all come out of it stronger for the experience and whilst bruised knowing that you can all survive whatever life throws at you.

Anxious1 - my husband kept telling me there was no-one else for a long time, then had an affair whilst on a business trip. It was only later that I found out there were several others before her. The grass is always greener and it was only after several failed relationships after that he tried to come back, but by that time I had picked myself up. It was hard but it was the best decision I ever made, it gave me the chance to move on and find myself again, rather than x's wife. Take good care of yourself, dont beat yourself up, and give yourself the chance to grieve. He has already absolved himself of any blame by the sounds of things, but just as it takes two to make a marriage it takes two to break one as well, bear that in mind when it comes to discussing things.

Surfwidow - you would need to take legal advice but there is a piece of legislation that allows you to get the ratio of profits in the sale of the house equal to the amount of the deposit that you each put in. The legal system is also changing so that if you have any children the courts have the right to allocate the equity in the house as they would if you were married, mind you this only helps if you have children. Otherwise if you put in the same amount of money at the start I think you will find that he is deemed to have an equal share - however he cannot claim your equity to pay of bills in his name. Really though you need to seek proper legal advice, many solicitors give the first half hour free.

Firestorm - she who pays decides with whom she stays! It took me three solicitors before I found one I really liked! You have the right to interview them just like anything else.

Good luck to all of you there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise! I was there 8 years ago, and wouldnt change a thing now, although at the time I was not so sure

surfwidow80

Thankyou to you all for taking the time out to advise me.
I have since got the keys back to the house.
When i feel strong enough, i will try and seek legal advise. When we bought the house, we did not put down a deposit, so its seems that my worse fears are likely that he will be able to walk away with a handsome profit to clear his debts, all for putting a very small amount into paying for the renovations.
thanks again.

firestorm

It gets worse. I think my H has seriously lost the plot.

He informed me last night (in front of the children) that he is seeing his solicitor tomorrow & plans to push ahead with a Divorce, despite the fact that he agreed to 5 sessions with Relate then if that didnt work, Family Mediation.

He now seems to want to do everything through legal channels. WHY? All im interested in is a decent home for the kids. The stupid thing is that if he does use this route he will probably end up worse off than if we did the mediation.

The main losers in this situation will be the children. He has no regard whatsoever for how his behaviour is affecting them. :mad: Is there any way I can legally get him out before he completely screws them up?

emjem_3

Bump......................

Anxious1

thank you for your kind words. We spoke at the weekend and his feelings hadn't changed. He'd giving our situation at lot of thought with regards to living and financial arrangements. I'm deverstated.