My journey to a debt free life

Onebrokelady

Willowtree222 said:

I think you need to do what you can to protect yourself from this and it sounds like it makes you stressed. You recognising it is good though as it at least means you can avoid it as much as you can or where you can. 

Are you able to move away if that’s what you want abs need? Is there anything else you can do to get yourself away from this as much as possible? 

Toxic people are difficult but even more so when you’re related to them. 

I would never be able to move away while my mum is still alive,she would be devastated, I feel bad moaning about it to be honest because I only see my mum once a fortnight and I see my dad as little as possible. It's just that I can't stop thinking about it for days after I see them. 

Onebrokelady

Sun_Addict said:

My parents split up when I was 14 so I didn’t have to live with it for long but my dad was just like yours, you had to be so careful of what you said to him or he’d blow up. I was quite wilful so often got on the wrong side of him. I often found my mum in tears. 

Mr SA pre illness was very similar, thankfully that part of him went, one good thing to come out of the brain damage. 

Put yourself first, let your parents get on with it and try and keep them at arm’s length. As the saying goes you can choose your friends but not your family. You don’t have to put up with it. 

Sending hugs xx

My dad left my Mum while she was pregnant with me so I didn't meet him until I was 11 and she took me out of school one day to bring me down here to live with him and my half brother and sister.
He wasn't too bad back then but they would fall out a lot because he liked a drink and was a real ladies man. They have just got worse as they have got older,they should never have stayed together but my mum wouldn't leave as she thinks she would lose everything, she now just thinks she's too old. Mum just doesn't realise the negative effect the situation has on the whole family, the whole family is dysfunctional because of how we have grown up.

 My sisters are up in Derby and Nottingham but they know what he's like, neither of them speak to me anymore but they are in contact with my mum and dad my sister in Derby visits and takes them out a couple of times a year then goes off back to Derby so doesn't see it as much as me.

I think maybe if I had siblings I was close to I wouldn't feel so bad. I do get on with my half sister but we don't see each other that often and dad has cut her off so she doesn't have anything to do with him at all 

Onebrokelady

milann said:

Sorry to hear this OBL….it must be very difficult for you. There are no words of wisdom I can offer as you are already avoiding seeing them together. All I can suggest is keep writing your feelings as it is an outlet for your emotions. I hope your mum sees him for what he is and does something to help herself…..but I’m guessing they’re very set in their ways. Are they still working or have they retired and spending more time together? Sending some positive vibes your way 🤞

They are retired, she is 89 and he is 90 they spend all their time together unless mum is meeting me for lunch. 

Humdinger1

OBL you are strong and loving and have risen above what your mother did.  Truly you're managing this well.  Is there any way you could contact your stepdad and sisters? They'll know it wasn't your fault and you deserve some good family relationships.   Keep posting; you're fab love Humdinger xx 

Onebrokelady

Sunshine_girl2 said:

Big hugs OBL, do what's right for you ,if that means severing ties then that's what you must do . Can you speak to your sisters about it ? Keep on writing here though if it helps. 

I hope they haven't made you feel unwell. 

I think that's what upset me today, the chronic pain condition I have is caused by / made worse by stress. I felt awful after seeing them which upset me because I don't know anyone who feels like this after seeing their parents.I just need to accept that I'm not going to have that relationship now.
My sisters live up in Derby and Nottingham and neither of them speak to me now. Our relationship has always been overshadowed by the drama in our parents relationship, they both have lots of issues due to being left behind and the repercussions of my mum choosing dad over them has caused lots of problems.
 I removed myself from one sisters life because it was making me ill. My other sister stopped speaking to me last Christmas after having a rant at me on FB because I forgot to send her a Christmas card and didn't reply to her text on Christmas Day ( my phone was playing up and I didn't see the message until Boxing Day ) by which time she had had a go at me and blocked me from being able to contact her. I decided for my own good to just walk away. 
I can't do that to my parents,they are both old and frail and my mum would be devastated. I just need to find a way to live with the situation without it making me ill but that's really hard to do 
My half sister is the only person who understands what a horrible situation it is but I hate to spread it to her family ,she hasn't seen our dad for about 15 years because  he fell out with her and now won't have anything to do with her, he has even cut her out of his will and won't even speak to her children. It's all so sad 

Onebrokelady

enthusiasticsaver said:

I am sorry your relationship with your parents is difficult OBL and as you have health issues and this is causing you stress I think avoidance is fine.  After all your mum has chosen to stick with your toxic Dad but you do not have to put up with it. I would not tiptoe around him and if your mum bears the brunt of his mood that is her choice to stay. Your mum knew you were unwell and still came round and now you have been left feeling worse which is totally unfair.  Over the years I have learned that you cannot control how other people act or feel but you can decide on your own boundaries.  At some point if you move and do not tell them where to then no one would blame you.  Only do that if it is otherwise right for you though. 

To be honest my mum has no idea this is making me ill, she wouldn't have come round if she thought for one minute it would make me worse. I am going to have to learn to deal with it and just avoid seeing them together as much as possible. My niece who cuts my hair has a very pragmatic view of it all and does even manage to make me laugh at the situation when I see her, I need to adopt her approach 😊

Onebrokelady

Humdinger1 said:

OBL you are strong and loving and have risen above what your mother did.  Truly you're managing this well.  Is there any way you could contact your stepdad and sisters? They'll know it wasn't your fault and you deserve some good family relationships.   Keep posting; you're fab love Humdinger xx 

Thankyou 😊 unfortunately I don't know where my stepdad is or if he is even alive, after my mum left he started drinking and became an alcoholic, my sisters would see him around the town and he was in a bad way. They haven't seen him for 20 odd years
Neither of my sisters are speaking to me now, my eldest sister has lots of issues that I couldn't handle, she was constantly causing rows between everyone in the family so I stopped contact. My next eldest sister stopped speaking to me last Christmas because I didn't send her a card and didnt reply to a text she sent on Christmas Day,she chose to have that at me on my FB page and then blocked me and I haven't heard from her since. I decided to just walk away to save my sanity 

Humdinger1

OBL I know you're busy and haveca lot to spend money on but do you think even a few in person sessions with a counsellor might help? We're all rooting for you here and posting here helps I think? But this is a lot of pain you're carrying and you do deserve to be free and well.  Sorry if this is sounding bossy love Humdinger xx 

Onebrokelady

Humdinger1 said:

OBL I know you're busy and haveca lot to spend money on but do you think even a few in person sessions with a counsellor might help? We're all rooting for you here and posting here helps I think? But this is a lot of pain you're carrying and you do deserve to be free and well.  Sorry if this is sounding bossy love Humdinger xx 

Not bossy at all Humdinger. I did have some counselling sessions a few years ago but at the time couldn't see the benefit. The counsellor they allocated me was also a man and I felt like I was doing a lot of man bashing at the time so felt awkward about it .I can get free counselling sessions through work. 
Posting does help me get it off my chest and people do give good advice so I have found that helpful 😊

Onebrokelady

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies and advice on how to deal with my nutty family. I try not to talk about it too much but today something just tipped me over the edge. It's probably because I still feel ill with what ever this thing is that's making me wheeze and splutter everywhere and I don't do well with extra rubbish on top of feeling ill 

Moving on we had a bit of a worrying night with B last night, she was having trouble walking properly or lying down,she does have a problem with her back that goes into a spasm so I gave her some diazepam and paracetamol before I went to bed and it did help her relax and sleep.I got up in the night and she was snoring away in her bed 😍 she is a lot better now but I'm taking her to the vet in the morning just to get her checked over 

I had a day of doing nothing again today apart from one load of washing, I was hoping it might help me feel better but if anything I feel worse tonight. I did go to my SW meeting today and I've lost 2lbs this week so according to their scales I am now 10 stone exactly.I weigh 9st 12lbs on my scales but that's in the morning with no cloths on. I was also pleased to find out that I will stop paying as soon as I am within three pounds of my goal weight, I thought I would have to get back to my actual goal but because  you are allowed 3 pounds either side but  you stop paying once you get to within three pounds, so I've got 1 pound to go to get to where I don't need to pay and four pounds to get to my goal weight of 9st 10lbs. I told her I was aiming to maintain this week because I'm on holiday and I'm meeting my friend for a day out on Thursday which will involve cake, if I do manage to lose that pound it will be a bonus