Parenting an adult child

Becles

I wouldn't have gone over there. I agree that might have caused more problems.

I've had a message from the girl's father to say he is taking him to the airport to catch the flights. I've not had any contact from my son.

I'll see how things go over the next couple of days, do the thing with my Dad and make sure son and me have a good sit down chat with me being supportive but not critical.

Thank you so much everyone who took the time to reply. I have appreciated all the responses and it's given me thought on how best to work through this.

iammumtoone

I am glad the immediate issue of your son coming home to see his grandad has been resolved you now need to think long term.

As I see it the situation does have some positives, I'm in no way saying its ideal and must be really stressful for you but try to see the best in what you cannot change.

Norway is a safe country, lots of young adults go off to countries that aren't so. Even though your son can't speak the language it is likely that everyone he meets/needs to communicate with will speak English.

The girls parents seem to have put a lot of trust/faith in your son (which your son needs to be given credit for that they deem him worthy of this). By the sounds of her problems if it all goes pear shaped (which as teenagers this is very likely)then the daughter will be the one that suffers more than your son when/if this happens.

I agree that you need to get over there asap to assess the situation yourself. Do not go on the premise that you are checking up on your son. Go on the perfectly reasonable request that as things seem to be getting serious you would like to meet your sons girlfriend/her family. If they are a decent family then they will welcome the opportunity for this, they will want to meet you as well.

Even though technically he is a adult he is still young and at that age still perfectly capable of telling his mother stories to get he whats. Therefore when he said his girlfriend 'needs' him this might just be that shes want him to go and he wants to see her, the 'needs' me thing might not be quite how it sounds. They only way to access this is to go and see for yourself and meet her. I am sure plenty of 18 year olds speak to /text their girlfriends when it should be family time, its just as this girl has some problems your son has a convenient 'excuse' that it should be allowed for him as she 'needs' him.

Lizabeth21

Becles wrote: »

I'll see how things go over the next couple of days, do the thing with my Dad and make sure son and me have a good sit down chat with me being supportive but not critical.

Maybe the chat could consist of asking him about the girl, her family and what they did etc. What did he think of the country, area etc. Norway is a spectacular place. (Hard not to be critical of his decisions but that’s part of being a mum- our children have their own road to travel)

I really hope all goes well with you and you can keep your cool at a very emotional time!

ska_lover

peachyprice wrote: »

Way to alienate a son forever.

No matter how immature OP deems him to be, he is an adult, not a child who needs his mummy to come running because he's experiencing things she doesn't agree with.

I would imagine if she takes herself over there uninvited she will push her son further away and will have broken all trust between them, it's not how you treat adult children.

Alienate forever? I think that would assume a very brittle relationship.

It wouldn't be going 'running because hes experiencing things she doesn't agree with ' - it would be going with the reason to enquire about the wellbeing of an immature vulnerable 'barely' adult, who in my opinion could be being used to make the other families life easier - in another country. There were quite a few things not adding up here

I have to say though, I would not be a massive fan of the emotional manipulation that seems to be going on here - the girlfriend seems very needy - and it is not healthy to put that on someone else, NOR for her father to be so keen to do so - especially someone so young.

I would not be happy that my teenage son was being burdened with someone elses welfare, its not a relationship of equals (i say this from the limited info we have here) . The fact of being needed for the sake of someone elses mental health is NOT a good reason to upsticks and move, and i stand by my response that I would not be sitting back and letting this happen without being sure about a few things.

It seems there is a general consensus that at the stroke of midnight on a persons 18th birthday, any parental support is withdrawn, even if the person is immature or vulnerable and does not have the life experience to see things as they are

There's a lot of people giving parenting advice based purely on the single fact of age, when I would have thought it obvious that anyone who has brought up children will realise that young people mature at very different rates and one 17 year old will be more capable and mature than another person who is 19 for example.

I am glad he is coming home OP, and I hope things work out, the immediate concern is over. I do agree that adults, you should possibly be not getting OVERLY involved in their lives but something seems strange about all this to me, and i would have certain questions before resting easy

iammumtoone

ska_lover wrote: »

It seems there is a general consensus that at the stroke of midnight on a persons 18th birthday, any parental support is withdrawn, even if the person is immature or vulnerable and does not have the life experience to see things as they are

There's a lot of people giving parenting advice based purely on the single fact of age, when I would have thought it obvious that anyone who has brought up children will realise that young people mature at very different rates and one 17 year old will be more capable and mature than another person who is 19 for example.

This is very true but in some ways it doesn't make a difference as it is what the law says. It is possible a 15 year old could be more sensible/mature than another 18 year old. At 15 they could be prevented by a parent from doing something the parent doesn't agree with, at 18 they can't, and however immature the 18 year olds are they know this.

Tabbytabitha

trailingspouse wrote: »

It's hard for some youngsters to understand the finality of certain things. I'm assuming your son has not suffered any bereavement in his past, so hasn't experienced that sense of something being gone for ever.

It's a shame for his Grandad, and your son will have regrets should this indeed be his last Christmas. But I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

I've always thought that, as the parents of grown ups, our role changes significantly - I see us as wicket keepers, there to catch them when they fall. They need to make their own mistakes - just like we did.

He will go to Norway, and he will come back again - he may come back with the love of his life, he may come back heartbroken, or something in between. But he will come back more mature than he went.

I'd prefer the analogy of picking them up after they fall rather than catching them, which implies that we should try to stop them from falling.

elona

tabby

Our instinct is to try to stop them from falling and it is the hardest thing in the world to stand back and be a safety net rather than to be a security person saying "No".

They need to learn by making their own mistakes and no amount of advice will stop them. It will only alienate them and leave them feeling they can't ask for help as "I told you so!"

At times tongues have been bitten so hard and so often they feel frayed but in the long term it is what is needed.

Hopefully my dds know I love and respect them, that I am always there if needed but that I trust them to make their own decisions and even if "stuff happens!" we can deal with it together.

Tabbytabitha

elona wrote: »

tabby

Our instinct is to try to stop them from falling and it is the hardest thing in the world to stand back and be a safety net rather than to be a security person saying "No".

They need to learn by making their own mistakes and no amount of advice will stop them. It will only alienate them and leave them feeling they can't ask for help as "I told you so!"

At times tongues have been bitten so hard and so often they feel frayed but in the long term it is what is needed.

Hopefully my dds know I love and respect them, that I am always there if needed but that I trust them to make their own decisions and even if "stuff happens!" we can deal with it together.

I understand what you mean but nobody learns from their mistakes if someone protects them from the effects of their actions.

[Deleted User]

My son is 21, has aspergers and is on his second gf now. As they both have/had ASD, both relationships are problematic. I have just had to organise picking him up today because the situation with his gf's family got too heavy for him. He didn't ask to be picked up.., but he said enough for me to sense he was a bit stressed and he jumped on the idea when I said 'would you like to be collected?'

I strongly sense this relationship isn't going to work, but he feels he loves her and I am just supporting him. I don't let him know my opinions because they are mine, I don't know her or her family. I am letting my son make his own decisions and learn from them but he knows I am there if he needs me.

Its all you can do. Be sympathetic and understanding, but let him think it through for himself. Act more like an echo of his own thoughts about the situation than a brick wall. As others have said, you can't really say much to change his mind anyway.., just support him and provide a soft place to land if/when he needs it.

peachyprice

ska_lover wrote: »

Alienate forever?



It seems there is a general consensus that at the stroke of midnight on a persons 18th birthday, any parental support is withdrawn, even if the person is immature or vulnerable and does not have the life experience to see things as they are

There's a lot of people giving parenting advice based purely on the single fact of age, when I would have thought it obvious that anyone who has brought up children will realise that young people mature at very different rates and one 17 year old will be more capable and mature than another person who is 19 for example.

It doesn't matter how mature or immature a parent perceives their 18+ child to be, that person is legally an adult and should be treated as such. That doesn't equate to 'withdrawing parental support' it equates to treating them like the adult they know they are.

An 18 year old can't unknow the fact that they are 18 and legally an adult just because it doesn't suit a parent's agenda.