My journey to a debt free life

Onebrokelady

poppy811 said:

masks are a way of protecting others if you have asymptomatic Covid so worth wearing if you can

I haven't got Covid, I work for the NHS and I'm tested three times a week 

Seasidegal58

OBL - I'm so sorry to read your post. Leaving a beloved stepdad and sisters as you were forced to must have been horrendous for you. And it seems strange that your Mum returned to your dad after all that time knowing what sort of person he was. Still there's no accounting for how other people see things. 

I would stress though that you should try not to feel guilty for something that isn't your problem and of your making.  Your mum and dad have basically made their bed together and have to lie on it now!  Just because they're blood doesn't mean you have to like them. 
I would try not to tiptoe around them - they're not going to change now. And if your dad is still verbally abusing you and your family after all these years perhaps it would be best to reduce contact with him - for your own health and sanity.  My DD broke off all contact with her dad years ago in her early 20s because of how he was and never saw or contacted him again.  It hasn't particularly bothered her.  You could still see your mum more regularly. 

Sorry - it is easy for me as an outsider to spout all this advice - I'm not living this like you are, but I do feel for you and send you hugs.
 

foxgloves

Sorry to hear this is making you feel stressed & unhappy @Onebrokelady. I think it is very unlikely that the situation re your parents' relationship is going to change now, so I think the only aspect of it over which you have any control at all, is your own reaction to it. This may be a case of stopping the 'tiptoeing' (this can reinforce an aggressive or difficult individual's bad habits) & telling yourself firmly that they chose to get back together. Their choice, so their problem. It's difficult to stand back from family realtionship problems, I know  - there are some longstanding ones in my extended family from which we have simply walked away because neither of us are 'tip-toers' iyswim, & nobody was interested in sitting down like rational adults & discussing the issues. See your parents, but if there is stressful behaviour/aggression, there is nothing at all wrong with you saying 'Well, I think I'll be off now, as I don't want to spend my day off witnessing arguments' or whatever the behaviour is. Then follow the statement through with action. I think that's what I'd do.
F x

milann

Sorry to hear this OBL….it must be very difficult for you. There are no words of wisdom I can offer as you are already avoiding seeing them together. All I can suggest is keep writing your feelings as it is an outlet for your emotions. I hope your mum sees him for what he is and does something to help herself…..but I’m guessing they’re very set in their ways. Are they still working or have they retired and spending more time together? Sending some positive vibes your way 🤞

Sunshine_girl2

Big hugs OBL, do what's right for you ,if that means severing ties then that's what you must do . Can you speak to your sisters about it ? Keep on writing here though if it helps. 

I hope they haven't made you feel unwell. 

enthusiasticsaver

I am sorry your relationship with your parents is difficult OBL and as you have health issues and this is causing you stress I think avoidance is fine.  After all your mum has chosen to stick with your toxic Dad but you do not have to put up with it. I would not tiptoe around him and if your mum bears the brunt of his mood that is her choice to stay. Your mum knew you were unwell and still came round and now you have been left feeling worse which is totally unfair.  Over the years I have learned that you cannot control how other people act or feel but you can decide on your own boundaries.  At some point if you move and do not tell them where to then no one would blame you.  Only do that if it is otherwise right for you though. 

Willowtree222

I think you need to do what you can to protect yourself from this and it sounds like it makes you stressed. You recognising it is good though as it at least means you can avoid it as much as you can or where you can. 

Are you able to move away if that’s what you want abs need? Is there anything else you can do to get yourself away from this as much as possible? 

Toxic people are difficult but even more so when you’re related to them. 

Sun_Addict

My parents split up when I was 14 so I didn’t have to live with it for long but my dad was just like yours, you had to be so careful of what you said to him or he’d blow up. I was quite wilful so often got on the wrong side of him. I often found my mum in tears. 

Mr SA pre illness was very similar, thankfully that part of him went, one good thing to come out of the brain damage. 

Put yourself first, let your parents get on with it and try and keep them at arm’s length. As the saying goes you can choose your friends but not your family. You don’t have to put up with it. 

Sending hugs xx

Onebrokelady

Seasidegal58 said:

OBL - I'm so sorry to read your post. Leaving a beloved stepdad and sisters as you were forced to must have been horrendous for you. And it seems strange that your Mum returned to your dad after all that time knowing what sort of person he was. Still there's no accounting for how other people see things. 

I would stress though that you should try not to feel guilty for something that isn't your problem and of your making.  Your mum and dad have basically made their bed together and have to lie on it now!  Just because they're blood doesn't mean you have to like them. 
I would try not to tiptoe around them - they're not going to change now. And if your dad is still verbally abusing you and your family after all these years perhaps it would be best to reduce contact with him - for your own health and sanity.  My DD broke off all contact with her dad years ago in her early 20s because of how he was and never saw or contacted him again.  It hasn't particularly bothered her.  You could still see your mum more regularly. 

Sorry - it is easy for me as an outsider to spout all this advice - I'm not living this like you are, but I do feel for you and send you hugs.
 

The saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder is true for my mum, she spent the first 11years of my life making sure I knew my dad had treated her badly but then after bumping into him in our town while he was visiting relatives she upended my life and moved me down here.I didn't even know we were going,she took me out of school one lunch time and loaded me into my dads van with most of our belongings, I spent a lot of my childhood staying with my step grandparents and I never saw them again either, they must have been heartbroken when she left

The catch 22 is that my Dad is now a frail old man who I actually feel sorry for so although I don't like him much I do feel bad for him. I couldn't live with myself if I cut myself off from him and it would make seeing my mum very difficult. She also asks me not to fall out with him on a regular basis so that's another reason I stay in contact. He doesn't speak to his daughter who is my half sister and she has cut him out of her life. I am the only person living down here who will be able to sort them out if they are ill or need care etc

Dad texts me everyday to tell me they are ok, it's a thing we started doing when the lockdowns were happening and I even feel stressed about that in case I forget to reply 

Onebrokelady

foxgloves said:

Sorry to hear this is making you feel stressed & unhappy @Onebrokelady. I think it is very unlikely that the situation re your parents' relationship is going to change now, so I think the only aspect of it over which you have any control at all, is your own reaction to it. This may be a case of stopping the 'tiptoeing' (this can reinforce an aggressive or difficult individual's bad habits) & telling yourself firmly that they chose to get back together. Their choice, so their problem. It's difficult to stand back from family realtionship problems, I know  - there are some longstanding ones in my extended family from which we have simply walked away because neither of us are 'tip-toers' iyswim, & nobody was interested in sitting down like rational adults & discussing the issues. See your parents, but if there is stressful behaviour/aggression, there is nothing at all wrong with you saying 'Well, I think I'll be off now, as I don't want to spend my day off witnessing arguments' or whatever the behaviour is. Then follow the statement through with action. I think that's what I'd do.
F x

I thought I had made my peace with their situation until today, I don't know why it seemed to tip me over the edge today, I think it was that feeling of a racing heart rate and I just suddenly realised that the situation is having a physical effect on me. I've walked out before but then my mum gets upset because she doesn't like us to fall out  so I try to keep everyone happy 😟