Hopefully you can help resolve this argument one way or another!

hollydays

Elinore wrote: »

In regards to what this thread will achieve – sometimes when you are passionate about something you get so entrenched it’s hard to see the other side. Asking opinion can open you mind to other views or opinions. That’s why people like to discuss problems. It airs the issues with a different perspective.

Not meaning to drip feed but one of the posters mentioning the beginning of the end as I have suddenly started to squirrel money away i have had second jobs before and this money always came to me alone – this being said I always paid my share of 50/50 bills and anything we did as a couple came out of the joint account. This is because at the time I had a number of clubs, events and interests that cost pennies – whereas Mr. very rarely spends any money. So it felt a bit unfair. As such I worked an extra job to fund my extra outgoings so everything was even.

Admittedly and to be entirely fair - this was when money was less tight and we had surplus to go to savings.

I wasn’t inferring you were squirrelling money away, but wAs highlighting how it might make your oh feel .

suejb2

To me it's not relevant how many jobs you each have. As long as you both 'put in' the same amount each month any additional monies is for the earner.
Your two jobs matches his one then you choose to do a third, that money is yours, just as if he chooses a second that money is his.

Pollycat

suejb2 wrote: »

To me it's not relevant how many jobs you each have. As long as you both 'put in' the same amount each month any additional monies is for the earner.
Your two jobs matches his one then you choose to do a third, that money is yours, just as if he chooses a second that money is his.

He already has a second job.
From what I've read, this money goes into the joint account.

pmlindyloo

People arrange their finances in all different kinds of ways - joint accounts/joint and single accounts etc etc.

What seems to be different here is that you have moved the goal posts. Yes, you say you have put money from a second job into your own account before but admit that was when things were not so desperate financially.

Now things are tight your OH seems to be expecting that together you do everything you both can do to sort your finances and that means everything you both earn going into the 'pot'.

You see it as earning extra so you can have some 'treats' (at least in your OH's eyes)

My solution?

As always a matter of sitting down and working through this together. You need to feel that you can have your hair done/buy clothes etc but your OH thinks these things are unnecessary. It is a matter of compromise from both of you.

You are overpaying your mortgage? Is this a priority? Have a look at your expenditure and see if there is any way to cut back on anything - I'm thinking utilities/phones etc .

Having a lodger can be thrown into the mix (or do you mean a tenant? - you need to check as being a landlord might be very stressful)

There are lots of possible scenarios to your problems.

Tackle this together as a budgeting exercise - ie put it all down on paper. Factor in personal expenses for you both (doesn't he ever spend money on himself?) and then you will see exactly where you are and the possible solutions.

If you can see it all in black and white (Debtfree Wannabe forum has a good SOA that you can complete) then you can move forward together.

gettingtheresometime

So if your hubby doesn't want the hassle of a tenant on a fulltime basis would he consider the possibility of renting it out on a adhoc basis (using say airbnb?)


That would give both of you a taste if what it would be like - he may find it's not that bad or alternatively you may find it's too much of a potch to be worth while.


As it would be practically a self contained flat would your mortgage lender be prepared for you to rent it out?

(btw have a look at the housing board and read the guides on being a landlord - you may change your mind!)


You say you're over paying the mortgage but what about the savings - are those being built back up? Wouldn't it make sense to put the overpayments (assuming you're on some sort of reduced rate) into a savings account? You can still use them to reduce your next mortgage borrowing but in the meantime if the carp hit the fan then what would you do?


My solution would be to pool all money but have an agreed amount that is just yours and if you want to blow it on whatever then the other person doesn't get to complain.

Elinore

Yes, he has a second job (a few extra house home working) - this equals my two together as he earns more per hour.


So we both pay the same amount into the joint account.

Elinore

'What seems to be different here is that you have moved the goal posts. Yes, you say you have put money from a second job into your own account before but admit that was when things were not so desperate financially.

Now things are tight your OH seems to be expecting that together you do everything you both can do to sort your finances and that means everything you both earn going into the 'pot'.'


and this is the bone of contention.


I didn't move the goal posts - he did.


The plan was always to reduce our financial burden by having a lodger (lodger not a tenant- I have researched extensively, I promise )


By changing this we are worse off overall and now expecting me to go without a effing haircut so we don't have to do something he's now changed his mind about while he makes no changes or concessions feels very unfair.


(and this feeling of unfairness leads to this entrenched argument I mentioned previously - so thank you to everyone that has posted it helps me think my way though something that is making me feel very emotional and when I am emotional I tend to do that horrible thing where you cry because you are wound up and upset so m don't really get a cogent argument across lol)

grumpycat216

WibblyGirly wrote: »

I agree with you Elinore. If your first 2 jobs are equal to his and go in to the joint account paying 505/50 then the 3rd job money is yours alone. If it goes into the joint account where he then complains about you getting a haircut, shoes for work etc again then whats the point in the 3rd job at all? If I wasn't getting to keep that bit of extra for myself then I'd just quit the job before putting it in the joint account if I wasn't getting the benefit from it.
I also think he's wrong for now refusing a lodger when you bought the house for this purpose. If you'd known beforehand could you have purchased a cheaper house?

i also agree with this

mgdavid

sounds like he's one step away from being selfish and controlling... you deserve better.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

5 jobs between 2 of you. I would be re-evaluating everything altogether. What’s the point of all of it if you’re working all day 7 days a week. Cut back on your costs, downsize your house. Do you have kids? Sounds like a nightmare.

Anyway, in answer to the original question: sometimes it is easier to back down just to have a quiet life.