Parenting an adult child

Hoogle

So his Grandad who gave him money that he is using to visit this girl, wants him there for possibly his last Christmas but yet your son cant see past his own wants to accommodate his Grandfathers wishes....

It is hard for young adults to understand their is more to life than what they just want, and unfortunately this is a lesson many people learn the hard way. Lets just hope he sees sense soon.

trailingspouse

It's hard for some youngsters to understand the finality of certain things. I'm assuming your son has not suffered any bereavement in his past, so hasn't experienced that sense of something being gone for ever.

It's a shame for his Grandad, and your son will have regrets should this indeed be his last Christmas. But I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

I've always thought that, as the parents of grown ups, our role changes significantly - I see us as wicket keepers, there to catch them when they fall. They need to make their own mistakes - just like we did.

He will go to Norway, and he will come back again - he may come back with the love of his life, he may come back heartbroken, or something in between. But he will come back more mature than he went.

Pixie5740

I think you’ll just need to let him learn the hard way. The more you put your foot down the more he’ll run away.

If he misses his grandfather’s last days that’s his choice but I guarantee he will regret it.

BorisThomson

Pixie5740 wrote: »

I think you’ll just need to let him learn the hard way. The more you put your foot down the more he’ll run away.

If he misses his grandfather’s last days that’s his choice but I guarantee he will regret it.

I disagree. Some people just cannot handle the imminent death of a loved one and will go into avoidance mode so they don't have to deal with it. They take the choice to remember their relative when they were well.

My brother couldn't manage seeing our grandad in his final days and he hasn't regretted it. We all have different ways of dealing with these things, and none of them are wrong.

trailingspouse, brilliant post, summed up perfectly.

FBaby

Her father might responded as he did because he thinks that your son is not his responsibility. He has the welfare of his daughter to prioritise and if your son is not prepared to do as you ask, why should he get involved when he is an adult?

It's hard to let our children go at that age, especially when we think they are getting themselves into possible trouble, but again, all you can do now is say to him that you hope all goes well and that you are there for him if it doesn't. You've done all you could to get him back for his grandfather, there is nothing more you can do now.

ska_lover

Becles wrote: »

I'm not sure how to handle this for the best and would appreciate advice.

My son is 18 but immature for his age. He's been talking to a girl in Norway for a while who he met in an online game. She has just turned 17. They seemed to be getting on well, so he went to visit her in August and again in October. I don't know her or her family and have never spoken to them. I wasn't happy about him going to visit "strangers" but he trusted them and said he was 18 and wanted to go so I couldn't really forbid him from going.

I've since found out that the girl has eating disorders and is under psychiatric care for mental health problems. I've been getting concerned as he's been constantly online as he says the girl needs him. She is constantly messaging him and it's caused flash points when he's glued to his phone during family activities etc.

On the October visit, the father invited him to go and live in Norway permanently as the girl wants him over there. He said they would support him for six months which would give him time to find a job and a home. My son is dyslexic and his qualifications are not very good and he doesn't speak any Norwegian. I'm not sure how he can survive financially in an expensive country like Norway on an entry level salary job. He doesn't have savings to support him and I'm on a budget so couldn't offer financial support.

He's still at sixth form college here and I said that was too big a decision to make at 18. I said it would be better if he waited a couple of years until they got to know each other better and they were sure this was a long term relationship and not just infatuation.

I was at work on the 20th December when he texted me and said he'd booked flights over on the 26th-30th December as she needed to see him. I wasn't happy about this as we had family stuff planned, but he'd already booked the flights so there wasn't much I could do about it. He's taken money from a small savings account that my parents gave him on his 18th which they'd saved with the intention of helping him through university or something sensible like that.

He texted me yesterday to say he's changed his plans and he is now stopping until the 5th January as the girl needs him. The flights are non-refundable so he will lose the money he has paid for today's flights and needs to pay for new ones. I'm not sure if he has enough money with him to cover new flights.

At home, my Dad is not very well. He had a stroke a few years back and has several health conditions. He has recently been told that his heart, lungs and kidneys are failing. He knows this could be his last Christmas. My brother and his children live miles away but are visiting for New Year. Before Christmas my Dad said he was really looking forward to seeing all his children and grandchildren around the table for one last Christmas.

I've told my son that he must come home today as my Dad really wants to see him for the reasons above. He knows my Dad is ill but said the girl is more important than my Dad and our family. I still don't know if he is coming home today or not as he turned his phone off last night.

I'm concerned about the hold this girl seems to have over him. He says he is 18 and can do what he wants, but I'm still his mother and I worry that the relationship is too intense.

Should I back off and leave him be? Or should I intervene and if so, how should I handle it? I'm scared of making a balls up of this and losing him.

I really feel for you, this must be tearing you apart

I would HAVE to go over there and get a feel of things for myself - there is no way I would be happy with the explanations you are getting from anyone

i would want reassurance that my son wasn't being invited in order to make the families life easier, take the responsibility of the girl on board himself, after all hes immature and that makes HIM vunerable

I think you need to get over there pronto, and see for yoursef

chesky

ska_lover wrote: »

I really feel for you, this must be tearing you apart

I would HAVE to go over there and get a feel of things for myself - there is no way I would be happy with the explanations you are getting from anyone

i would want reassurance that my son wasn't being invited in order to make the families life easier, take the responsibility of the girl on board himself, after all hes immature and that makes HIM vunerable

I think you need to get over there pronto, and see for yoursef

Be careful, supposing the OP’s father died whilst she was away, then she might develop guilty feelings that she wasn’t around. That in turn could result in resentment towards her son for having missed his final hours.

ska_lover

chesky wrote: »

Be careful, supposing the OP’s father died whilst she was away, then she might develop guilty feelings that she wasn’t around. That in turn could result in resentment towards her son for having missed his final hours.

Really it is up to the OP what she can live with easiest and give peace of mind to her.

peachyprice

ska_lover wrote: »

I really feel for you, this must be tearing you apart

I would HAVE to go over there and get a feel of things for myself - there is no way I would be happy with the explanations you are getting from anyone

i would want reassurance that my son wasn't being invited in order to make the families life easier, take the responsibility of the girl on board himself, after all hes immature and that makes HIM vunerable

I think you need to get over there pronto, and see for yoursef

Way to alienate a son forever.

No matter how immature OP deems him to be, he is an adult, not a child who needs his mummy to come running because he's experiencing things she doesn't agree with.

I would imagine if she takes herself over there uninvited she will push her son further away and will have broken all trust between them, it's not how you treat adult children.

Ms_Chocaholic

peachyprice wrote: »

Way to alienate a son forever.

No matter how immature OP deems him to be, he is an adult, not a child who needs his mummy to come running because he's experiencing things she doesn't agree with.

I would imagine if she takes herself over there uninvited she will push her son further away and will have broken all trust between them, it's not how you treat adult children.

I totally agree plus what purpose will it service, the OP can hardly mandhandle her son onto a plane home. It'll be a waste of time and resources.