New found sister problem

JayJay100

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

It sounds like she's in a lot of turmoil, none of which is your fault but is actually understandable. She's lost her mum, she's found out about you, and the relationship with her full sister is going through a tough time too.

I'm not really sure what I'd do here. Probably a brief email that I'm sorry she's going through such a tough time, that its hard on everybody at the moment and that you understand if she wants to hold off on meeting but that you're happy to whenever she is.

I wouldn't get into long drawn out justifications or explanations. You are probably getting to know her at the worst possible time, things may well get a lot easier as time goes on.

You and I are on the same hymn sheet; that's what I've done. I've said that I understand, and it's a strange, tough time, especially with Christmas coming up, and everything still being so raw. I've said that I'd love to meet up at some point, but there's no rush, and whenever she's ready. The e-mail feels a bit brief, but I don't think there's anything to be gained by adding anything else.

red_devil

id just let it go now.


IF someone asks you to take time off work and pretend your sick and then cant handle it when you say no not sure your missing out on anything.


Any normal person would have understood and rescheduled.

Mojisola

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

you understand if she wants to hold off on meeting but that you're happy to whenever she is.

I'd phrase this differently - 'at a time that suits us both' or some such phrase - the whole thing has blown up because JayJay couldn't go at the time her sister wanted to meet up.

Red-Squirrel_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I'd phrase this differently - 'at a time that suits us both' or some such phrase - the whole thing has blown up because JayJay couldn't go at the time her sister wanted to meet up.

Of course yes, good pick up! I was thinking of 'whenever she's ready' rather than 'whenever she dictates' but could definitely be read the wrong way.

hollydays

It might be a bad time etc but do not get drawn into this persons destructive web

badmemory

It sounds to me as if you are all not just grieving but also suffering from shock, which is bound to be a difficult combination. I hope you will all (as in not just you) be able to give each other the time to adjust to what must be a very stressful situation.

JayJay100

Today she has returned to the light-hearted chat, and wished me a lovely weekend. Hopefully, that's the first blip over and done with.

Mr_Pither

Sounds like a wind-up merchant, to be honest.
Have you ever spoken to this person on the phone. Do you know for sure that she is who she says she is?

JayJay100

Mr_Pither wrote: »

Sounds like a wind-up merchant, to be honest.
Have you ever spoken to this person on the phone. Do you know for sure that she is who she says she is?

Yes, for various reasons, I'm 100% sure she is my half-sister.

moneyistooshorttomention

JayJay100 wrote: »

Well, a somewhat frosty e-mail landed this morning, outlining how disappointed she is that I couldn't make afternoon tea yesterday, and saying that she's finding things very difficult. In one paragraph, she's saying that she doesn't feel that I'm committed to making this work, and I'm not making sufficient effort. In the next paragraph, she feels that I'm putting her under pressure, and she doesn't like it. I've reread all of our e-mails, in case I've missed something or there's something that could be misconstrued, and there isn't. Most of the conversation has been driven by her, and I've either shown an interest or answered her questions; I've only asked two direct questions, and they were on minor things.

I've got a feeling that I'm in a no-win situation with this.

My calculations come to:
- 3 criticisms of you
- no counterbalancing praise of you or "admission of liability" on her part.

Those scales don't seem to balance to me.:cool:

People can be in a "mood that's worse than THEIR normal one/do a bit of kicking the cat" occasionally. So I see maybe giving her some leeway in case she's being "less fair than normal" at the moment. But you still need to be very clear with her about what is fair to you as well.