A place for my thoughts

Comms69

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not exactly sure what 'enjoying computer games' really means.
I play the odd game on my phone, usually when I'm on the bus (40 minute journey).
That's usually sudoku, a word game, brain training type stuff. I'm not into Candy Crush.
Is that the same thing?
Just curious really - sorry to go off-topic.

Haha - join a party with friends, chat about nonsense, play cooperative games (shooters for me), have a laugh.


Imagine a virtual pub meet up, but with an activity.

Fireflyaway

To be honest it sounds like your husband is a pretty good guy. Your family like him, he treats you well, helps in the house, sex is good etc. Nobody is going to be perfect and I'm sure you do some things he doesn't like. Computer games is better than gambling or going off down the pub for hours.
Maybe the being attracted to other men is a hormonal thing? I've had a desire recently to have another baby. Deep down I don't want one. If I stop to think about the impact it would have on our family would be a negative one. I've put it down to being nearly 40 and my body telling me to do it before its too late! Just ignore it. Don't risk what you have. Even the most attractive successful man would bore you after long enough!
Maybe think up some long term plans to work on together?

svain

I loved playing computer games as a kid (1980's Atari etc) and had the technology been as advanced as today i would of been in my element. However, as an adult i wouldnt play, in fact no-one in my social circle do (mid 30's - 50's age group).

We all find it a bit weird that anyone in a relationship, or part of a family would still be interested in spending hours playing computer games

AstroTurtle

ska_lover wrote: »

More that he won't take the lead in anything or make a descision. Sitting back being passive isn't very ''manly'' - and that the OP is finding herself being drawn to men in a position of power..there is a reason for this

It is just my take on the situation, you don't have to agree.

In todays world of equality is he supposed to be "manly" by being expected to phone a plumber.




Id rather my girlfriend spent 10 hours on a game than be tempted to have sex with her co-workers... Or as put by OP "Never been so tempted by something in my life"


Find it bizarre we are judging one "man child" for playing a game and not booking a holiday. In all of 7 years.

Pollycat

Fireflyaway wrote: »

To be honest it sounds like your husband is a pretty good guy. Your family like him, he treats you well, helps in the house, sex is good etc. Nobody is going to be perfect and I'm sure you do some things he doesn't like. Computer games is better than gambling or going off down the pub for hours.
Maybe the being attracted to other men is a hormonal thing? I've had a desire recently to have another baby. Deep down I don't want one. If I stop to think about the impact it would have on our family would be a negative one. I've put it down to being nearly 40 and my body telling me to do it before its too late! Just ignore it. Don't risk what you have. Even the most attractive successful man would bore you after long enough!
Maybe think up some long term plans to work on together?

I thought so too.
There's a lot of positives in the OP's initial post.
And, now that the OP has voiced that she's not happy, he seems to be doing quite a lot of things to try to make it better.
How many women posting about issues with their partners would appreciate the suggestion of a date night or a 10 minute anxiety chat.

SecretMe wrote: »

My husband and I have always had sex every week or so and I always enjoy it once we get started.He knows exactly what I like and is very attentive and considerate. I just thought I was normal, or that my low interest was due to being on the pill (which I'd been on since I was 16). It did always trouble me when I heard friends make comments about their attraction to people, or having a "spark" with someone, as I couldn't really relate. I've never even found celebrities attractive.

We are both very tactile with each other in our day to day lives, and I really like that. When we're watching a film we'll be cuddled up together, when we come home from work we always hug and kiss each other.
My husband pulls his weight around the house. He helps with the cooking and cleaning etc. But I make all the decisions. I book all the holidays. I arrange for a plumber to come when the boiler breaks down. He plays computer games all the time which I find a huge turn-off, though to be fair, he comes off straight away if I so much as drop a hint.

He has promised to try harder, and so far he has. He's taken me on a couple of "dates" and has started proactively looking at what jobs need doing around the house. He has suggested having a ten minute "anxiety chat" at a set time each day so that we can talk about my worries and not let them consume whole evenings. He does listen and care. I also know that I am far from perfect and he puts up with a lot (especially regarding the anxiety).

SecretMe wrote: »

I also wonder if (hypothetically) I did end up having sex with one of these people... Maybe it wouldn't be all that amazing in the end anyway. Maybe it's all an illusion.

Perhaps the OP has been reading too many Mills & Boon...or maybe she is just looking for excuses for having a fling with one of these men...

Comms69

svain wrote: »

I loved playing computer games as a kid (1980's Atari etc) and had the technology been as advanced as today i would of been in my element. However, as an adult i wouldnt play, in fact no-one in my social circle do (mid 30's - 50's age group).

We all find it a bit weird that anyone in a relationship, or part of a family would still be interested in spending hours playing computer games

Out of curiosity what is it you do instead?

AstroTurtle

SecretMe wrote: »

Interestingly, the men I've been tempted by (and there are 3 that I am thinking of) are generally a few years older than me, quite "alpha male" types, two of whom in senior roles at work. I feel like this says a lot about the qualities I see lacking in my husband, who is still so childish in a lot of ways. One of the men showed reciprocal interest and I've never felt so tempted by anything in my life. But I just could and would never do that to my husband. I think I would end up killing myself. I also wonder if (hypothetically) I did end up having sex with one of these people... Maybe it wouldn't be all that amazing in the end anyway. Maybe it's all an illusion.

I don't really understand it. I've read about people who dislike it when their spouse even touches them or kisses them - but that's not me at all. We are both very tactile with each other in our day to day lives, and I really like that. When we're watching a film we'll be cuddled up together, when we come home from work we always hug and kiss each other. I miss him a lot when he has to be away for work from time to time [STRIKE]and have to cuddle his pillow in order to fall asleep[/STRIKE]. This confuses me even more.

The other issue, which may well be linked, is that I've always "worn the trousers" in our relationship/marriage. I liked it that way at first. But now that parenthood has come into my mind, I want to be the one who is looked after by him. My husband pulls his weight around the house. He helps with the cooking and cleaning etc. But I make all the decisions. I book all the holidays. I arrange for a plumber to come when the boiler breaks down. He plays computer games all the time which I find a huge turn-off, though to be fair, he comes off straight away if I so much as drop a hint. It's just a habit I find childish and irritating, and I hate how he can play for 10 hours straight when he has a day off work by himself. I also have problems with anxiety and he can be very cold and dismissive about it, rather than supportive. He can be very arrogant at times, and has little habits and mannerisms that have become extremely irritating to me (normal I know).

Earlier this week I talked to him about all of this, other than the sexual stuff (as I really don't see the point in hurting his feelings when that issue is definitely with me and not him). I did admit that I'm not feeling very connected to him. I made it clear that starting a family is entirely off the table until we both know it's the right thing to do, which at the moment it is not. We are not stupid and know that a baby would only push us further apart.

He has promised to try harder, and so far he has. He's taken me on a couple of "dates" and has started proactively looking at what jobs need doing around the house. He has suggested having a ten minute "anxiety chat" at a set time each day so that we can talk about my worries and not let them consume whole evenings. He does listen and care. I also know that I am far from perfect and he puts up with a lot (especially regarding the anxiety).

I'm rambling. I'm really confused about my feelings. I feel really unhappy at the moment but don't see separation as an option. He gave up so much to be with me. I made those promises to be with him forever, and I need to honour them. It's not like he's abusive or has an addiction. We actually have a really nice life and I know I am acting like a spolit brat. I know that marriage isn't supposed to be perfect. Why am I having thoughts of throwing all of this away, just because of these new flickers of excitement? He is, overall, a great husband. I just wish I could get rid of this sudden taste for other men, which doesn't make any sense to me. I also wish he would start to grow up a bit, which I do think he might. I hope this passes soon

The parts I've highlighted I think you can solve your own problems.


People saying you want someone more "Manly" but you may have indicated to him as you said, You liked to wear the pants. Now you've changed. You cant auto-assume he doesn't want to wear the pants or take charge. It may be for the last 7 years he has understood you prefer it and like it that way, If your ship changes direction don't be mad at him for continuing down the same path without you telling him you don't want it like that anymore.

pelirocco

Pollycat wrote: »

I thought so too.
There's a lot of positives in the OP's initial post.
And, now that the OP has voiced that she's not happy, he seems to be doing quite a lot of things to try to make it better.
How many women posting about issues with their partners would appreciate the suggestion of a date night or a 10 minute anxiety chat.



Perhaps the OP has been reading too many Mills & Boon...or maybe she is just looking for excuses for having a fling with one of these men...

But unlike Mills and Boon , there is no magic happy ever after , you have to work at it . OP you are responsible for your own happiness , its not something a partner can magic up for you . If you move on to someone else expecting your life to be perfect you are in for a shock ,marriage ( like life ) is an investment , you only get out what you put in

onomatopoeia99

svain wrote: »

I loved playing computer games as a kid (1980's Atari etc) and had the technology been as advanced as today i would of been in my element. However, as an adult i wouldnt play, in fact no-one in my social circle do (mid 30's - 50's age group).

We all find it a bit weird that anyone in a relationship, or part of a family would still be interested in spending hours playing computer games

My friends are largely in their 40s, like me. Some have families, some don't, some are in relationships, some aren't. Some play computer games (whether on xbox / ps or a PC), some don't. The intersections of those sets are not as you might think based on your post.

I remain curious as to what hobbies are not "a bit weird" though?

SecretMe

Wow, first up thank you all for your responses. Every one of them has given me something else to think about. Of all of them, I think Ska Lover really understands where I am coming from (sorry can't quote posts on my phone). It's definitely not about one off instances of him not calling a plumber or not booking a holiday, it's his attitude in general.

The whole post was really just me trying to understand why I feel like there is something missing, when really I have everything... I feel terribly guilty for having these thoughts and am struggling to find out what's behind them. I would never mean to slag off my husband, who is a sweet and wonderful man, who I am very lucky to have. The whole reason I feel so upset about this is because I don't understand why I'm being such a selfish and ungrateful cow! I wish I knew the answer.

In terms of the video games, I just have a general dislike of them, just like many people have a dislike of football... I was simply questioning whether that might be contributing to the fact that I'm not feeling very attracted to my husband, because they are very important to him. Perhaps it isn't that at all. He gets plenty of time on his games with no comment from me - I only say something if there are important things that need to be done first, or if I'd like an hour or so of his time to go and do something together. I'd never try to make him stop playing them - in fact most birthdays and christmases I've bought him something game related because I know that's what he enjoys... and it's fine...

I'd like to believe that this is a hormonal thing, and am relieved to hear that it might settle down again at some point.