Parenting an adult child

Becles

I'm not sure how to handle this for the best and would appreciate advice.

My son is 18 but immature for his age. He's been talking to a girl in Norway for a while who he met in an online game. She has just turned 17. They seemed to be getting on well, so he went to visit her in August and again in October. I don't know her or her family and have never spoken to them. I wasn't happy about him going to visit "strangers" but he trusted them and said he was 18 and wanted to go so I couldn't really forbid him from going.

I've since found out that the girl has eating disorders and is under psychiatric care for mental health problems. I've been getting concerned as he's been constantly online as he says the girl needs him. She is constantly messaging him and it's caused flash points when he's glued to his phone during family activities etc.

On the October visit, the father invited him to go and live in Norway permanently as the girl wants him over there. He said they would support him for six months which would give him time to find a job and a home. My son is dyslexic and his qualifications are not very good and he doesn't speak any Norwegian. I'm not sure how he can survive financially in an expensive country like Norway on an entry level salary job. He doesn't have savings to support him and I'm on a budget so couldn't offer financial support.

He's still at sixth form college here and I said that was too big a decision to make at 18. I said it would be better if he waited a couple of years until they got to know each other better and they were sure this was a long term relationship and not just infatuation.

I was at work on the 20th December when he texted me and said he'd booked flights over on the 26th-30th December as she needed to see him. I wasn't happy about this as we had family stuff planned, but he'd already booked the flights so there wasn't much I could do about it. He's taken money from a small savings account that my parents gave him on his 18th which they'd saved with the intention of helping him through university or something sensible like that.

He texted me yesterday to say he's changed his plans and he is now stopping until the 5th January as the girl needs him. The flights are non-refundable so he will lose the money he has paid for today's flights and needs to pay for new ones. I'm not sure if he has enough money with him to cover new flights.

At home, my Dad is not very well. He had a stroke a few years back and has several health conditions. He has recently been told that his heart, lungs and kidneys are failing. He knows this could be his last Christmas. My brother and his children live miles away but are visiting for New Year. Before Christmas my Dad said he was really looking forward to seeing all his children and grandchildren around the table for one last Christmas.

I've told my son that he must come home today as my Dad really wants to see him for the reasons above. He knows my Dad is ill but said the girl is more important than my Dad and our family. I still don't know if he is coming home today or not as he turned his phone off last night.

I'm concerned about the hold this girl seems to have over him. He says he is 18 and can do what he wants, but I'm still his mother and I worry that the relationship is too intense.

Should I back off and leave him be? Or should I intervene and if so, how should I handle it? I'm scared of making a balls up of this and losing him.

seven-day-weekend

What an awful situation I completely understand your worries.

I don't see how you can make him come home, unfortunately.

If he does, I think all you can do is try to make him see, without running down his friend, that it is all too intense and he should not rush to make decisions. Whether he will listen to you remains to be seen. I hope he does.

Wishing you well and wish I had better advice.

Spendless

As said, there's nothing you can do to 'make' him. You can appeal to his better nature and if he can't afford the changed air fare then maybe he won't have a choice but to get on today's flight. What time was he due to fly, could he still make it?

I'd leave off your concerns about the suitability of the girlfriend and exactly how this is going to all work out for now and just concentrate on seeing your Dad.

If he goes off to Norway next year, he'll soon experience all the things you're saying like the lack of job, language difficulties and expense. He'll either decide it's not for him or he'll make it work out because that's what he wants.

FBaby

OP, I've been there, in a very similar situation at the same age. All I can say is that nothing my parents would said or done at the time would have changed my mind. I was madly in love and strongly determined. I was there for 6 years, but there were not wasted years. I studied and worked and was able to pick up another job when I finally came back, finally accepting that I wasn't going to 'cure' the guy and that although I was still in love with him, my dream that we would be happy forever together would not happen.

I can understand how frightening it must be, but unfortunately, there is probably little you can do. You are better off being supportive of him so that if things go very wrong, at least he will be in touch with you to ask to come back rather than being miserable there but thinking he can't contact you.

Tabbytabitha

If he hasn't enough money to pay for new tickets, he'll either have to come home on the one he's booked or the Norwegian family will have to let him have the money.

Regarding moving over later in the year, that isn't necessarily an enormous decision - he might benefit from the independence and many young people travel at that age and at far greater distances than Norway. In between then and now, why not fly over and met this girl and her parents to put your mind at rest?
I do agree that it sounds too intense but relationships often are at that age.

Becles

Spendless wrote: »

What time was he due to fly, could he still make it?

Yes. The flight leaves at 5.15pm their time today. It's an indirect flight and he's due to land in the UK just after 10pm tonight. I'd already agreed to pick him up from the airport when the original plan was made.

JayJay100

Nightmare situation, and I do speak from personal experience of supporting a friend through something similar, although it didn't have the added complication of the abroad factor. Her 19 year old son packed in his university course and moved 250 miles away, to a girl who 'needed' him; she was a self-harmer, with a vast array of triggers. As soon as my friend tried to put any pressure on him, he cut all contact with my friend; that was a really dreadful time, as she didn't have a clue as to what was going on. Eventually, he rang in the middle of the night, in one hell of a state, asking to come home. She drove down and got him straight away, but it took a long time to get to the bottom of what the breaking point was. Happy to say that he's now five years down the line, in a strong relationship and very happy indeed..

I would suggest that you try and keep the lines of communication open, even if you don't like what you hear. Try to put your point of view across calmly, but always make sure that you say that he's an adult, the final decision must be his, and you will support him in his choices. Try to have money put to one side, in case he needs that emergency plane ticket to get home, and make sure that he knows that your door is always open, or you're always at the end of the phone, if he needs you. It's going to be a tough balancing act for you.

At the moment, everything will be new and dazzling for him, and possibly the fulfilment of everything he's been dreaming about. Once the shine wears off, and the reality of being in a foreign country, struggling with the language, with a poorly paid job or no job at all, and being stuck with such a needy person when he's so young, might make him see things differently. There's always the chance that it could work out for him, and he ends up being very happy indeed.

Here's hoping everything works out for you, and sooner, rather than later.

atolaas

This might have to be a lesson he learns the "hard way". Keep the lines of communication open, make sure that he knows that he can talk to you whenever he wants and needs to Try not to focus on how unsuitable this girl may be but instead how difficult it would be for him to find work - learn to speak Norwegian and find somewhere to live. His girlfriend's father isn't going to be prepared to support him financially forever. Perhaps you could put aside a little money in order to buy him an emergency plane ticket back to the UK - just in case? I hope that things will work out for the best.

*Robin*

In this situation, I'd be on the 'phone to the girl's father!
..As friendly as possible, saying our family is pleased the two youngsters have found each other, and we will gladly host his daughter's return visit very soon - but - explain that Grandpa is dying and much effort has gone into arranging his final New Year Celebrations. Son's attendance is expected, has been planned and his Grandpa will be devastated if Son is not there.. Explain how much the rest of your family are doing to ensure Grandpa has all of his grand-children around him - then ask the girl's father to please, make sure Son gets on his booked flight this afternoon!

Becles

*Robin* wrote: »

In this situation, I'd be on the 'phone to the girl's father!
..As friendly as possible, saying our family is pleased the two youngsters have found each other, and we will gladly host his daughter's return visit very soon - but - explain that Grandpa is dying and much effort has gone into arranging his final New Year Celebrations. Son's attendance is expected, has been planned and his Grandpa will be devastated if Son is not there.. Explain how much the rest of your family are doing to ensure Grandpa has all of his grand-children around him - then ask the girl's father to please, make sure Son gets on his booked flight this afternoon!

It was late last night so I sent a Whatsapp message to the girls father in case I disturbed him. I thanked him for his extended invite and explained about my Dad and why we really need my son home today. The message back had no empathy and just said "I will speak to *sons name*". I have had no further contact from him or my son.

peachyprice

Becles wrote: »

It was late last night so I sent a Whatsapp message to the girls father in case I disturbed him. I thanked him for his extended invite and explained about my Dad and why we really need my son home today. The message back had no empathy and just said "I will speak to *sons name*". I have had no further contact from him or my son.

I'm not surprised TBH, Norwegians are funny old fish and are renowned for being unemotional. I would imagine he is viewing your son as being an adult and able to make his own decisions.