Parenting an adult child

ska_lover

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Flying out to Norway to check up on an adult child's choice of girlfriend is not support.

I agree, however, I sense from that comment you have not read post 35 - that you have partially quoted, I would travel for my sons welfare, not to check up on his choice of girlfriend, and I am pretty sure I didn't actually say that

I would find it very concerning that he appears to be in an unhealthy dependant relationship and as an immature person himself, may not realise the full extent of the situation because he doesn't have life experience to see things as they really are

The fact her parents are luring him over with free lodgings comes across that they are desperate to pass the buck too, no, i would my son to be going into this with his eyes open..especially if this is to be a long term thing. I would not want him to realise two years down the line, something that I could already see.

However things changed since post 35 and it seems the son has made plans to return home, so this is old news now

Just to say on a separate note, the title of the thread 'Parenting an adult child' really does speak volumes. Why is he not referred to as 'Adult son' rather than two conflicting generations 'Adult Child' - and also the use of the word Parenting is used for Children

Fireflyaway

Looking back I have some comments on this. At 19 I met a guy on holiday ( yes in Turkey, yes he was a waiter!). Anyway I went back several times to see him and we talked about getting married. He was very much of the opinion we would live out there and I'd be a stay at home wife and mum. I can't imagine how my poor parents must have felt. I know they didn't agree and didn't want to lose me, but I really think they did the right thing. They didn't constantly nag and certainly didn't shout or threaten to disown me. I knew they loved me and I had a safe stable place at home. So when it came down to it, I realised a life as a housewife in a foreign country far away from my parents under obligation to have kids ( which I didn't want) would have lasting negative consequences. Had my parents been more vocal, the stubborn part might of me might have wanted to prove a point! I'm sorry now for causing them worry but so thankful they took the approach theory did. It saved me from screwing up.
So all I can suggest is don't get too involved. Hopefully he will see in time its not a long term way to live. Don't support him in anyway financially. He needs to learn how hard it will be if he decides to stay.
Stay in contact with the girls parents. Maybe they don't really like the situation but see it helps their daughter. It could be possible your son has painted a slightly wrong picture of life back home. I'm ashamed to say I might have done that when I went AWOL.
Hope it works out. Its worrying but the fact he is young is probably good. I think he will grow up and realise its a mistake.

Spendless

JMO, but I find it really unfair that Becles is being picked up for the titlte of a thread. She posted it at a time when she was emotionally upset, worried about her Dad and thought her son wasn't going to return on his expected flight.

At 18 he might legally be an adult, but at the same time he is also her dependant as he's still at sixth form, and will be on any child related benefits she claims.

I hope they've spent a lovely family time together.

Becles

He came back as planned and we had a lovely day yesterday. Dad was so happy to have everyone around him.

We've not really had a chance to talk much and he's still angry at me. My Mam is being a mediator and helping us sort some issues out so fingers crossed we can get things sorted.

sheramber

If you feel the need to visit this family do it in term of you want to get to know the people he is staying with rather than you checking up on them and him. You may find her parents also have uncertainties about the relationship.

I don't want to be unkind but can't think of any other way to say it. If you use 'parenting' to mean you always have a say in what he does then he may be feeling that restriction as he grows up. He may feel this girl needs him and this may a first for him to be able to make a decision of his own and have some independence.

Tread carefully to guide him not tell him.

A friend has a special needs son in his 30's who has always lived at home. When she and her husband were moving to new area he didn't want to go and leave the only area he had known.

She helped him find supported housing and he moved out.

After a month he told her he wanted to come home and is now happy in the new area.

She could have told him he was not able to look after himself and told to stop him but she supported his decision and was there when he realised his mistake.

System

Looking at it from the other way around, it seems really odd that the girlfriend's family are completely fine with a foreign 'stranger' she met online coming to live with them and their vulnerable daughter, while paying his way for him.
I've had problems similar to the girl, my parents, as much as I know they love me, never wanted to know, and liked to pass the buck on to my poor boyfriend (now husband). It may be young love but they could also be buying her a carer by the sounds of it.

badmemory

As the parent of a child with some "issues" if someone appeared in their life that seemed to be having a positive effect I would grab them with both hands & then watch VERY, VERY carefully that they were still a good idea. I doubt very much that the father has got as far as looking for a carer & is simply looking for a "healer".

Februarycat

Kit1 wrote: »

I am so glad your DD came back to you and pray that one day our DD will also come back to us.

Just after she turned 18 she walked out to live with the love of her life and his wonderful mother. He is a controller but our DD could not see this she just thought the sun shown out of his whole being. It didn't matter what we said we were always wrong. We tried so hard to like him but he just turned her against us anyway saying we said horrible things to him, which we never but it is our word against his and he will always be right. That was almost 5 years ago and l doubt anything will change. She dumped all her friends too and all they would say was they didn't like him or trust him.

Maybe one day.

Kit1 sorry to hear about your DD, I'm going through a similar thing with my ds, his fianc!e is very controlling and he seems almost frightened to do anything that might upset her and even in their own places looks nervous of her and not relaxed.


When I saw him last week he looks very thin, he has always been slim, but I noticed he looks very gaunt in his face. If I say anything about his fianc!e he wont have a bad word said against her and she treats him awful from what I have seen, but I try not to interfere and hope he see's sense one day and leaves her, but I cant see that happening now as they have just had a baby.
Hope your DD comes home to you soon.

ska_lover

Good luck Becles - all the very best for you and your family in the new year

dawyldthing

BorisThomson wrote: »

I disagree. Some people just cannot handle the imminent death of a loved one and will go into avoidance mode so they don't have to deal with it. They take the choice to remember their relative when they were well.

My brother couldn't manage seeing our grandad in his final days and he hasn't regretted it. We all have different ways of dealing with these things, and none of them are wrong.

trailingspouse, brilliant post, summed up perfectly.

I know someone (mid 50s who lived directly opposite the nursing home her mum was in for 2 years and didn't visit her in there as she wanted to remember her well, so it happens