A place for my thoughts

SecretMe

Regular poster in disguise, just needing to get things off my chest.

A bit of background, I met my husband 7 years ago when I was 20, and knew at the time that he was about to emigrate to Australia with his parents and only sibling. I was after a bit of fun but it turned into a lot more than that, and when it was time for the family to leave a year later he proposed to me and said he didn't want to go.

I was absolutely over the moon and accepted straight away, which I now recognise as an extremely impulsive decision. But he seemed like the perfect match for me. Neither of us have much in common with other people our age - we've never liked clubbing, and have quite niche interests which we share, in addition to our individual interests, so there is a healthy balance. We feel very passionately about the same issues politically and our life goals are similar. I come from a very close-knit family, and they all love him. My friends and acquaintances have always commented on how nice he is after meeting him. I've always enjoyed being around him.

So after his family left, we rented a place together for 18 months, then bought a house. 18 months after that we got married. Fast forward to this point in our life plan, and we're nearly at the stage where we thought we would start trying for a baby. And it's made me realise that I'm absolutely terrified, and that we absolutely cannot think about it just now, maybe ever.

I had to come off the pill about three months ago due to health reasons (though we are not yet trying to get pregnant - using condoms). This seems to have been the turning point in how I've been feeling. Suddenly I've found myself very strongly attracted to other men, and have realised that I don't really fancy my husband, despite thinking that he has a really nice body and is handsome. Strangely, this level of attraction (to the other men) is new to me completely. I never had a burning desire for the three people I slept with before I met my husband either, two of whom were boyfriends of a year or more. I looked forward to sex with them no more than I do with my husband, and actually enjoyed it less. My husband and I have always had sex every week or so and I always enjoy it once we get started. He knows exactly what I like and is very attentive and considerate. I just thought I was normal, or that my low interest was due to being on the pill (which I'd been on since I was 16). It did always trouble me when I heard friends make comments about their attraction to people, or having a "spark" with someone, as I couldn't really relate. I've never even found celebrities attractive.

Interestingly, the men I've been tempted by (and there are 3 that I am thinking of) are generally a few years older than me, quite "alpha male" types, two of whom in senior roles at work. I feel like this says a lot about the qualities I see lacking in my husband, who is still so childish in a lot of ways. One of the men showed reciprocal interest and I've never felt so tempted by anything in my life. But I just could and would never do that to my husband. I think I would end up killing myself. I also wonder if (hypothetically) I did end up having sex with one of these people... Maybe it wouldn't be all that amazing in the end anyway. Maybe it's all an illusion.

I don't really understand it. I've read about people who dislike it when their spouse even touches them or kisses them - but that's not me at all. We are both very tactile with each other in our day to day lives, and I really like that. When we're watching a film we'll be cuddled up together, when we come home from work we always hug and kiss each other. I miss him a lot when he has to be away for work from time to time [STRIKE]and have to cuddle his pillow in order to fall asleep[/STRIKE]. This confuses me even more.

The other issue, which may well be linked, is that I've always "worn the trousers" in our relationship/marriage. I liked it that way at first. But now that parenthood has come into my mind, I want to be the one who is looked after by him. My husband pulls his weight around the house. He helps with the cooking and cleaning etc. But I make all the decisions. I book all the holidays. I arrange for a plumber to come when the boiler breaks down. He plays computer games all the time which I find a huge turn-off, though to be fair, he comes off straight away if I so much as drop a hint. It's just a habit I find childish and irritating, and I hate how he can play for 10 hours straight when he has a day off work by himself. I also have problems with anxiety and he can be very cold and dismissive about it, rather than supportive. He can be very arrogant at times, and has little habits and mannerisms that have become extremely irritating to me (normal I know).

Earlier this week I talked to him about all of this, other than the sexual stuff (as I really don't see the point in hurting his feelings when that issue is definitely with me and not him). I did admit that I'm not feeling very connected to him. I made it clear that starting a family is entirely off the table until we both know it's the right thing to do, which at the moment it is not. We are not stupid and know that a baby would only push us further apart.

He has promised to try harder, and so far he has. He's taken me on a couple of "dates" and has started proactively looking at what jobs need doing around the house. He has suggested having a ten minute "anxiety chat" at a set time each day so that we can talk about my worries and not let them consume whole evenings. He does listen and care. I also know that I am far from perfect and he puts up with a lot (especially regarding the anxiety).

I'm rambling. I'm really confused about my feelings. I feel really unhappy at the moment but don't see separation as an option. He gave up so much to be with me. I made those promises to be with him forever, and I need to honour them. It's not like he's abusive or has an addiction. We actually have a really nice life and I know I am acting like a spolit brat. I know that marriage isn't supposed to be perfect. Why am I having thoughts of throwing all of this away, just because of these new flickers of excitement? He is, overall, a great husband. I just wish I could get rid of this sudden taste for other men, which doesn't make any sense to me. I also wish he would start to grow up a bit, which I do think he might. I hope this passes soon

hazyjo

This sounds very familiar. Did we have a similar post a short while back? Anyone remember?

BorisThomson

hazyjo wrote: »

This sounds very familiar. Did we have a similar post a short while back? Anyone remember?

Like a creative writing exercise?

Comms69

SecretMe wrote: »

Regular poster in disguise, just needing to get things off my chest.

A bit of background, I met my husband 7 years ago when I was 20, and knew at the time that he was about to emigrate to Australia with his parents and only sibling. I was after a bit of fun but it turned into a lot more than that, and when it was time for the family to leave a year later he proposed to me and said he didn't want to go.

I was absolutely over the moon and accepted straight away, which I now recognise as an extremely impulsive decision. But he seemed like the perfect match for me. Neither of us have much in common with other people our age - we've never liked clubbing, and have quite niche interests which we share, in addition to our individual interests, so there is a healthy balance. We feel very passionately about the same issues politically and our life goals are similar. I come from a very close-knit family, and they all love him. My friends and acquaintances have always commented on how nice he is after meeting him. I've always enjoyed being around him.

So after his family left, we rented a place together for 18 months, then bought a house. 18 months after that we got married. Fast forward to this point in our life plan, and we're nearly at the stage where we thought we would start trying for a baby. And it's made me realise that I'm absolutely terrified, and that we absolutely cannot think about it just now, maybe ever.

I had to come off the pill about three months ago due to health reasons (though we are not yet trying to get pregnant - using condoms). This seems to have been the turning point in how I've been feeling. Suddenly I've found myself very strongly attracted to other men, and have realised that I don't really fancy my husband, despite thinking that he has a really nice body and is handsome. Strangely, this level of attraction (to the other men) is new to me completely. I never had a burning desire for the three people I slept with before I met my husband either, two of whom were boyfriends of a year or more. I looked forward to sex with them no more than I do with my husband, and actually enjoyed it less. My husband and I have always had sex every week or so and I always enjoy it once we get started. He knows exactly what I like and is very attentive and considerate. I just thought I was normal, or that my low interest was due to being on the pill (which I'd been on since I was 16). It did always trouble me when I heard friends make comments about their attraction to people, or having a "spark" with someone, as I couldn't really relate. I've never even found celebrities attractive.

Interestingly, the men I've been tempted by (and there are 3 that I am thinking of) are generally a few years older than me, quite "alpha male" types, two of whom in senior roles at work. I feel like this says a lot about the qualities I see lacking in my husband, who is still so childish in a lot of ways. One of the men showed reciprocal interest and I've never felt so tempted by anything in my life. But I just could and would never do that to my husband. I think I would end up killing myself. I also wonder if (hypothetically) I did end up having sex with one of these people... Maybe it wouldn't be all that amazing in the end anyway. Maybe it's all an illusion.

I don't really understand it. I've read about people who dislike it when their spouse even touches them or kisses them - but that's not me at all. We are both very tactile with each other in our day to day lives, and I really like that. When we're watching a film we'll be cuddled up together, when we come home from work we always hug and kiss each other. I miss him a lot when he has to be away for work from time to time [STRIKE]and have to cuddle his pillow in order to fall asleep[/STRIKE]. This confuses me even more.

The other issue, which may well be linked, is that I've always "worn the trousers" in our relationship/marriage. I liked it that way at first. But now that parenthood has come into my mind, I want to be the one who is looked after by him. My husband pulls his weight around the house. He helps with the cooking and cleaning etc. But I make all the decisions. I book all the holidays. I arrange for a plumber to come when the boiler breaks down. He plays computer games all the time which I find a huge turn-off, though to be fair, he comes off straight away if I so much as drop a hint. It's just a habit I find childish and irritating, and I hate how he can play for 10 hours straight when he has a day off work by himself. I also have problems with anxiety and he can be very cold and dismissive about it, rather than supportive. He can be very arrogant at times, and has little habits and mannerisms that have become extremely irritating to me (normal I know).

Earlier this week I talked to him about all of this, other than the sexual stuff (as I really don't see the point in hurting his feelings when that issue is definitely with me and not him). I did admit that I'm not feeling very connected to him. I made it clear that starting a family is entirely off the table until we both know it's the right thing to do, which at the moment it is not. We are not stupid and know that a baby would only push us further apart.

He has promised to try harder, and so far he has. He's taken me on a couple of "dates" and has started proactively looking at what jobs need doing around the house. He has suggested having a ten minute "anxiety chat" at a set time each day so that we can talk about my worries and not let them consume whole evenings. He does listen and care. I also know that I am far from perfect and he puts up with a lot (especially regarding the anxiety).

I'm rambling. I'm really confused about my feelings. I feel really unhappy at the moment but don't see separation as an option. He gave up so much to be with me. I made those promises to be with him forever, and I need to honour them. It's not like he's abusive or has an addiction. We actually have a really nice life and I know I am acting like a spolit brat. I know that marriage isn't supposed to be perfect. Why am I having thoughts of throwing all of this away, just because of these new flickers of excitement? He is, overall, a great husband. I just wish I could get rid of this sudden taste for other men, which doesn't make any sense to me. I also wish he would start to grow up a bit, which I do think he might. I hope this passes soon

The grass is often not greener. Divorce, heartache, and singledom.


It sounds like your husband is doing the right things (the computer game thing - why does it bother you how he spends his time??)

SecretMe

Sorry, I know it's a bit of an essay. I wasn't really writing it for replies or even expecting anyone to read it to be honest, it was more of a therapeutic thing for me to get it out anonymously and without the risk of it being found if I wrote it on paper. Though if someone else posted something similar recently I'd be interested to read about their experience. I will have a look.

SecretMe

Thanks Comms69. Your reply has made me feel a bit better. I often ask myself why I care so much how he spends his own time. I think it's what the computer games represent to me (the childishness).

System

Secretme i doubt very much if your perfect either...For a start, you seem to want everything your own way.

gettingtheresometime

And of course there's the thrill of the chase to consider.

Comms69

SecretMe wrote: »

Thanks Comms69. Your reply has made me feel a bit better. I often ask myself why I care so much how he spends his own time. I think it's what the computer games represent to me (the childishness).

Not saying it will happen but: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DanTDM


I'm in my 30s, I play computer games most nights. Now before then the kids are seen to, the house is tidied and the uniforms and lunches are ready for the next day. Going on the xbox allows me some time with my friends, doing something we all enjoy.


For what it's worth, the older guys you're interested in are older and (hopefully!) single - did life really work out that well for them?


Sounds rather more childish to me to be trying it on with a younger and more junior colleague whilst at work(!) than playing some video games when on time off.

onomatopoeia99

SecretMe wrote: »

I think it's what the computer games represent to me (the childishness).

Why do you consider them childish? Is it because they were something your parents didn't play? Did you bully the computer nerds at school? Are you generally this intolerant about the choices of other people? I would suggest you try to understand this about yourself.

Next, I don't really see why it is important who calls the plumber or books the holiday, you're a big girl, you can do it and pregnancy won't change that. Having babies doesn't make your brain leak out of your ears.

Do you have the qualities you find lacking in your husband, are you in a "senior role" at work where he is not? Again, why does this bother you? Not everyone is made to be a manager and for many management is a waste of their skills (for example, my brother's employer pays its managers less than the highly skilled people they manage, because they know who their important employees are, and consequently they do not move skilled people into management roles).


You need to look at yourself, not your husband. With this "alpha male" and "looked after" stuff you paint yourself as wanting to be the "little lady" kept at home by a go-getter type man. Why?

lika_86

https://thefemedic.com/contraception/can-pill-change-taste-in-partner/