Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

[Deleted User]

white musk, how did you tackle downsizing for your new home? The furniture and so on. Having read your post about buying for yourself, that is what I have decided to do and am making contact with a developer of smart over 55 homes, it is still at pre-planning stage but I want one. Very small development and will be very well built. I will be going from 4 beds, a snug and study to a downstairs study/bedroom and 2 beds upstairs. I, quite honestly, need to future proof, there will be a garage, small garden etc. The whole downsizing thing is utterly daunting, in comparison MK (kondo) was pimping around the edges but this is something I need to do, it won`t wait. I can still store my hobbies, bikes etc but it is the main house stuff that must go. How do I start?

White_musk

kittie wrote: »

white musk, how did you tackle downsizing for your new home? The furniture and so on. Having read your post about buying for yourself, that is what I have decided to do and am making contact with a developer of smart over 55 homes, it is still at pre-planning stage but I want one. Very small development and will be very well built. I will be going from 4 beds, a snug and study to a downstairs study/bedroom and 2 beds upstairs. I, quite honestly, need to future proof, there will be a garage, small garden etc. The whole downsizing thing is utterly daunting, in comparison MK (kondo) was pimping around the edges but this is something I need to do, it won`t wait. I can still store my hobbies, bikes etc but it is the main house stuff that must go. How do I start?

I started by thinking of furniture, smaller items etc that were coming with me come what may, all the sentimental stuff. I then thought of the sizes of the rooms. The living room here is bigger than the last so that gave me some wriggle room. The kitchen is smaller but a much better layout and more cupboards. My bedroom here is smaller but I knew I could get all my furniture in so that was ok. My problem was I have a large welsh dresser that is non negotiable, it used to be in the kitchen but here no room. I knew it would have to come into the living room so some furniture from here had to go. I went through all the furniture and over a period of time decided what I could part with. An example, I had a gorgeous ash hifi unit, DH and I chose together. The hifi had broken and I used other things to listen to CD's so it could go. That was a tough one but logically it made sense. I then had all the stuff in the second bedroom, that was easier as I knew all had to go as I only have one bedroom here. All in the shed had to go, I hadn't seen it for the time I was in that house and obviously didn't need it. Again, tough and I cried but I just don't have the room.

Go around your house, decide what you absolutely will not part with then look at the new house and what will fit. Then go back and decide what you can or think you could part with then prepare yourself to let it go. Prepare for tears.

I made the decision then arranged for a man with a van straight away so I couldn't change my mind and dither. You may want to take a bit more time and be sure. I know me well enough to know if I didn't make the decision and act I would bring it all and not be able move around in this house, there would be furniture piled on top of furniture. I also had an idea of how I would like this house to look which made making those tough decisions a bit easier.

Hugs.

Edit to add: When I actually moved in here I still had too much and have had to get rid of more. I ordered a small skip this time and now finally everything has a home. It's tough but I needed this move so had little choice. I also had made my mind up I wanted a smaller house so I think I had mentally prepared myself some things were going to have to be sacrificed.

[Deleted User]

Thank you white musk, for that very comprehensive and helpful reply . I will do room by room, starting today, will make a chart and go from there. I have time on my side but really wish I had the property secured, they still have to get planning so limbo prevails for now, trouble is that it makes my head whizzy, until I know in which direction I am going

I had a very good think about the plots last night and am going to go for a smaller one, with a better orientation and it will be cheaper. I am hoping that the sales dept gets in touch next week and that I will get first refusal if it all passes planning. I should think that it will take a good 1-2 years to actual completion and I will be 71/72

Main thing is that finally I have got my head around 2 bedrooms, when I have 4 now. I use all 4 when dd and the grandchildren stay but generally they stay because of inset days or local working, so it is convenient to them. I am very attracted to the epc rating, which is as high as mine, so energy bills will be low. At this stage of my life, it has to be me looking after me. There will be plenty of room for family gatherings, they will just have to sleep on aerobeds all over the house

Oh I am going to be so boring about this very important and difficult decision. My stomach is churning because of this, doing it alone but I saw a new fluffy white feather last night, just outside my french windows

Main thing is no maintenance, easy garden, handyman available for jobs, 150 yd walk to small individual shops, butchers, fish shop, post office, delicatessen, village hall etc

lessonlearned

Kittie.....it sounds like a really good location. And you are right, a nice easy to maintain property with low outgoings is exactly what we will need in the future. And you are right to think about the orientation, very important for light.

White-Musk and Kittie.....you have both inspired me to think about bringing my proposed move forward. I was gong to wait another couple of years but I now think I might go for it sooner rather than later. I am 66 now, I would like to be properly settled by the time I am around 70 and ideally that would include any renovation or decorating work to be complete.

I love my Victorian terrace with its high ceilings, ornate cornices, Victorian Fireplaces etc but I know it will not be practical for me in the long term. The stairs are steep, there is a flight of steps to the front door and I have to admit, although parking is never an issue here, I would prefer to have at least a driveway for off street parking.

You are right about bedrooms too. How many actual spare bedrooms do we need. As you say young grandchildren are perfectly happy on airbeds. Two bedrooms would be enough, provided the living space was good. And I could always add a nice sunroom or a summerhouse.

I am going to get the estate agents round in a couple of weeks and take it from there. If this house sells easily I would be happy enough to rent for a while so I can take time to find exactly the right property next time. I could go for a six month lease, with a monthly rollover for flexibility.

In the meantime I am going to carry on with the decluttering. I am going much deeper this time. My house never looks cluttered but that is only because everything is neatly stowed away in cupboards, the attic and the cellar. I feel ready to let most of it go now. The more I can get rid off now means I can save money on rent by going for something small, cheap and cheerful.

I am still a bit up and down, still have a few low days where I feel a bit lethargic so I think it would be good for me to focus now on moving and getting myself established more permanently.

I have booked a trip to Iceland, but that is 15 months away and it is only for 12 days. But other than that I have no real plans to travel for a while and I probably will not go on any long trips. 6 weeks was a long time to be away from home. I have met a lot of bereaved people who seem to just drift from one holiday to another. That is not for me. I think I would prefer to invest my time and money in my home and making myself really comfortable.

What with that and my college course then I have two good projects to keep me going for a while and hopefully perk me up a bit. I have rather drifted a bit recently and I think the lack of focus and the not knowing what I want is what has made me feel so down. It has taken me a very long time but finally I think I can see a new path opening up to me.

I know my husband would have been a bit disappointed in me by allowing myself to drift and I think he will approve now of my new resolve and sense of purpose. I think he would understand I just needed time to be able to finally let go and move forward.

[Deleted User]

LL I cannot begin to say how I am feeling, so very upside down and inside out over this house move. I know, I do know that we should move while young enough to be settled and to become part of the community. I have spent the whole evening and now the whole day, looking at properties, too big, too small, too much maintenance, garden too big etc etc

The one I am looking at would not be ready for a good two years at least but I have found a re-sale by the same developer, 29 miles from here and closer to both daughters. I don`t know the area but I didn`t know the area here when we moved. I do know that the handyman does the back as well as front gardens and also that no-one is allowed to materially change the aspect, understandable, as it is for the good of everyone

This is so incredibly hard, not the looking but the real downsizing and I now know it would mean the garden table and chairs as well as the outdoor storage as well as indoor stuff. This must happen to almost everyone as they get older. I cannot imagine having to do this in five years time. No wonder so many bungalows look so uncared for, probably probate sales. Living there to the bitter end because it was too hard to move

lessonlearned

I think I have learned from the mistakes my parents made. They refused point blank to move whilst they were still able. In the end, despite changing the bath for a shower and installing a stair lift, their house just did not work for them. It was a lovely old cottage but there were just too many nooks and crannies, uneven floors, various levels etc.

I may be wrong but I am pretty certain that if they had moved into a bungalow we might have been able to care for mum at home, at least until she needed a hospice. As it was she had to go into a care home, it was the most dreadful thing and the way it was done was just awful.

Her GP rang me on a Friday morning and said your mum needs to go into a nursing home TODAY, because it is just too dangerous. I am sure you can imagine how traumatic that was. I was forever the bad daughter after that. All because they would not budge and they could no longer look after each other.

I will not put my kids through that. My reasoning is if I go into suitable accommodation in plenty of time then I might be able to remain in my own home much longer than if I remained in a house that cannot meet my needs. This house certainly would not fit the bill. If it has to be a bland boring box, then so be it. I can decorate and customise to suit my tastes.

I am not sure yet whether to go for a senior living complex, or whether just to go for a normal bungalow or apartment.

I too have spent quite a lot of time today looking on property websites. It is so very depressing. Although I have earmarked a few, I cannot say any of them thrill me. :rotfl:

I think this is why I might rent first. I can then take my time without jeopardising the sale on this one, plus I could get the bulk of any decorating or work done without having to live in a building site. I have done that too many times in the past. I am too old now to be living among rubble and plaster dust........:rotfl:

My ideal scenario would be to buy a plot of land but they are like gold dust......

[Deleted User]

Oh LL, its so hard. I will pm you with the developers name, they specifically focus on well built and considered property, usually around 10-12 in a development. Click on the team etc and you will see what a good bunch they are. They might be too far from you and in some areas, they are very expensive but people want them

Their properties generally have a downstairs space that can be jiggled eg they put a hidden doorframe in the downstairs shower room, so that it could become an en suite to the dining room/study/potential bedroom. I believe that electrics are also in place for a lift. The properties look very pleasing from the outside and tbh the ready made small community has to be a bonus. They all have a garage and a parking space and are near to buses etc

Dd just e mailed, someone at work knows the development and says it looks lovely and so is the village

I wish my other dd would hurry up and find somewhere so I can offload my outdoor furniture at least . I suppose if she wants it, I could put it into store for her. Well tomorrow I am off to look at the area, will go into the development and see if I can find any people to talk to and I will also make that viewing appointment

They bought it 2 years ago and it is now 20k dearer but they will be expecting an offer 20k less. So I will go 25k less and go up by 5k maximum, if I like it and also ask for all the blinds to be left. That will be my strategy

You learnt the hard way LL

Torry_Quine

Nothing different here, I'm still crying most of the time. Thers no longer any point to my life.

White_musk

Kittie and LL I SO remember the feelings you are both going through with regards moving. I just wish I had never allowed my DC to influence the first move to the extent they did. It cost money and so much emotional pain. It's all forgiven and I've never told them how bad that move was. Please, please, please don't let anyone influence you. Take your time and when you do choose a house you will know it's right for you. Housing where I am is like hens teeth so I was beyond lucky to find this one. I don't know if you remember my story but I viewed a different bungalow last year (black wallpaper?) that just wasn't to be. I was strung along for a long time then it all fell through, I was heartbroken at the time, but this house is even better and smack bang where I wanted to be. What I'm trying to say is; take your time and make sure it's right for you in ALL respects.

Torry (((hugs)))

[Deleted User]

oh Torry, hugs from me too. One of the thoughts that kept me going three years ago was` how would he cope if I had gone first?` I know he would not have coped and really now, it is all about you coping, just getting through a day at a time, until you get some feeling of being able to look forward

White musk, your input is invaluable. I won`t be making any rash decision but I have been trawling all manner of properties all day, most in areas close to the development and I keep coming back and being sensible. I have printed floor plans and stuck little bits of yellow sticker on, trying to imagine my furniture. I have measured my own kitchen/dining with a laser measure and am pleasantly surprised. This retirement property is bigger than it looks and I have found allotments within reach. I need to have a drive around tomorrow, to see if it will be safe cycling, like it is here and before I leave, I will try to get an appointment to view. White musk, I have been looking on a superficial level since september but there is nothing. I understand you making that quick decision and I do believe in fate, if it is meant to be then it will be.