New found sister problem

JayJay100

I've recently found out that I have two half sisters; one doesn't want to know, which is fine, but the other has been keeping in regular contact, by e-mail. We've been getting on well, exchanging a lot of information, and seemed to be similar in nature, with the same sense of humour and what have you. We agreed that we'd both like to meet up, although possibly on the quiet, as she doesn't want to rock the boat with her full sister; I understand that, and I don't have a problem with it.

She e-mailed on Monday to say that she'd booked us in for afternoon tea, and she's chosen a really nice place. The problem is that she's booked for a time where I'm actually working. I e-mailed back to say that I loved the idea and the venue, but could we change the day, as I'm in work that day. I expected her to say 'no problem', but instead she asked if I could get the time off. I explained that it's not possible, as we have to book in advance and arrange cover. She suggested I pulled a sickie. Again, I said it's not possible, as I'm a manager, the venue is very close to where I work, and I will be dealing with a disciplinary for someone doing that exact thing. Her reply was 'Not that important, then.'

I e-mailed straight back saying that it was very important, and could we either meet in the evening of the same day, or any day the following week, as long as she can give me some notice to get the time off: she hasn't replied. Usually, she replies within a couple of hours.

I'm left feeling as though I've done something wrong, even though I know I haven't. I want to sort this out, but I have no idea where to start. Anyone any ideas?

Out,_Vile_Jelly

That's a real shame she's being so unreasonable. Some people genuinely have no idea how hard it can be to arrange cover in certain jobs. I would never ask anyone to pull a sickie for a cup of tea.

I would email again stating that in your line of work it is just not feasible to take time off like this, but all you need is reasonable notice. Suggest several dates, and reiterate that you love her choice of venue and are very keen to meet up.

JayJay100

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

That's a real shame she's being so unreasonable. Some people genuinely have no idea how hard it can be to arrange cover in certain jobs. I would never ask anyone to pull a sickie for a cup of tea.

I would email again stating that in your line of work it is just not feasible to take time off like this, but all you need is reasonable notice. Suggest several dates, and reiterate that you love her choice of venue and are very keen to meet up.

Thank you for the unreasonable comment; I felt that she was being unreasonable. but my judgement is a bit off at the moment, so it helps seeing it from someone else in black and white. Work is tough, as we're going through reorganisation and redundancy, with no real idea of where the axe is going to fall. I can't afford to take any chances. Like you, I'd never ask anyone to pull a sickie, even if it did involve cake!

That's what my original e-mail said, but yes, it's worth trying again.

gonzo127

JayJay100 wrote: »

Thank you for the unreasonable comment; I felt that she was being unreasonable. but my judgement is a bit off at the moment, so it helps seeing it from someone else in black and white. Work is tough, as we're going through reorganisation and redundancy, with no real idea of where the axe is going to fall. I can't afford to take any chances. Like you, I'd never ask anyone to pull a sickie, even if it did involve cake!

That's what my original e-mail said, but yes, it's worth trying again.

depending on how 'petty' she is, it might give her some satisfaction, if you booked something yourself so she can 'cancel' on you.

if shes not petty she might appreciate that although you have said no to this time, you have gone out of your way to book something. so its not just that you dont want to meet her, but that you do but really couldnt make it that first time, but are willing to make the effort for another time

Hedgehog99

Her unexplained inflexibility makes me suspect she has a voucher for the tea room that expires the day she's booked, that the sister is away then and won't know or that she specifically doesn't want to be at home that day. Otherwise any reasonable person would have explained that that's the only day of the week they can manage & given a valid reason.

Maybe leave it for a bit, let Christmas and all its busy family and work commitments pass and see if she contacts you in the New Year?

Brighton_belle

I would also suggest that you move very carefully forward with this relationship as her suggestion to pull a sickie suggests somewhat 'flexible' moral values. Not saying don't get to know her, I just mean, be a little careful with how you proceed where issues of trust come up.

Nicki

New relationships like this are complicated (speaking as an adoptee who is slowly getting to know birth family who often want to move more quickly than I'm comfortable with) and I think from your earlier thread that your half sister is very recently bereaved?

I agree she's behaving unreasonably but I wouldn't immediately leap to judging her whole character from one incident of poor judgment and letting that cause mistrust going forward. I agree with the poster who suggested you offer an alternative date again and just try to keep the dialogue going with her.

cheeky-peach

I find it shocking that someone would go ahead and book something for a particular day / time without ensuring that all attendees could make it. I've not known of a plan to be made without firming the date and time before deciding the what to do. I also give another vote for unreasonable.


I would just reiterate that you have an existing commitment but you're still keen to meet up. See if she is willing to discuss dates and times first providing she gets back to you which I hope she does.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Some people are just a bit thick about the realities of other people's job situation. The type of people who book weddings on a Friday because it's cheaper, then are surprised and offended when guests who are teachers can't attend. Don't read too much into it; she just might not know anyone with a different type of job to her own.

Lolu

That’s sad that she reacted like that, but appreciate that you don’t fully know each other and sometimes people take the ‘family first’ thing too far. You may have lots on common, but things like sensitivity can’t be gauged until you’re in a situation. It is questionable and does raise an eyebrow as to why she booked it without checking availability- this isn’t standard practice. Her reaction to your reasonable response raises the other eyebrow. Take it easy with this relationship don’t invest too much too soon, but understand the natural desire to catch up and bond. As another poster suggested maybe take the lead in booking somewhere else, but maintain the momentum in the situation, don’t let time pass. Good luck

JayJay100

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I would also suggest that you move very carefully forward with this relationship as her suggestion to pull a sickie suggests somewhat 'flexible' moral values. Not saying don't get to know her, I just mean, be a little careful with how you proceed where issues of trust come up.

I will be careful. Given the way our conversations have gone, the sickie comment surprised me, but I know that plenty don't consider pulling a sickie as a problem, and some factor it into their working year. Each to their own, but I wouldn't ask someone to do that for me.

gonzo127 wrote: »

depending on how 'petty' she is, it might give her some satisfaction, if you booked something yourself so she can 'cancel' on you.

if shes not petty she might appreciate that although you have said no to this time, you have gone out of your way to book something. so its not just that you dont want to meet her, but that you do but really couldnt make it that first time, but are willing to make the effort for another time

It did cross my mind to just book somewhere else, but then I thought that she may take it as a criticism of her original choice. I'm really not going to cope well if it's a case of being 'petty'; the words 'do one' spring to mind on that.

Hedgehog99 wrote: »

Her unexplained inflexibility makes me suspect she has a voucher for the tea room that expires the day she's booked, that the sister is away then and won't know or that she specifically doesn't want to be at home that day. Otherwise any reasonable person would have explained that that's the only day of the week they can manage & given a valid reason.

Maybe leave it for a bit, let Christmas and all its busy family and work commitments pass and see if she contacts you in the New Year?

The voucher thing is a possibility, as is wanting to be out of the house; I'm not so sure about the sister being away, as she wouldn't know me from Adam.

The OH suggested leaving it until after Christmas, but if I do that, I'm worried that could reinforce the feeling that it's not important to me, when it is.