Parenting an adult child

littleredhen

As others have said, you are between a rock and a hard place, however I would say if you can be supportive then go for it, unfortunately even though your dad is unwell, it won't make your son come home and at 18 you can't really expect him to join in your plans. Make your own arrangements and let him know what you are doing so he can join in if he wants but the more you can offer support and empathy to his situation the more he is likely to work it out himself and look to you in the future for advice. What I try to do is ask myself, in these situations, what would I advise a friend to do, which takes the emotion out of it, then I try to follow the advice, not easy and I wish you well with a tricky time.

Spendless

Becles wrote: »

It was late last night so I sent a Whatsapp message to the girls father in case I disturbed him. I thanked him for his extended invite and explained about my Dad and why we really need my son home today. The message back had no empathy and just said "I will speak to *sons name*". I have had no further contact from him or my son.

His command of English may not be that great. Also, my husband sometimes replies ike this to messages (or tells me too) at times when I want to say a heap more, but husband is hedging his bets, not taking sides and playing for time until he's aware of more of the situation.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

also - you don't know what the son has told the other family about you. He may not have painted you in the best light

KxMx

While I appreciate you are in a very difficult situation, what you want your son to do and what granddad wants his grandson to do, doesn't mean the adult in question has to follow along.

*Robin*

Becles wrote: »

It was late last night so I sent a Whatsapp message to the girls father in case I disturbed him. I thanked him for his extended invite and explained about my Dad and why we really need my son home today. The message back had no empathy and just said "I will speak to *sons name*". I have had no further contact from him or my son.

I would not have used text in this situation; I'd want to hear the father's voice, get his reaction, be sure of his understanding..

Still, it's done now. Fingers crossed he appreciates your family's position and it trumps his concerns for his daughter's short-term gratification (who knows how desperate her MH issues currently are?).

Good Luck Becles - what you could do is call back at lunch-time [when it is reasonable to expect the girl's father will have spoken to Son] and see how the land lies; whether you can confirm the airport pick-up for Son tonight?
ETA: ..Then 'phone Son straight away and offer to help with his next flights - or hers if that's the way things work out!

Edited again: On reflection, I'd speak to Son first; make the offer to help pay for his flight back to Norway after Grandpa's New Year reunion.

Alikay

No advice I'm afraid, just a hand-hold....it's so hard when they choose to go down a route which seems so precarious! Just remember that there are very few things in life which can't be undone, or corrected further down the line. Most likely scenario is that he'll emerge from the relationship with his education incomplete and have to come home and pick up the pieces: That's not really a biggie in the overall scheme of things - just keep communication open, and try and prevent him from spending all of the uni fund his grandparents gave him!

qwert_yuiop

Becles wrote: »

It was late last night so I sent a Whatsapp message to the girls father in case I disturbed him. I thanked him for his extended invite and explained about my Dad and why we really need my son home today. The message back had no empathy and just said "I will speak to *sons name*". I have had no further contact from him or my son.

Not easy for him in a foreign language.

indiepanda

Her parents really should be ashamed of themselves. Their daughter has a lot of problems and they should be supporting her to get through them with professional help not encouraging your son to move overseas to satisfy her whims - she is not his responsibility, she is theirs. It's one thing wanting the experience of living in a foreign country and choosing it for positive reasons but this sounds too much responsibility for an immature 18 year old to deal with.

I am not sure what advice to offer, trying to use logic and reason with someone who is clearly very infatuated isn't going to work and even trying to sort it out via her parents might not work as if they withdrew the offer they shouldn't not made and he worked out it was because of your influence then he might never forgive you. All you can do is try to maintain contact and be there for him and hope it doesn't go too badly for him.

Lizabeth21

English is widely spoken in Norway.
Keep the lines of communication open. Try not to be too negative about the situation because it will work against you.
He is 18 so legally able to decide for himself just be ready to pick up the pieces.
As a mother I feel for you and it’s a dreadful situation to be in. It will work out as he thinks or it won’t. With you I hope it works out for the best one way or another. But be ready because if it doesn’t work out as he wants he’ll need you. Motherhood eh? Best wishes to you and your family.

es5595

Not a huge amount to add apart from to echo previous posters;

A lot of people travel at his age, and they learn quickly not. Yes, he might get his fingers burnt, and as a parent that’s not nice to watch, but use the seperation to try and form an adult - adult relationship with him, and let him know whatever happens you’ll be there for him, and he’ll always have a roof over his head in your home. Then if he does decide to go and doesn’t like it, he won’t feel forced to stay less he “loses face”.

Don’t read too much into the Norwegians Dad’s response. He might speak English verbally much better than he can write it, and it always helps to maintain civil relations with him whatever the outcome. Also, you couldn’t prevent your son leaving so he’s unlikely to be able to force your son onto a plane.

Reiterate to him when he comes back and to her Dad how much you’re looking forward to meeting his girlfriend/daughter, would she like to come to visit the UK or if she’s not up to travelling you look forwards to seeing her in Norway.

Most importantly, can I say again how important it is to try and establish an adult - adult relationship, however much of an immature (but know it all!) 18 year old he is. And best of luck. It will all work out in the end!