Hopefully you can help resolve this argument one way or another!

Elinore

Firstly a little introduction – we normally are two happy like minded adults who tend to have a loving and agreeable relationship, we have been together since we were 17. So this type of discord is very out of the ordinary however we are both stressed currently the Mr. has a sister undergoing cancer treatment and I have some major work and life issues.

The issue- Our money situation. Last year we finally bought a house after years and years of saving. Immediately a few things went wrong with the house, our cars and the Dog, as these things tend to do (ps the dog is all good now) these costs killed our remaining savings dead. We also have some changes that significantly increased our outgoings, we are also over paying to get a better mortgage rate when we renew as we have a rubbish FTB/low LTV deal.

We are used to cutting our cloth so we have done so, me on the understanding that the house (think a London style town house with a basement flat – it not quite as its doesn’t have its own front door but its close enough for illustration purposes) the ground floor would be let to a lodger – which was one of the reasons we bought this property. The Mr. has been putting this off for months and months and then last month stated that he had changed his mind and didn’t want a lodger.

Cue shock.

He very adamant.

I am angry and frustrated.

The ‘flat’ (£600 PCM) could free up some significant pennies to replenish the savings and also we have been living on the edge for ages I am running out, wearing out or not having - everything from work clothes to haircuts. I genuinely feel a mess and get moaned at if I spend a few quid of foundation or hairspray!

And here is started the argument – I got third job

Evening job is being paid into my account alone and the Mr. has gone bonkers. He pays his OT (his second job) and oncall, bonuses and awards into the joint and I have taken another job and am keeping the money all for myself.

My argument is get a lodger and I won’t have to have THREE JOBS to pay the effing bills and not feel like I am not robbing our account to get my flipping haircut, buy shoes because my old ones are falling apart and so on.....

His argument is that we are doing fine all the bills are being met and as we are in our own home for the first time he is enjoying it just being us (subtext – he likes this routine is not a people person and doesn’t want the hassle even though I will run the whole thing) never mind it was one of the main reasons for buying this style of house!

Mine is, bully for you your second job is doing a few extra hours home working for your employer – I work my day job, go off and do a evening job and a small weekend cleaning role so I am doing more effing hours than a junior doctor (no offense to Dr's I know your job is harder)

So the current state of play after a major major row last night..

He thinks I am being Me,Me,Me and hording money – unfair as every penny of his money is contributed

I think he’s being unreasonable, reduced the household in effect by £600 so this is my money.

jackieblack

Sorry, but I agree with your husband.
Maybe the solution would be to have your extra income paid into your joint account and for you each to have an amount transferred each week/month into your sole accounts which you can spend on whatever you like without feeling guilty.

RedFraggle

This seems to be about 3 things:

Your understanding was that there would be a lodger and he has now realised he doesn't want that. You need to talk about why.

He feels annoyed you are paying a wage into your own account when other wages go into your joint. Why is it set up like that? Are you contributing equally?

You resent the hours you are having to work. That also needs discussing as it will just build.

There's no black and white. You should sit down and talk.

Elinore

Mr. Is on a higher salary than me. However with my second job this brings me up to the same. So we both contribute 50/50 to all household costs, bills and Overpayments

He takes very little from the joint account and now that money is tight feels the need to quiz me on every expenditure. Suddenly as he doesn't want a lodger so every penny counts he seems to think I am a frivolous overspender... hair spray!? Heavens above

Hence the row re a hair cut (feels I could have gone without - just grow your hair) same with everything, it can wait or we will get it when it's cheaper.

When we both got second jobs this was supposed to be a 'slush n fun fund' but just got sucked into the household bills outgoings.

We are having trouble talking about this at the moment without it becoming an argument. He thinks I am hording I think he's being unreasonable.

Pollycat

Elinor
I really feel for you.
I remember one of your threads from way back.

If everybody on here tells you that you are being unreasonable, what will you do?
Take advice and share the money?
Or keep it anyway?

If the majority of posters agree with you, are you going to print the thread out & flourish it under his nose?

What are his reasons for not wanting a lodger?
Is the flat self-contained with its own entrance?

Do you think that having 5 jobs between you and over-paying the mortgage is taking the 'fun' element out of your lives?

pollypenny

A difficult one. I feel for you both, working so hard. However, I understand his view, as I was paranoid when we moved here, a place needing loads of work, then OH had promotion but lost shift allowance.

I was sleeping badly, doing sums all night.

Why not suggest a lodger for a limited period, like a year? Or as Jackie says, discuss 'pocket money'.

PasturesNew

You're both right. That's the problem. You are both right.
YOU are a bit wrong though as you changed the rules (money into your account) ... but it sounds like you did this in a panic of feeling you've got no money and will go broke.

It sounds to me like you had a plan - and he's worked out that if you scrimp and question every penny you don't need your space invading by a stranger.

You, on the other hand, appear to want the extra money, so you've got the money to spend on "things most people would see as normal" (e.g. a haircut).

You could agree to close your new bank account and have your wages paid into the joint account .... then draw up the budget for income/expenditure and both agree/disagree on how much that should all cost, then give yourselves each "pocket money" - money that is "yours" and "his" solely, so you buy your haircuts from your pocket money.

Having moved in together he likes it as it is and can change his lifestyle to pay for that; you want the lodger money so you don't have to worry about scrimping.

Maybe he'll come round to your way of thinking in 1-2 years' time when things have settled down and his family problems have gone away and he has time to "think".

WibblyGirly

I agree with you Elinore. If your first 2 jobs are equal to his and go in to the joint account paying 505/50 then the 3rd job money is yours alone. If it goes into the joint account where he then complains about you getting a haircut, shoes for work etc again then whats the point in the 3rd job at all? If I wasn't getting to keep that bit of extra for myself then I'd just quit the job before putting it in the joint account if I wasn't getting the benefit from it.
I also think he's wrong for now refusing a lodger when you bought the house for this purpose. If you'd known beforehand could you have purchased a cheaper house?

hollydays

For a lot of people, paying your wages into your own account could be the beginning of the end. It’s something it might be hard for him to get out of his mind. It could be signal that youre not in this together for him.

Elinore

In regards to what this thread will achieve – sometimes when you are passionate about something you get so entrenched it’s hard to see the other side. Asking opinion can open you mind to other views or opinions. That’s why people like to discuss problems. It airs the issues with a different perspective.

Not meaning to drip feed but one of the posters mentioning the beginning of the end as I have suddenly started to squirrel money away i have had second jobs before and this money always came to me alone – this being said I always paid my share of 50/50 bills and anything we did as a couple came out of the joint account. This is because at the time I had a number of clubs, events and interests that cost pennies – whereas Mr. very rarely spends any money. So it felt a bit unfair. As such I worked an extra job to fund my extra outgoings so everything was even.

Admittedly and to be entirely fair - this was when money was less tight and we had surplus to go to savings.

borkid

How about you give him half of your 3rd job take home pay? Still keep your separate account for your basics ( what he thinks of as treats). Does he never have his haircut or does he do it himself?

I'm lucky and never had this quandry as OH has always been very much 'I will pay for everything' the only time we both put money in a joint account was when we were first starting out but we agreed on what we would spend ( bills etc) and what would be saved after that the money was shared equally and the 'other' kept quiet about what each individuals money was spent on. Once we were more financially stable I had my own bank account where my pay went, now my pensions. However I did fund both our children going through uni and paid for holidays/ repairs to house etc and bought him expensive techno gadgets when I could see he wanted something.