How would you feel?

hazyjo

cjdavies wrote: »

In another post the OP trusts their partner and most people are saying the bloke probably did something with the other bloke as he give out his phone number.

In this one the OP has doubts (as would I) for having dinner with a friend of a friend (not direct friend) and saying its probably nothing.

Am I missing obvious? (Apart from the bluelass, yellow something).

I could understand someone trying to prove a point that gay men and women being close to a bloke are treated differently, but in that other thread the gay man had apparently told the wife they'd had sex. This thread is completely different - not to say it's not the same bored person, but I'm usually good at spotting them.

JIL

It depends on the situation, my husband sometimes works away and he goes out to dinner with a female colleague, that doesn't bother me.

If my husband was working away and he met a friend that was female and they were both in the same place and they chose to eat together, rather than sit by themselves I would be ok with that.

If he asked another woman, with barely any connection, ie not a colleague or relative, to meet him or asked if she would like to go out to dinner, then that's sounding too much like an arranged date so I wouldn't be at all happy, but there are limits.

UKTigerlily

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I'm probably old fashioned but, for me, going out to dinner with someone you find attractive is a date, which I don't think's acceptable when you're in a relationship.

I do hope not, as I often go to Nando's with my best friend, a very attractive, very happily taken by a beautiful girl, guy

Not sure how this is a date when we are friends, he doesn't find me attractive & I have zero interest in him & would dump him as a friend if he ever made a pass (his gf also doesn't see it as a date)

I think some over react

Also, I find him attractive, I do not 'fancy' him, I also find some female attractive and do not fancy them; i'm not blind, I can see a nice looking guy but doesn't mean I have any feelings in that way, I don't

Tabbytabitha

UKTigerlily wrote: »

I do hope not, as I often go to Nando's with my best friend, a very attractive, very happily taken by a beautiful girl, guy

Not sure how this is a date when we are friends, he doesn't find me attractive & I have zero interest in him & would dump him as a friend if he ever made a pass (his gf also doesn't see it as a date)

I think some over react

Also, I find him attractive, I do not 'fancy' him, I also find some female attractive and do not fancy them; i'm not blind, I can see a nice looking guy but doesn't mean I have any feelings in that way, I don't

I think the expression "to find someone attractive" implies an element of fancying them not just knowing objectively that they're good looking. My best friend at university was very beautiful but I would never have said I found her attractive.

I also wouldn't describe eating at Nandos (or similar) as "going out for dinner". We all use language differently and with different implications.

pollypenny

It depends whether he 'took her out', suggesting that it was a treat/date and he paid or whether two people caught up with each over a meal, sharing the bill.

And, as said, the venue is important. A pub meal or Prezzo is fine, but a booking in a special place would set alarm bells ringing.

NBLondon

I think the key point is not mentioning it on the phone the same night... If I'm away on business and we call to say goodnight m'wife might well ask "What did you have for dinner?" (conversationally, not inquisitorially) and the answer could be any of "Couldn't be bothered going out so I had a burger and a beer in the hotel bar while reading the local paper", "We all went to such and such" (i.e. a group of colleagues) or "I went for a drink with XXX my old university pal". Not answering - or prevaricating - or later being found out to have lied would be a warning sign.

A few jobs back, when I was delivering training courses around the country, I sometimes ended up in the same venue as a colleague or a contractor and would eat with them if we were both staying over. One week, I was three days in the same venue but with different courses and different co-presenters - so I ended up going to the same village pub for dinner, two nights running with two different women companions. Eyebrows were subtly raised the second night... and when I told Colleague 2 why - she thought it hilarious... and so did m'wife when I told her afterwards!

System

pollypenny wrote: »

It depends whether he 'took her out', suggesting that it was a treat/date and he paid or whether two people caught up with each over a meal, sharing the bill.

And, as said, the venue is important. A pub meal or Prezzo is fine, but a booking in a special place would set alarm bells ringing.

Totally, i cant see the point in sitting alone if theres someone you know sitting alone too whether it is male of female but if it was planned or the bill for two was paid by just the one it would trigger all sorts of alarm bells in me.

Comms69

Judi wrote: »

Totally, i cant see the point in sitting alone if theres someone you know sitting alone too whether it is male of female but if it was planned or the bill for two was paid by just the one it would trigger all sorts of alarm bells in me.

Why - I've treated friends to dinner before? Hope they didn't think I was expecting something!

need_an_answer

A couple of questions for the OP to ponder.

Has your husband actually told you he finds you unattractive,and is that the root of your insecurity?

Is he attractive in your eyes?

Presumably he once found you attractive what changed?

How do you act as a couple, do you socialise together?
You say he's been going to see his mother and this is where he took the friend of a friend out,just the once?
Why don't you go with him even if it's only occasionally.

When was the last time you had a date night as a couple?
Do you find yourself attractive? or possibly do others see you as attractive either in looks or personality.
Whats stopping you getting dressed up and going out with friends from work etc?

I really don't expect you to come out and answer them all publically, but if you can answer some of them it might help you understand is at or potentially heading.

Again I'm still very old fashioned in my thinking although clearly much more liberal on the topic of attractive friends and even dare I say friends I find attractive than some other posters.

However I also believe you can have a very loving relationship with someone without the need for it being sexual,I struggle with the concept however,of it being sexual with no physical attraction or love involved,which may be the situation or state that you describe your marriage as I read it from the thread.
OP that I believe may be the crucial part for you to reconcile between yourself and your husband

System

Comms69 wrote: »

Why - I've treated friends to dinner before? Hope they didn't think I was expecting something!

Good for you. D'ya want a medal or something?