New found sister problem

JayJay100

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

Some people are just a bit thick about the realities of other people's job situation. The type of people who book weddings on a Friday because it's cheaper, then are surprised and offended when guests who are teachers can't attend. Don't read too much into it; she just might not know anyone with a different type of job to her own.

That's true. She doesn't have to work, and she volunteers at a charity shop. I don't think she realises how tricky it can be.

cheeky-peach wrote: »

I find it shocking that someone would go ahead and book something for a particular day / time without ensuring that all attendees could make it. I've not known of a plan to be made without firming the date and time before deciding the what to do. I also give another vote for unreasonable.

I would just reiterate that you have an existing commitment but you're still keen to meet up. See if she is willing to discuss dates and times first providing she gets back to you which I hope she does.

I was surprised when I read the e-mail; we'd only made tentative plans that it would be good to meet up at some point,and suddenly there was a plan. I do have a friend who will book things on the spur of the moment, but if someone can't make it, she understands.

Nicki wrote: »

New relationships like this are complicated (speaking as an adoptee who is slowly getting to know birth family who often want to move more quickly than I'm comfortable with) and I think from your earlier thread that your half sister is very recently bereaved?

I agree she's behaving unreasonably but I wouldn't immediately leap to judging her whole character from one incident of poor judgment and letting that cause mistrust going forward. I agree with the poster who suggested you offer an alternative date again and just try to keep the dialogue going with her.

Yes, my first thought when I read the e-mail was 'this is a bit quick for me', but as I couldn't put a finger on why, I decided to go with it. She lost her mum a few months ago now, but it's still fairly recent, and who can put a time-frame on grief.

I'd love to keep the dialogue open, but it's difficult if she won't reply, and I don't want to be a nuisance.

gonzo127

JayJay100 wrote: »

I will be careful. Given the way our conversations have gone, the sickie comment surprised me, but I know that plenty don't consider pulling a sickie as a problem, and some factor it into their working year. Each to their own, but I wouldn't ask someone to do that for me.



It did cross my mind to just book somewhere else, but then I thought that she may take it as a criticism of her original choice. I'm really not going to cope well if it's a case of being 'petty'; the words 'do one' spring to mind on that.



The voucher thing is a possibility, as is wanting to be out of the house; I'm not so sure about the sister being away, as she wouldn't know me from Adam.

The OH suggested leaving it until after Christmas, but if I do that, I'm worried that could reinforce the feeling that it's not important to me, when it is.

book the same place but on a day you can make then its no criticism etc same place same thing, just you have booked on a day you can make.

JayJay100

gonzo127 wrote: »

book the same place but on a day you can make then its no criticism etc same place same thing, just you have booked on a day you can make.

If I hear from her, I will do. I've got a feeling I'm not going to hear from her, though.

Lolu wrote: »

That’s sad that she reacted like that, but appreciate that you don’t fully know each other and sometimes people take the ‘family first’ thing too far. You may have lots on common, but things like sensitivity can’t be gauged until you’re in a situation. It is questionable and does raise an eyebrow as to why she booked it without checking availability- this isn’t standard practice. Her reaction to your reasonable response raises the other eyebrow. Take it easy with this relationship don’t invest too much too soon, but understand the natural desire to catch up and bond. As another poster suggested maybe take the lead in booking somewhere else, but maintain the momentum in the situation, don’t let time pass. Good luck

Yes, eye brows are firmly in hair-line at present. Just trying to judge how long to leave it, before sending another e-mail. It's like dating; I was useless at that too.

System

JayJay100 wrote: »

she hasn't replied.

Absolute classic move. Making her problem your problem and then cutting all contact leaving you to stew. What she has done is gone quiet to assume the moral high ground. Don't whatever you do give her more power by panda'ing to her with more grovelling emails explaining yourself. A convincing "no" I can't make it and then no more discussion is the way forward. People like this LOVE it when you gorvel round them with apologetic emails/texts etc. it makes them feel really important, especially if they can keep you hanging! Treat her the same way, she'll hate it. Leave her to contact you, then leave it a couple of days to reply (at least).

JayJay100

andydownes123 wrote: »

Absolute classic move. Making her problem your problem and then cutting all contact leaving you to stew. What she has done is gone quiet to assume the moral high ground. Don't whatever you do give her more power by panda'ing to her with more grovelling emails explaining yourself. A convincing "no" I can't make it and then no more discussion is the way forward. People like this LOVE it when you gorvel round them with apologetic emails/texts etc. it makes them feel really important, especially if they can keep you hanging! Treat her the same way, she'll hate it. Leave her to contact you, then leave it a couple of days to reply (at least).

Generally, this would be closer to my approach; I've e-mailed, you've not replied, ball's now in your court. I'm a straight-forward person, and I detest playing games: that doesn't mean to say I can't play them, if I can be bothered.

I think I'll give it one more e-mail, in a couple of days, and if that doesn't work, then that will be that.

System

JayJay100 wrote: »

I think I'll give it one more e-mail, in a couple of days, and if that doesn't work, then that will be that.

I wouldn't. Why do you feel the need to justify to her, when she's not prepared to meet you halfway. Remember, she wants you to come after her, that's her point.

sheramber

She may feel it was just an excuse and you will just put her off again if she suggests a day.

You could try picking a day you can manage and send an email saying ' Sorry I wasn't able to arrange to meet when you suggested but what about meeting on XXX?
Then she knows you can come that day and it was not just an excuse.

If she doesn't reply then leave things alone. She has had her chance.

Pollycat

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I would also suggest that you move very carefully forward with this relationship as her suggestion to pull a sickie suggests somewhat 'flexible' moral values. Not saying don't get to know her, I just mean, be a little careful with how you proceed where issues of trust come up.

I'd echo the moving forward carefully - not only because of the 'sickie' suggestion but because she's thrown a strop (imho very unreasonably) when you have a perfectly good reason to decline the invitation.

She really should have checked with you before going ahead and booking somewhere.

She could have a hidden agenda in wanting to be friends with you.
Be wary.

JayJay100

andydownes123 wrote: »

I wouldn't. Why do you feel the need to justify to her, when she's not prepared to meet you halfway. Remember, she wants you to come after her, that's her point.

I understand what you're saying; I had a best friend who behaved in this way all of the time, right up to the moment where I thought 'enough!' and put a stop to it. The sad thing is that she doesn't understand why I ended the friendship, and I don't think she ever will, as she cannot see anything wrong with her behaviour.

This feels different. For one, we've both been thrown some pretty major curve balls this year, and it's not easy to deal with any of it; it will be worse for her, as she's lost her mum, and found out that her mum has kept some huge secrets for the whole of her life - that's got to be tough for anyone to deal with. For two, I've not seen a single suggestion of this behaviour in previous e-mails, and there have been a lot of e-mails now. Lastly, I don't know the reason behind her silence, or if this is what she does: playing Devil's advocate I don't know if she uses silence as a weapon, or if she ends up with silence, because it's gone too far and she doesn't know how to get out of it.

Based on the above, I think it's worth another e-mail, but I'm not going to chase.

happyandcontented

I think you have to go with your gut feel on this. I hope it ends well and that you overcome this bump in the road.