Partner never uses my name, is this weird

vodkafrog

takman wrote: »

If you say to him "What's my name?" will he say your name then?.



I've read all your posts on here and just wonder what he would do in a situation where he needs to get your attention but is unable to come to you. Such as if you get separated in a shopping centre and he can see you walking on the level below looking for him. So he needs to get your attention before he looses sight of you. Do you think he still wouldn't say your name?

Re if I asking whats my name- Yes he can say my name, but for some reason has chosen not to.

Interesting point, Im not sure. However I do suspect he would just follow me, as I have no memory of him every shouting my name out when in public to gain my attention.

maman

vodkafrog wrote: »

Yes I have told him quite clearly that not using any term be it my name, shortened version that family use or 'love. dear, hun ect upsets me.

He acknowledged that he doesnt use any name to address me anymore and apologized, but couldn't give a reason, cause or his thought process behind it. Nor has he made any steps to change this behaviour.

Obviously you wouldn't have started and pursued this thread if it didn't bother you so much. To me that's what matters most of all. He's knowingly persisting with doing something that upsets you. It could be that he doesn't think it's as important to you as it obviously is or he's lazy or, worse, he just doesn't care. I'd just keep waiting for him to add in your name or other acceptable form of address until he learns a new habit. It's a bit like waiting for small children to add the 'little magic word' when they ask for something.


My DH rarely calls me by my name unless he's talking about me to someone else. Such as 'Maman's not in at the moment, can I take a message?'. When he's talking to me it's usually Sweetie or some other term of endearment. When I speak to him I usually use one of the shortened forms of his name that his family use. It's my experience that people who are used to friends and family calling them Joe or Jenny think they're in trouble if you call them Joseph or Jennifer.:D


What I do find irritating (and ageing:() is that my DD's have taken to calling me Nanny both when the grandchildren are around and when they're not. I noticed that DD1 even has me saved on her phone as Nanny!:mad: At least she doesn't write it on birthday cards.

Pollycat

maman wrote: »

Obviously you wouldn't have started and pursued this thread if it didn't bother you so much.

I think the not using the OP's name is an actual 'thing' that the OP has picked on that is just part of a general dissatisfaction in the relationship.

vodkafrog wrote: »

I suppose the 'not using my name', is just one symptom of an overall gradual reduction in the affection he shows. I think I had just really just put that down to age, busy lives ect. However having had a few days to think and looking at some of the other views that have been offered, Ive almost answered my own question. Quite sad really as he is a nice man, but maybe we just haven't travelled along the same path so to speak. I had envisaged my later years to still have some degree of affection and intimacy with maybe more time to spend together. Rather the current situation feels more like that of a house share situation.

Maybe she didn't even realise until she posted on here.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

I think the not using the OP's name is an actual 'thing' that the OP has picked on that is just part of a general dissatisfaction in the relationship.


Maybe she didn't even realise until she posted on here.

Yep. I tend to agree with this.

My partner and I don't live together. We were out on Monday - and as well as discussing this thread - I took account of how often we used each other's names. We didn't - and, to be honest, I can't remember the last time we did! Interestingly, (well ish anyway) I talk to my ex for an hour or so each week on the phone. Think I used her name 3-4 times on Sunday and she used mine twice.

I did ask my partner what she thought about the issue. She said if it was a deliberate act (as the OP is indicating) then it was really not a nice thing to do at all.

HappyLassie13

I agree with your partner NeilCr

I have also discussed this with my OH, and what i think bothers me the most out of OP's is the fact of asking everyone else in the room their chose drink and not OP. To me, i would see that as deliberate. My OH said "i'd just shout HappyLassie, what do you want?" without giving it a second thought.

I don't think its the fact of Op's name not being said all day every day, i think its the basic situations where it should be being said, for example, one upstairs one down stairs, i'd shout down "Mr HappyLassie" and he would do the same. But in the same room, on our own, we would just say something without referencing one another.

maman

HappyLassie13 wrote: »

I don't think its the fact of Op's name not being said all day every day, i think its the basic situations where it should be being said, for example, one upstairs one down stairs, i'd shout down "Mr HappyLassie" and he would do the same. But in the same room, on our own, we would just say something without referencing one another.

I agree. Surely what OP is upset about is a basic lack of good manners before looking beneath the surface.

If I was in a room with anyone and there was nobody else there I'd not use their name.

This thread has made me monitor my DH and he definitely uses my name regularly!

Smodlet

It is about basic courtesy, which stems from basic respect. Would your partner, vodkafrog, speak to some stranger in the street asking for directions in the same way he speaks to you? I know he would not know their name; I am talking about tone, eye contact, body language. I bet he would not.

vodkafrog

Thank you all for your thoughts, reflections, opinions and mini audits on this matter. They have helped me greatly and motivated me to not just let this matter be pushed under the carpet so to speak, as this is what my OH has tried to do, successfully on past occasions when I have raised the issue.

Over this last week I have persisted in communicating how much this behaviour upsets me, whilst also attempting to make sense of what has caused this. I have been honest in expressing to him that if it has been something that I have done, not done, or something he perceives I've done, that has been the catalyst to this behaviour, then I need to know, so as we can explore how it can be resolved.

For the majority of the week its been somewhat of an impasse, with the state of play being OH acknowledging the upset this is causing me, him apologising for it and offering to change in the future. However I did feel that unless we could identify the cause, then any time of short term resolution would be just papering over the cracks, only for them to reappear .

A slight shift yesterday has us in the position of my OH saying that he thinks that he started this behaviour as a way of punishing, or getting his own back me when we have had a disagreement or upset, bearing in mind this has now gone on for nearly two years now. In my eyes those arguments or tiffs happened, been resolved and forgotten, but clearly my OH has had a different view and not been able to communicate it in any other way. I am quite shocked, given that albeit I refer to 'arguments', we are not an explosive type of couple so these arguments are not something that in our relationship have never happened on a regular basis, nor as I can ever remember been over anything other that trivial things.

My concern now is that following this disclosure my OH is just wanting to move on, forget it and continue with our relationship. Im not sure that I can do that. Im still in some degree of shock that something I may have said, or upset him about two years ago has been having an impact on our relationship today. I have some fear that this may not just simply go away, Im already emotionally bruised. Im not sure what to do for the best.

Brighton_belle

You have done well to not drop this and keep exploring it. But in a way, is there not a danger that now he has finally opened up and been honest,you will do exactly what he feared and be angry and walk away? Therefore he was 'right (in is mind) to never say anything or 'talk'.
It sounds like he has given it thought because he didn't know why he did it and having done a bit of requested naval gazing he has had a revelation that it was habit that no longer had any validity for him, it is just a bad, ingrained habit. Know he knows this, it is ow he behaves in future that counts now.
Keep talking.

Tygermoth

Wow, thats an epic sulk!

Two years..... the mind boggles. To have got so mad at someone that they make a conscious decision decide to treat them as a non person and then to forget the original instigating factor.

That's shockingly persistent, next level passive aggressive behaviour!