Partner never uses my name, is this weird

vodkafrog

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

That is a bit weird. Even though he can't explain why he does it, is he willing to try to change and address you by your name when you've asked him to? That is what matters I think, if he won't do something so basic when you've told him that its important to you and makes you feel cared about, well why not?

Yes sadly, thats my thoughts. I do hope him having some time to reflect on why its important to me may help.

NeilCr

vodkafrog wrote: »

I would be delighted if he ever addressed me as 'hun', 'love' or any other common term of endearment. Ive given quite a bit of thought to why is bothers me so much and I think that its just such a marked difference as to how he referrer or uses the names of others in our family . His lack of ever using my given name, term of endearment or any other commonly used terms we use to attract the attention of those close to us must take him quite an effort. I have raised it again today so we shall see how this progresses, and as others have said I suppose either he changes, or if not, I need to decide if thats ok for me.

To be honest the fact that he doesn't use your name or anything else is most likely that he feels very comfortable and settled with you. He doesn't need, like with family and friends, to be specific.

We don't use those terms of endearment much. And, actually, I call many of my female friends Hun too!. We don't need to - I guess we are just natural and know what's going on with each other.

System

My husband doesnt use my name either. He calls me :

'Wo"
"10" (long story )

What infuriates me most is if the writes me a note he writes my name as Judy.

dogcat_2

vodkafrog wrote: »

He would never use my name or term to address or gain my attention. He just launches into what he wants to say, if I dont hear him he would walk over and say it again.

The best example I can give is earlier today, we have two friends and one son around for lunch. My partner shouted from the kitchen that he was making drinks... we were all busy chatting and only one of the friends replied. My partner then shouted in each other person by name, asking what they would like to drink. He didn't shout my name, but finished by repeating who he was making drinks for and saying 'is that it'. Whilst on its own, not an unusual situation, but this behaviour of never saying my name is repeated in all areas of our lives. He does acknowledge that he does it, but cant give a reason or even his thoughts behind why he does it.

I would find this very rude, especially in front of guests, I would of had to say something to him that would maybe make him think he had done wrong.

TheMagician

This is very interesting and something I've come across before.
Are there any issues other than this in the relationship? Emotional control issues specifically? Not saying the name can be a way of withholding intimacy. Again, any issues in that area?
Don't expect you to reply here but it seems to me the issues run deeper.

MalMonroe

My ex-husband never used to use my name, maybe that's why we are no longer together? I DID think it was weird and started to have a bit of an increased inferiority complex about my name . . . which to be honest, I'd always had. I did notice it and it did bother me. I wish I'd asked him about it before we split up!

badmemory

I do have one male friend who never ever uses any woman's name. He uses a man's name when appropriate. I've known him over 50 years now (since our teens) he has always been the same. It avoids him calling someone by the wrong name, essential if you are involved with more than one woman at a time as he normally is. On the rare occasion he uses my name it isn't the name everybody else uses, that's because one of his children (they are all over 40) discovered he was having an affair with someone with my name. It's an interesting/complicated life some people lead!

Detroit

It's actually more common than you think.

There are various reasons that could be behind it, and the general state of your relationship in other areas should indicate whether it should be a concern.

For example, if it's coupled with a general withdrawal or reduction of respect or attention shown to you, it may be part of a disengagement. However, it would be highly unlikely to be the only sign you notice.

If everything else is fine, perhaps he simply fell out of the habit. As others say, you don't usually need to use a person's name if it's obvious who you're addressing, and not to do so could be part of the intimacy between you.

After a while, it may then feel strange to start using your name again, especially 'on demand' as it were.

Other options if it's become an issue comparatively recently is perhaps he's started to associate your name with someone else of the same name and is perhaps subconsciously separating the two in his mind.

If it's a longer term issue, perhaps on some level he doesn't like your name, has negative associations with it, thinks it doesn't represent you for him, or simply doesn't suit you. He may not even know this consciously.

Whatever the reason, but particularly if it's just a habit, I think you may make it worse by making it into too big an issue.

You have drawn attention to a key part of the way he communicates with you, and in doing so, both are now very aware of this.

If he starts using your name it will feel like a big deal. It's already a big deal that he doesn't. That will not make for comfortable interaction between you whatever he does.

If everything else in the relationship is good, is it something you could live with?

WibblyGirly

My ex called my babe, very generic, never used my actual name.
When my partner now uses my name it makes me warm and fuzzy inside. We do have nicknames too. I much prefer my nickname of Barry over babe. (I'm a girl, but he calls me Barry sometimes) We have more than one nickname for each other and our cat has even more!

I'd maybe have another talk with your partner and say how it upsets you. If he is dismissive again I'd weigh up pros/cons and decide how big a deal this actually is in the grand scheme of life and if its something you can accept.

Tabbytabitha

vodkafrog wrote: »

I would be delighted if he ever addressed me as 'hun', 'love' or any other common term of endearment. Ive given quite a bit of thought to why is bothers me so much and I think that its just such a marked difference as to how he referrer or uses the names of others in our family . His lack of ever using my given name, term of endearment or any other commonly used terms we use to attract the attention of those close to us must take him quite an effort. I have raised it again today so we shall see how this progresses, and as others have said I suppose either he changes, or if not, I need to decide if thats ok for me.

NeilCr wrote: »

My OH says "oi you".!

This did make me think. We don't live together and, if we are out, we are either in a pair or in a group. In both cases it's extremely unusual for us to use each other's name. I might say "Hun" to her and she says "luv" to me but it isn't necessary. It just flows

Talking about her - as opposed to to her - is completely different

I'm with Pollycat here. If it's an issue raise it

If my partner or anybody else called me "Hun" I'd consider it a shooting offence!