New found sister problem

JayJay100

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

My calculations come to:
- 3 criticisms of you
- no counterbalancing praise of you or "admission of liability" on her part.

Those scales don't seem to balance to me.:cool:

People can be in a "mood that's worse than THEIR normal one/do a bit of kicking the cat" occasionally. So I see maybe giving her some leeway in case she's being "less fair than normal" at the moment. But you still need to be very clear with her about what is fair to you as well.

I'm prepared to cut her some slack; she's grieving for her mum, and she must be asking herself if she knew her mum at all: she had no idea that her mum had been previously married, or that she'd had a child. They're pretty big secrets to keep. I know that on one level I'm furious with my dad and my (step) mum for not saying anything to me, even though the rational part of me understands why they did it, and if I'm brutally honest, I may well have made the same choices in their shoes. Life. Bloody complicated at times.

Tabbytabitha

JayJay100 wrote: »

Today she has returned to the light-hearted chat, and wished me a lovely weekend. Hopefully, that's the first blip over and done with.

Over and done with, maybe. Not forgotten if you've any sense.

Kim_13

I hope that things work themselves out for you OP. It does seem strange that she would disapprove of her full sister's actions, only to go on to be unfair to you herself.

JayJay100

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Over and done with, maybe. Not forgotten if you've any sense.

Oh, no; not forgotten and won't be. I still like what I've seen so far, with the exception of this, so it's a proceed with caution situation.

Kim_13 wrote: »

I hope that things work themselves out for you OP. It does seem strange that she would disapprove of her full sister's actions, only to go on to be unfair to you herself.

There's a huge difference between their behaviour; I view this episode as almost a temper tantrum, based on unrealistic expectations. The other sister was vile from the very first communication.

warby68

It may be that things are suffering because of the form of communication.

The written word can be difficult to interpret or have too much written into it when you can't see the warmth, humour, sincerity or mood on the face behind it.

You are being ultra cautious in what you say - that could easily come across as being cool or not very interested. If she is a person who asks 20 questions and you can only seem to think of 2 for example. Especially if she borders on the 'high maintenance' side.

I don't think you're wrong at all by the way, just that its difficult and things might be easier when you eventually get a little time face to face.

Her behaviour over the tea was poor though - a bit childish actually. But I also think you said she'd never worked so the idea of not being able to come and go as you please might be alien to her. It shouldn't be as an adult, but her perspective won't be the best at the moment where she is desperate for things that make her feel better about who she is and her place in the scheme of things.

Cautious but still open sounds just right to me.

JayJay100

warby68 wrote: »

It may be that things are suffering because of the form of communication.

The written word can be difficult to interpret or have too much written into it when you can't see the warmth, humour, sincerity or mood on the face behind it.

You are being ultra cautious in what you say - that could easily come across as being cool or not very interested. If she is a person who asks 20 questions and you can only seem to think of 2 for example. Especially if she borders on the 'high maintenance' side.

I don't think you're wrong at all by the way, just that its difficult and things might be easier when you eventually get a little time face to face.

Her behaviour over the tea was poor though - a bit childish actually. But I also think you said she'd never worked so the idea of not being able to come and go as you please might be alien to her. It shouldn't be as an adult, but her perspective won't be the best at the moment where she is desperate for things that make her feel better about who she is and her place in the scheme of things.

Cautious but still open sounds just right to me.

You're right about the method of communication; it's always difficult in the written form, especially when you're unable to read them in the person's voice. I've been careful in the way I've worded things, but I've made good use of emojis too, to help to convey tone.

I don't think I've come across as cool or not interested; where she has asked questions, I've given full answers, and I've always expanded on what she's said, too. I have asked questions where they're relevant, but admittedly nothing too personal.

I get the feeling that her life has been quite privileged in many ways, and still is: maybe there is a bit of spoilt brat going on. Time will tell!

warby68

Your last line is what I picked up on too but erred on the side of tactful...lol. Pampered princess was my thought

badmemory

I guess all you can do is give her the chance to come forward as a not-spoiled brat, but just as a sister. This must be so difficult for both of you, not just you, not just her, but both of you, so much to come to terms with. If either of you try to go too fast you may scupper the whole thing. Hopefully you will both deal with this with patience and then you will both gain a sister.

JayJay100

badmemory wrote: »

I guess all you can do is give her the chance to come forward as a not-spoiled brat, but just as a sister. This must be so difficult for both of you, not just you, not just her, but both of you, so much to come to terms with. If either of you try to go too fast you may scupper the whole thing. Hopefully you will both deal with this with patience and then you will both gain a sister.

I think I'm in a much better position, as I still have the person I thought of as my mum, and if I gain a sister, that's a bonus: if I don't gain a sister, that's not so much of a loss, as I've never known what it's like to have a sister. For my sister, she's grieving for the mum she thought she knew, trying to forge a friendship/sister relationship with me, and trying to keep her other sister happy: tightrope walking, anyone?

warby68 wrote: »

Your last line is what I picked up on too but erred on the side of tactful...lol. Pampered princess was my thought

I think you're spot on with the pampered princess, but I do appreciate the tact. In a funny way, I understand it; perhaps it's a situation where if you lost one child one, you'd go over the top with any others.

Sarastro

I suspect your sister has had her share of difficulties and is now seeking to comfort and protect herself by controlling those around her. One way of doing this is making others feel guilty for anything you can get them to feel guilty for. It's the start of a classic co-dependency. This is hall-marked by one person in the relationship playing the victim; which is what she's doing. I suspect she's just trying to make you feel guilt....again for things you haven't done. The random nature is a result of the fact that she's fishing to find hooks that you will react to.

She's not going to change her behaviour any time soon. I guess you want to be in contact with her; so I'd keep your distance. Do apologise for not being able to make it but stick to your values and don't comment on the 'pain' you've apparently caused. e.g. I'm sorry I couldn't make afternoon tea; I don't like to pull sickies and it wasn't enough notice for holiday.

You're not necessarily in a no-win situation. but, If you are going to have a relationship with her, you will need to be really assertive and clear about the boundaries. And be really careful not to get hooked by saying things like, "I am committed", or "I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult". You are not responsible for her happiness.