How would you feel?

BorisThomson

Judi wrote: »

Totally, i cant see the point in sitting alone if theres someone you know sitting alone too whether it is male of female but if it was planned or the bill for two was paid by just the one it would trigger all sorts of alarm bells in me.

I can't say I ever go out to dinner without it being planned. Bumping into someone in the street and deciding to go to dinner would be quite random.

I can't remember the last time I went to dinner and we split the bill, we'll either take turns or one will volunteer if they know the other might be struggling at the moment. It's what friends do.

In none of the above scenarios do I expect to be taking my knickers off.

Comms69

Judi wrote: »

Good for you. D'ya want a medal or something?

Yes please! A shiny one, which chocolate inside! Thanks!


- I was simply asking why paying for dinner would ring alarm bells for you? Surely we've gone past the stage of "I paid for dinner, therefore jump into bed with me?!"

System

BorisThomson wrote: »

I can't say I ever go out to dinner without it being planned. Bumping into someone in the street and deciding to go to dinner would be quite random.

I can't remember the last time I went to dinner and we split the bill, we'll either take turns or one will volunteer if they know the other might be struggling at the moment. It's what friends do.

In none of the above scenarios do I expect to be taking my knickers off.

Closest i got to it was a few years ago after id been to the gym. I felt a bit low so took myself off to the nearest coffee shop in the town before coming home. I sat there on my own and an old school friend came in (male) and had a coffee and we had a bit of a catch up.

i didnt take my knickers off either.:)

debsue

need_an_answer wrote: »

A couple of questions for the OP to ponder.

Has your husband actually told you he finds you unattractive,and is that the root of your insecurity?
Not in so many words, but never ever tells me that I am.
Is he attractive in your eyes? Yes

Presumably he once found you attractive what changed?Not really, long complicated story

How do you act as a couple, do you socialise together? yes, we do
You say he's been going to see his mother and this is where he took the friend of a friend out,just the once?Just the once
Why don't you go with him even if it's only occasionally.I do go with him, I happened to be working that weekend

When was the last time you had a date night as a couple?we do this regular
Do you find yourself attractive? or possibly do others see you as attractive either in looks or personality.I think Im lovely lol
Whats stopping you getting dressed up and going out with friends from work etc?

I really don't expect you to come out and answer them all publically, but if you can answer some of them it might help you understand is at or potentially heading.

Again I'm still very old fashioned in my thinking although clearly much more liberal on the topic of attractive friends and even dare I say friends I find attractive than some other posters.

However I also believe you can have a very loving relationship with someone without the need for it being sexual,I struggle with the concept however,of it being sexual with no physical attraction or love involved,which may be the situation or state that you describe your marriage as I read it from the thread.
OP that I believe may be the crucial part for you to reconcile between yourself and your husband

I really love him and I know that he loves me, but I cannot cope with the secrecy and ( I feel) deception.

fairy_lights

debsue wrote: »

I really love him and I know that he loves me, but I cannot cope with the secrecy and ( I feel) deception.

Love isn't always enough though, you need trust and honesty too.
It's interesting that you usually go with him when he visits your mother, and it's the one weekend that you weren't with him that he ended up having dinner with another woman.
Has he lied about things like this in the past?

leslieknope

so your assumption that he's not attracted to you is simply because he doesn't explicitly say you're attractive? i don't think that's a good judge... i very rarely express admiration for my partner's looks but i don't not find him attractive. i just don't see the point mentioning it because we're in a relationship and looks aren't the most important thing to me - i prefer to compliment his intelligence, for example. does he say disparaging things or is it simply that he doesn't mention physical attraction to you?

Fireflyaway

I wouldn't be happy. Why would you go out with someone who you find attractive and on top of that keep it secret?
I might be old fashioned / insecure/ weird but I think that in most cases a man and woman wouldn't go out together unless there was some attraction from at least one of them. That doesn't mean the man sees woman as only an object or the woman is a sl@g. Its just biology. Men and women are supposed to be attracted to one another to keep the species alive.
How would he react if you had done the same?

System

How did you find out he'd been out for dinner with another woman if he didnt mention it?

ska_lover

Comms69 wrote: »

Yes please! A shiny one, which chocolate inside! Thanks!


- I was simply asking why paying for dinner would ring alarm bells for you? Surely we've gone past the stage of "I paid for dinner, therefore jump into bed with me?!"

fgs This thread is a mixture of the grown ups talking, then Comms69 in a corner jumping up and down begging attention

Mr Comms69 is completely innocent of any wrongdoing and is going to force it down everyones throat until you believe him,even if you dont ask or dont even care. It is a complete coincidence that he choses 69 as the number in his username btw. Hes innocent, innocent i tells ya

calleyw

Judi wrote: »

How did you find out he'd been out for dinner with another woman if he didnt mention it?

Could be they don't trust their partner and been snooping.

Or someone mentioned in passing. Thinking that the op knew all about it.

Still want to know why the op is with her partner. She does not trust him.

I regularly go out with a bloke for lunch and coffee, paid for in turns. He is my ex husband. I keep an eye on him due to him being disabled. But from what some of the females have said on here. My partner must be mental for trusting me, as of course I jump in bed with my ex at ever opportunity I can

Yours

Calley x