New Sticky? What To Do When A Partner/Spouse Leaves

firestorm

I have spoken to a solicitor, but they were useless, so its put me off going to anyone else at the moment. Might go to the CAB, I know they have a legal person there sometimes.

Anxious1

This post is a great idea. 2 days ago my husband decided he doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t know where we are but I’m the last to know. I’m still in complete shock so we’ve not discussed our relationship yet as I’m worried I’ll say something I don’t mean which won’t help.

I like the idea of starting a diary, which I did last night and I wrote 2000 words which really started to help. Well I’m not crying at the moment which is an improvement. It helped me get clear how I feel about things.

I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself which I hate but I can’t help it. Ideally I should be talking to my husband but I’m just not ready, I need time.

firestorm

(((hugs))) I was in that place 3 months ago & I know exactly how you are feeling right now.

Yes, its still very much unresolved for me, but I am so much stronger than I was back then. Im over the initial heartbreak & you will get over it too I promise.

Just focus on your new life, new home etc etc, (however far in the future it may be) whatever gets you through the day.

Anxious1

I'm not sure if I'm kidding myself but wondering if I should think that we'll work through it. I'm not sure thats what he was asking, I think he was asking me to come to terms with our relationship being over. He was talking about if we split, didn't I realise how bad it is, etc so he's given it alot of thought.

I feel like such a failure.

firestorm

Dont feel a failure. If the marriage has broken down its due to faults on both sides, not one. (No matter what he may say)

Have you looked into seeing Relate together? We have had two sessions now & my H has just asked me to cancel the third because he`s too busy at work. (He`s known what date the session is on for over a week so its no excuse) For us it cannot help because H isnt willing to admit to any faults or even try to make an effort. I actually think the only reason he agreed to go was so it would look favourable should we end up in court. However, if you are both committed to saving the relationship then I believe this process can work & is certainly worth a try.

Has he indicated what the problem in the relationship is as far as he is concerned? Has he moved out? Do you have children to consider? If so, is he making an effort to consider their feelings? (Unfortunately my H, has no regard to anyones feelings other than his own)

Anxious1

We're not talking yet. He can't do tonight because he has plans.

Today his mother told me that he said that over the last year I had changed, we no longer do anything together and if he suggests something I knock him back as I would rather watch TV. I can't accept this, I just can't. True or False is it a reason to end a marriage?

After telling me 3 days ago, he left for the evening, I saw him briefly 2 nights ago when he collected clothes and he's made no attempt to stay at our home. I don't know what his plans are, since he told me, I've not said very much as i was so in shock I didn't ask him to stay away.

Maybe I'm being selfish but what could be more important than us trying to talk?

We don’t have children, when he told me he didn’t love me, he did say – at least there aren’t any children.

His mum also tells me he says there is nobody else.

kisto

Evening Anxious1,

So sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully you will find writing things down helps. It certainly did for me - and reading back over my diary made me realise how far I've come.

It sounds like you are very confused about your current circumstances. As it's early days I suggest that you keep in the back of your head that you'd like to work things through and chat with your husband. It's not selfish wanting to talk - it's the decent, civilised thing to do. However, as he's seemingly unwilling to communicate you are left in limbo and this is not a nice feeling. I found handling the practicalities of day to day life helped get me through so it might pay you to concentrate on this for now because it is something that you can do. Find out where you stand with your house (is it rented or do you own it?). Do you have enough money to live on and pay the bills? Look after yourself and make sure that your needs are met. Carry on your life as best as you can.

Maybe in his own time your husband will feel able to communicate with you. At least as you are writing things down you will have some sense and order to the thoughts/feelings that are running through your head.

Take Care

Anxious1

Thanks for your message.

We own our home and I can’t afford our outgoings on my own. We both have our own accounts, with a separate account for mortgage and bills. He contributes £500 but I’m already at my limit and don’t have anymore. If he continues paying then our commitments are covered, the only non-essentials are sky and internet totalling £60.

I worked today and found it very difficult; I was snapping and was almost in tears at the slightest thing. I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow morning to discuss time off.

My husband has suggested we talk tomorrow afternoon or Saturday so hopefully the limbo feeling will be improved.

I am very confused, still numb, not really sure what I heard or where we go from here. I’m not good with conflict and I don’t think I stand up for myself very much, I’ve always been happy to compromise so that’s my nature now. I don’t know what to expect when we talk.

Because this is all surreal I’ve been questioning whether I’ve been happy in the last year, I thought I had been but now I’ve been told we’ve not been I don’t know what to think.

My worst fear is that I’m not being asked to think about how we can fix things, I’m being asked to come to terms with our relationship is over and how to move on.

kisto

Anxious1 wrote: »

Thanks for your message.

We own our home and I can’t afford our outgoings on my own. We both have our own accounts, with a separate account for mortgage and bills. He contributes £500 but I’m already at my limit and don’t have anymore. If he continues paying then our commitments are covered, the only non-essentials are sky and internet totalling £60.

I worked today and found it very difficult; I was snapping and was almost in tears at the slightest thing. I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow morning to discuss time off.

My husband has suggested we talk tomorrow afternoon or Saturday so hopefully the limbo feeling will be improved.

I am very confused, still numb, not really sure what I heard or where we go from here. I’m not good with conflict and I don’t think I stand up for myself very much, I’ve always been happy to compromise so that’s my nature now. I don’t know what to expect when we talk.

Because this is all surreal I’ve been questioning whether I’ve been happy in the last year, I thought I had been but now I’ve been told we’ve not been I don’t know what to think.

My worst fear is that I’m not being asked to think about how we can fix things, I’m being asked to come to terms with our relationship is over and how to move on.

Unfortunately I can't help very much with the mortgage side of things as I was in a private rent when I separated from my ex. Members on the DFW boards will be able to help you better in that area, if you feel up to posting on there.

Whilst it may not be good for you to be at work if your mind is not fully on the job, it may also not be good for you to be alone with your thoughts at home. Only you will know what is best for you. When I separated I found work (albeit voluntary work) a welcome distraction and escape from my troubles at home - I hated rattling around at home faced with constant reminders of the 'past'.

Try to find some sense in amongst, what I imagine, is very confused thoughts and feelings. Writing down will help you with this, then perhaps by the time you speak to your husband this weekend you will have a bit of clarity and understanding regarding how you feel. It's probably good to question how you've felt over the last year, but don't let others influence this as only you really know how things have been. If you feel you've been happy in the last year, then please don't deny yourself this bit of history. Perhaps it's easier for your husband to pass the buck so to speak, rather than admit that it is actually him that's been unhappy? Maybe he's not able to carry that burden on his own so it's easier to say that you weren't happy too. Be kind to yourself.

I also can sense how difficult it is for you to come to terms with the fact that your marriage might be over, especially as you sound willing to compromise to make things work - but that only works if both parties are willing.

I hope that you manage to speak with your husband at the weekend and that it clears up some of the confusion and uncertainty for you. Stay strong and take care.

firestorm

I also found that being at work helped to take my mind off what was going on. If I had been at home I would of spent all day crying dwelling on things.

I think that Relate would be a good idea for you if you can manage to get him to agree to attend. If he refuses then the next logical step would be mediation to sort out your finances.