Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

[Deleted User]

People asked me that Torry, during the first few weeks. Some also said `I know what you are going through becauseI went through it when I got divorced` another said `I felt the same when my dog died` I just pulled a face and carried on. They have no idea until it happens, not their fault

I am now going to surprise you and am doing a complete 180 degree turn, ie not going to chase that house. Estate agent relative pulled some archived material and e mailed me a screenshot, it has been on the market a long time, with 2 different agents, she told me to be very wary and she said` I thought you wanted to stay local` She has grounded me and yes, I utterly do want to stay local. I am a private person, can`t be doing with too much chit chat, love my allotment and my cycling on safe quiet lanes. I would have given all that up.

So now, I have to change, to stop forcing myself, something local will turn up one day, until then I have to live at a less frenetic level. So I am cancelling the second viewing and also the one looking at a tatty house with a very large garden. If truth be told I am utterly exhausted and why? because I made myself chase rainbows, when I know that what will be will be and if it is meant to happen then it will

White_musk

Really pleased you managed to get out and about today Torry. Looking at four walls while you feel so wretched is not good.

Kittie, it sounds like a very productive day. Hopefully today will be the beginning of your move and feeling settled.

Poppy, apart from my sofas which are brown and welsh dresser which is pine almost all my furniture is cream (apart from my kitchen where all 'white' goods are black as are all my smaller electrical items). My house is around a century old and has some lovely quirks yet my furniture fits in lovely. So a newer house with antique furniture can look gorgeous too.

If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have none. I was getting my veg ready for dinner tonight and noticed my steamer was leaking. I managed to steam the veg but have had to order a new one. I checked around and Argos deliver next day so I've ordered from there so I have a steamer for tomorrow. Depending on what time they deliver it may have put the kibosh on me going shopping tomorrow but I have enough fresh veg to last a few more days so not the end of the world. My freezer looks like a greengrocers, but I do prefer fresh. In my order this week I ordered frozen strawberries but they didn't have any so substituted with pomegranate seeds, so that will be a nice change in the morning.

Edit to reply to Kittie as we cross posted:

This is what happened with me only my DC encouraged me to move to the nearby city as 'it would make life easier' - it didn't, it made life hell. If I had thought things through and looked at whet I wanted I would never have left the village. I do believe that we have our roots and a place we 'know' and we feel comfortable with that. So, at huge cost to me (and not just financial) I listened to them, then moved back. I lost that time in the other house and I am annoyed at that but thankfully I am 'home' again now.

Hugs.

lessonlearned

Torry.....well done on getting out and about. It is a small step forward. Hopefully the weather will pick up soon and you can get out a bit more. It does seem to help a bit.

Gosh some very interesting posts about house moving. Lots to think, about. I am going to take heed of all your good advice and take my time to get this right.

I have an estate agent coming round next Monday so I’ll take it from there. Even if I decide to sell this year it won’t be immediately because I still have a few bits and pieces to finish here to get it market ready.

Meanwhile I will continue with the Decluttering.

wort

Just caught up!
I thought I was in for a quiet lonely easter. I worked good Fri, and dgson asked to come and sleep, as he left sat my sister called and we went to buy plants.
After tea my young niece who's widowed (he was and soldier in Afghanistan ) rang to say she'd booked me on a meal with her and the kids and my sister and her husband for easter Sunday!
So Sunday morning was planting and afternoon /evening was eating eating and drinking, as as we called on other sister on way home.
I was glad of a lazy day Monday.

I was lucky as dd1 paid mys mortgage off. I really didn't want to move. Though I have redecorated a lot, mainly to keep busy.

I struggle with a colleague ,whose getting divorced, and is constantly talking about how upset she is and how difficult she's finding it. I feel like screaming think who you're talking to!!!!
Then others say what a shame it is, and expect me to sympathise, I just feel because I choose not to broadcast my emotions at work, everyone has forgotten or " think I've got over it"
She separated at the same time last year when my husband died.
I feel mean but because I've not lost weight and don't look upset doesn't mean I'm not.
Casual greetings to people at work when we pass each other is hi how are you. Imagine if I told them!

wort

I went to church last week and as I went for communion the hymn was from my dad's funeral, and I cried at the altar.
I very often get emotional with songs.

[Deleted User]

A better day today, started with rain but now is sunny but the rain made me set to and do some stuff indoors. I am trying to deep clean one room at a time, had a break from doing that but noticed that my utility was not looking its best. It is an unusual utility room and houses the eco bits behind two doors, none of which, I am including skirtings and door architrave, were painted well initially.

I have no intention of doing too much in there, took some stuff out, washed wood down, then filled any cracks and holes in wood, ceiling and walls. Any necessary wood is undercoated and walls painted where needed. It looks clean and bright. Tomorrow will put silk topcoat on. While at it, I went around the house, touching up. Best to get these jobs done in advance, rather than in a last minute panic when selling

A much calmer mind today, acceptance that what will happen will happen, re my new home

[Deleted User]

A question to LL

If I find a doer-upper then how do I set about doing it up? Would I emply a design and build company because I would not know where to start?I am talking about more than bathroom and kitchen

I decided that I would go and see that doer-upper tomorrow. It might be better than I think

[Deleted User]

I answered my own question, I have a recommended firm of surveyors who also do architectural design, arrange refurb and project manage. So I am happy to do a fixer upper and glad I did not cancel tomorrows viewing.

It is a 3 bed house, downstairs 3 nice shaped rooms, kitchen and shower room. Upstairs 3 beds and a bathroom. Large garage. 1930. This is the right size and I can see 2 bedrooms upstairs with a jack and jill bathroom/en suite and a big walk in wardrobe/store. Downstairs would open up dining to kitchen, add a wood stove to living room, create a study/crafting room from the third room. Change whatever the architect recommends to make it light and sunny and insulated. It would have potential for downstairs bedroom in future, if needed

Wish me luck, again, suddenly I am not scared because of the surveyors. Oh yes the garden is large and grass, 1/3 of an acre but I can manage that, once I have employed a landscape architect or landscape designers to shape it up. I would enjoy pottering and cycling in the back lanes. It is in a good community, has 3 bus routes and a shop etc

lessonlearned

Aha....see our posts crossed. You have found out what you need to know. I have deleted my long post so as not to clog up the thread.

Good luck tomorrow.

[Deleted User]

Thanks LL, I have collywobbles, I will know by teatime if I am going ahead. I don`t need to research the area fortunately

This is a rough list of what I want in the house eventually also bearing in mind that very important future proofing. Will you post any other suggestions for me, I want a list ready to get going asap, assuming I want the house
downstairs:
utility
kitchen/dining
study/bedroom
living room
shower room/toilet

upstairs:
two bedrooms
jack and jill en suite to one
storage walk in to the other
airing cupboard

add a porch and maybe a sun room. Plus all the other stuff like electrics, ch, insulation, windows and doors

amazing thing is that I got lots of ideas from my viewing of the over 55s house, maybe it was fate after all