New found sister problem

Tabbytabitha

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

No it won't but it may give some idea if she has been left a lump sum, or whether she is the sole residuary legatee.

I thought she'd posted earlier that the latter was the case, hence her worry.

System

JayJay100 wrote: »

I've recently found out that I have two half sisters; one doesn't want to know, which is fine, but the other has been keeping in regular contact, by e-mail. We've been getting on well, exchanging a lot of information, and seemed to be similar in nature, with the same sense of humour and what have you. We agreed that we'd both like to meet up, although possibly on the quiet, as she doesn't want to rock the boat with her full sister; I understand that, and I don't have a problem with it.

She e-mailed on Monday to say that she'd booked us in for afternoon tea, and she's chosen a really nice place. The problem is that she's booked for a time where I'm actually working. I e-mailed back to say that I loved the idea and the venue, but could we change the day, as I'm in work that day. I expected her to say 'no problem', but instead she asked if I could get the time off. I explained that it's not possible, as we have to book in advance and arrange cover. She suggested I pulled a sickie. Again, I said it's not possible, as I'm a manager, the venue is very close to where I work, and I will be dealing with a disciplinary for someone doing that exact thing. Her reply was 'Not that important, then.'

I e-mailed straight back saying that it was very important, and could we either meet in the evening of the same day, or any day the following week, as long as she can give me some notice to get the time off: she hasn't replied. Usually, she replies within a couple of hours.

I'm left feeling as though I've done something wrong, even though I know I haven't. I want to sort this out, but I have no idea where to start. Anyone any ideas?

Someone you've never met before is expecting you to take time off work for afternoon tea, then asking you to lie to your employer and risk your job?

And is managing to make YOU feel guilty for saying no?

I would steer well clear, personally.

JayJay100

bagpussbear wrote: »

Sorry to hear this has happened JayJay. It was very unreasonable of her to book something without even checking.

Perhaps it's just how she is, and a difficult personality to get along with.

I think you have made perfectly good suggestions and compromise, and I hope it works out for you. Nothing you can do if she doesn't respond.

It's possible that she is just that way; after all, I don't really know her. She seemed fairly laid back in her e-mails, so this is a bit of surprise. Time will tell.

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I think she is being manipulative. Some people want you to 'prove' yourself in some way, like putting yourself out to please them, otherwise they decide you don't care.

Just re-iterate that you DO want to meet and maybe give a few dates and times when you can make it. If she doesn't respond to any of these, wait until the time has passed for those dates and then send here an email saying you're sorry she couldn't make any of those dates, and that you would still like to meet her (if you would!),. Then leave the ball in her court.

She may have decided that you are not 'worthy' because you wouldn't compromise your job. Some people are like that, unfortunately.

I hope however that it all goes well for the future xx

Yes, she could be manipulative, and I have had experience of that from a former best friend: infuriating, at best. It will be interesting to find out.

JayJay100

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

I'd be tempted to be just completely open, and say "I'm sorry, I must be missing something here because I don't understand why its so crucial that it has to be that exact date and time."

No point dancing around the issue.

That's pretty much exactly what my next e-mail is going to be! Just a question of when to send it.

JayJay100

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Have you been left some money in a will that involves this branch of the family? If you are indeed the 'residuary legatee' then you should be shown a copy of the will. You can pay to have a copy from the Probate Office if someone is being awkward, or even if they are not (assuming probate has been granted). That's what I did when I was a residuary legatee of an estate. (I was also later sent a copy by the solicitor). Then you can see what the will actually says.

https://www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

Yes: for all my life I thought my natural mother was dead, until I received a letter saying that she had died and I was included in her will, together with two half sisters that I knew nothing about. There is a problem with the will, which the elder sister thought I had instigated, and was really nasty over; it was that which prompted the younger sister contact me, as she thought it was unnecessary and unfair.

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Could be manipulative/could be just thoughtless.

I'd go with the idea of giving her a list of other suggested dates. Something along the lines of "I'm not free on x dates" - but "I will be free on y dates".

I admit to surprise at someone just booking something unilaterally. Even though I'm now in a situation where I'm retired and most other people are too - I'll still do things that way and say "I've got regular things on the following days of the week - but can often manage such-and-such days. So which one of them suits you?"

Your "regular things" is that Monday to Friday (presumably) you have to be at a job. Even if you've not mentioned the current problems there (which I presume you have?) then she should have already thought "Sis has a job - better not make teatime suggestions for those days. Perhaps I might ask if she could take a long lunchbreak and meet for light lunch one of those days".

The "fixed appointment already made" might be thoughtlessness on her part. It might, on the other hand, be that you are both going to have some sort of joint involvement re what is left in mothers will and she is trying to see whether you will be a possible push-over at the outset by deliberately making a fixed arrangement (rather than a "mutual - what is convenient for both of us?" arrangement) in order to see whether you go along with that. If you are "pushed over" on going with a social appointment only on her terms - then it's a good sign for her that you will be a push-over in other respects. That's my "voice of experience" time there - as someone did that to me and I went along in all innocence/trying to look friendly/etc - and realised I was being checked-over to see if I'd go along with being told what to do re something the other person had already decided on - I wasnt LOL....

Yes, she knows that I work, and although there is a degree of flexibility, she doesn't know that part. I was surprised that she just went ahead and booked something, without checking if I could make it. There's an element there that she and her sister could be playing good cop, bad cop too. Time will tell. I'm pretty easy-going, but once the limit is reached, it's a different story.

mattpaint

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I would also suggest that you move very carefully forward with this relationship as her suggestion to pull a sickie suggests somewhat 'flexible' moral values. Not saying don't get to know her, I just mean, be a little careful with how you proceed where issues of trust come up.

You would be hard pushed to find anyone who doesn't have flexible moral values.

karcher

JayJay100 wrote: »

Yes: for all my life I thought my natural mother was dead, until I received a letter saying that she had died and I was included in her will, together with two half sisters that I knew nothing about. There is a problem with the will, which the elder sister thought I had instigated, and was really nasty over; it was that which prompted the younger sister contact me, as she thought it was unnecessary and unfair.



Yes, she knows that I work, and although there is a degree of flexibility, she doesn't know that part. I was surprised that she just went ahead and booked something, without checking if I could make it. There's an element there that she and her sister could be playing good cop, bad cop too. Time will tell. I'm pretty easy-going, but once the limit is reached, it's a different story.

From what you have said this may well be the case.

Sorry for you OP, not what you need when you've just discovered your natural mother hasn't been dead for years and you have two half sisters who may or may not be keen for you not to inherit what your Mother left you.

An emotional roller coaster I imagine.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

Sarastro

JayJay100 wrote: »

I'm left feeling as though I've done something wrong, even though I know I haven't. I want to sort this out, but I have no idea where to start. Anyone any ideas?

You haven't done anything wrong. But in her eyes, you have. You've not prioritised her and told a lie in order to meet. So now she is 'punishing' you by dropping contact, which she knows is important. I'm afraid there are some behaviours in your new sibling that you need to be careful of. You feel like you have done something wrong because you are being punished, and if we are being punished then we must have done something wrong...right? But, your adult logical self is looking at it rationally and saying, hey, all I did was the right thing...I didn't pull a sickie and I was honest...now i'm confused. That's because the two observations don't match up...but the mistake is the assumption that the punishment was in some was deserved (we would all do that, you're not special, don't worry) it wasn't.

I suggest you keep the door open and give it some time. She's got the message that you are not going to play games. Keep your values and boundaries clear and honest, as you have done. She has to take you as you are.

JayJay100

Well, a somewhat frosty e-mail landed this morning, outlining how disappointed she is that I couldn't make afternoon tea yesterday, and saying that she's finding things very difficult. In one paragraph, she's saying that she doesn't feel that I'm committed to making this work, and I'm not making sufficient effort. In the next paragraph, she feels that I'm putting her under pressure, and she doesn't like it. I've reread all of our e-mails, in case I've missed something or there's something that could be misconstrued, and there isn't. Most of the conversation has been driven by her, and I've either shown an interest or answered her questions; I've only asked two direct questions, and they were on minor things.

I've got a feeling that I'm in a no-win situation with this.

Red-Squirrel_2

JayJay100 wrote: »

Well, a somewhat frosty e-mail landed this morning, outlining how disappointed she is that I couldn't make afternoon tea yesterday, and saying that she's finding things very difficult. In one paragraph, she's saying that she doesn't feel that I'm committed to making this work, and I'm not making sufficient effort. In the next paragraph, she feels that I'm putting her under pressure, and she doesn't like it. I've reread all of our e-mails, in case I've missed something or there's something that could be misconstrued, and there isn't. Most of the conversation has been driven by her, and I've either shown an interest or answered her questions; I've only asked two direct questions, and they were on minor things.

I've got a feeling that I'm in a no-win situation with this.

It sounds like she's in a lot of turmoil, none of which is your fault but is actually understandable. She's lost her mum, she's found out about you, and the relationship with her full sister is going through a tough time too.

I'm not really sure what I'd do here. Probably a brief email that I'm sorry she's going through such a tough time, that its hard on everybody at the moment and that you understand if she wants to hold off on meeting but that you're happy to whenever she is.

I wouldn't get into long drawn out justifications or explanations. You are probably getting to know her at the worst possible time, things may well get a lot easier as time goes on.