Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018

dreaming

Did you ask DS why he hadn't contacted you with the new arrangements/ask you if it was ok? I know from eldest that the answer is usually "I forgot" or their phone wasn't working, or some other such excuse. You also need to try to remind DS that it is his (and GF's) behaviour that led to the boys being taken into care in the first place. It also wouldn't hurt if he saw your meltdown - it might be enough of a shock to make him realise how badly all of this is affecting you. Grinning and bearing it is ok for a certain amount of time, but in my experience that just leads people to think that you can cope with anything, or any old behaviour. When my eldest & her partner lived with me I tried very hard to put on a brave face but one day I did just cave in and I do think that was the catalyst for them to really set things in motion to move out (if only to get away from the "mad woman" as the partner called me), and their behaviour changed quite a lot. They have since slipped back to their old ways but as I have said before I just pop in every other week and accept that it is their life and they have the right to live it how they wish - as do I, and I am now choosing to do just that. I know you want to do the best for your children and grandchildren (and IMO you go way beyond that), but it has to be a 2 way street.
Good decision re work I think, although I guess it is hard to turn work away. Just focus on getting through until your holiday thentry to come back with a new resolve that, as thorsoak says, Mooloo comes first.
I hope you have a good Christmas and New Year despite the problems. I always feel a bit sad at this time of year because I remember better times but I am learning to enjoy a new way of enjoying what I do have, not what I wish I had.

charlie3090

Moo,
I dont normally post but what a damn cheek your son has,

I cant get my head around the emotional blackmail about the boys,
honestly I think he is far more manipulative rather than incapable.

All of this is so unfair on you and dgd,are your plans ,hopes,dreams less important?.

I really feel for you,I follow you and have nothing but admiration for you and how you juggle everything,but what good is this if you are making yourself ill?.

Please,please lookafter you first ,

hope your day is better today,

Charlie xx

vandanfc

Mooloo, I think that you believe that the children are better off with their parents, but surely this latest incident must may you stop and think is it really in the best interest of the two boys to go back to their parents ? Is it not a case of simply putting off the inevitable as they will get taken back into care again in the future as DS and GF have not really demonstrated putting the boys first ?

Savvy_sewing

I don't know what I believe about the children at the moment.
Social are in control not me

thorsoak

I am very glad to see that you recognise that the responsibility for the boys is not yours. Let Social Services make the decisions here, Mooloo - for the love of the boys, let them go to a family where they will be loved, cherished and cared for - it isn't fair for them to be in the chaos that seems to be the lifestyle that DS and GF live - where they put themselves and their needs and wants before those of the children. You have done everything possible to help those two - and they do not appreciate what you are giving up. Remember Jonathan Livingston Seagull - if you love someone, let them go - if they are yours, they will return to you, if not, they never were yours.

Harsh, I know - but in your heart of hearts, you know its right. And I'm feeling very sad writing it. xxx

Savvy_sewing

Social are planning to return the boys on the 22nd.
Mum and I are sceptical and think it will be a miracle if they don't take them away again in a matter of weeks.
But I am not having them after this month.
I am resentful of my Son and the useless woman. I can't do it anymore. It's taken all my Good Samaritan feelings and squashed every one of them.

vandanfc

Mooloo time to put you and DG first at all times. x

pollyanna_26

thorsoak wrote: »

I am very glad to see that you recognise that the responsibility for the boys is not yours. Let Social Services make the decisions here, Mooloo - for the love of the boys, let them go to a family where they will be loved, cherished and cared for - it isn't fair for them to be in the chaos that seems to be the lifestyle that DS and GF live - where they put themselves and their needs and wants before those of the children. You have done everything possible to help those two - and they do not appreciate what you are giving up. Remember Jonathan Livingston Seagull - if you love someone, let them go - if they are yours, they will return to you, if not, they never were yours.

Harsh, I know - but in your heart of hearts, you know its right. And I'm feeling very sad writing it. xxx

Mooloo I've just done my usual catch up over the last few pages . I'm glad you've taken control of the work coming in as that was something I was going to suggest .


I'm sorry your health and sleep have been poor . Something that took me time to realise after various stressful times was how much these things impact on our physical and mental health .


At these times we begin to run on Adrenaline and over time have Adrenaline Rushes . There is proven evidence on the British Heart Foundation site on the severe damage these can cause to the heart .


We find ourselves in constant Fight or Flight mode which is exhausting and leaves us dreading the next unknown phone call ,email or whatever comes along even when we go to bed or are getting through the day .


Your son is using emotional blackmail . He doesn't have the difficulties the twins face . He needs to grow up and consider others in his life .


I know you can't help crying on the phone to your mum but he's impacting on many people . She doesn't need this as she's a mum who will worry for you and the rest of the family .


I'm afraid I agree with Thorsoak and other posters . Do the loving and kind thing and give those boys the chance of a loving and stable home and the chance of a good future .


I've said it before but the chain of dependency and enabling needs to be broken and then it's up to your son to sort himself out or not .


Talking about Adrenaline reminds me . Turn off your phones etc at a reasonable time . Let the family know your doing so . Stop being available 24/7 In genuine emergency you will be told .


Midnight moans and ramblings from your son are unacceptable .


You've come through tough and challenging times in your life and can do so again if you listen to your head now rather than your heart . Sometimes the unthinkable thing is the most loving and kindest thing to do .


Think of your dgd , your mum, Biggest and YOU Mooloo . Each of you are getting the impact of all these traumas .
Lastly think of the boys do you want them to suffer trauma too in the future? Nothing suggests to me that your son with or without the gf will provide loving stability to them whatever he says .
He can manipulate you and others to suit his agenda Lacks any concern for you or anyone else and uses emotional blackmail to get his way .


Apart from your dgd you are all adults . Imagine young children living with that behaviour .


I'm sorry to be blunt but this seems make or break time now . For the sake of everyone including the boys think with the head now .


Take care

polly x

mellymoo74

Moo

I have collapsed a couple of times because I wasnt sleeping, had issues with eating and had to hold too much together. Its trite but as long as you remember whatever happens with the children is NOT YOUR FAULT and keep an eye on your health you will be fine.

I had a pretty cruddy upbringing but I am responsible for me, my happiness, my bills, not my mum. She screwed up but she is no longer to blame if stuff goes wrong. She never was.

pollyanna_26

Mooloo wrote: »

Social are planning to return the boys on the 22nd.
Mum and I are sceptical and think it will be a miracle if they don't take them away again in a matter of weeks.
But I am not having them after this month.
I am resentful of my Son and the useless woman. I can't do it anymore. It's taken all my Good Samaritan feelings and squashed every one of them.

Sorry Mooloo I was typing very slowly while you posted . Arthritis and Fibro flares so hands aren't good .


Thinking of you . It's heart breaking when someone finally recognises the clear reality of the sad situations .


It's a shame the little ones will go back into that situation even if only for a short time . SS need to guide this and there is no blame on anyone bar your son and gf .


He'll try to blame you but maybe in the dark , distant future he may get a moment of clarity on where the blame really lies or maybe not .


Don't blame yourself . Each of us needs the lightbulb moment to see situations and people clearly however long it takes .


You did your best according to your feelings and wish to help make things work and you can do no more .


When the dust has settled you need to build your physical and mental health . You have business decisions to make over the coming months . There are bills to pay and a living to be earned .


This time will live with you but you could do no more from all points of view .


polly x