Non-funeral funeral

peachyprice

pollypenny wrote: »

Our children are adults now!

It's the thought of the slow rotting process which we find revolting.

DS is an EHO and in his early days he would be the one landed with attending exhumations. There is a surprising number of them.

See I don't see it like that, I see being buried as giving myself back to the earth, all that goodness enriching the soil for nature to do it's thing. No lead lined coffin for me, no siree, get the whole process going asap.

I also struggle with the final resting place of a cremation. The crematorium is where they ceased being a person, but often ashes are taken miles away, to be the final resting place is the crem, but often there is no recognition there, nowhere to go to pay respects.

As for the exhumations, presumably some were because the deaths were suspicious and some may have eventually led to arrests, if those bodies had been cremated those cases would never have been solved.

badmemory

Surely the easiest answer to making sure your funeral wishes are carried out is to actually arrange them yourself. If you state your wishes in your will who is to know that someone will get round to finding it before it is too late? I've sorted mine & if people are offended by my decisions then that is their problem, I'll be dead and won't care. Seriously, close family know my wishes so there is nobody to be offended.

But if you have any concerns that your wishes will not be carried out then the only answer is to DIY & not leave it to others.

eddyinfreehold

Two stories about non-funeral funerals.

Firstly my father had always told us he didn't want any kind of funeral, just cremate me and scatter the ashes where you choose. So we did. I wasn't at the crem when he was brought in but my brother and sister were and the whole process took 5 minutes of necessary procedure. About 3 months later we had a celebration of his life in the village hall where he grew up and latterly died, inviting anyone who wanted to come. Loads of food, tea coffee and stronger and loads of talking. Packed hall. One speech and lots of laughing and happy memories. I know he would have enjoyed being there himself if he wasn't the subject. Interestingly when I had to ring round and inform people of the death, quite a few apologised and said they wouldn't be at the funeral because they didn't ever go to them, found them too depressing. They all rocked up at the memorial though and had a whale of a time poring over various memories and photos going back to the 1920s.

Second story was of a spinster schoolteacher in the same village who had at one time or another taught the whole population locally. She was big in the chapel, a non-conformist set up. She had no close relatives but her solicitor announced the death and advertised her funeral at 2pm in the chapel. The whole village, suited and booted turned up at the appointed hour as they had high regard for her only to find the solicitor and the minister locking up the chapel and departing 5 minutes after the hearse had departed for the Crem 35 miles away. Her express wishes were for her funeral to take place 1 hour before the advertised time. I've always admired that depth of non-conformism.

sheramber

My FIL wanted his body donated to medical science and notified his doctor of this.

My MIL told him as she would be making the arrangements after he died it would be her decision and she would not do it.

She dies 5 years before him and he got his wish.

sheramber

My FIL wanted his body donated to medical science and notified his doctor of this.

My MIL told him as she would be making the arrangements after he died it would be her decision and she would not do it.

She died 5 years before him and he got his wish.

sheramber

peachyprice wrote: »

See I don't see it like that, I see being buried as giving myself back to the earth, all that goodness enriching the soil for nature to do it's thing. No lead lined coffin for me, no siree, get the whole process going asap.

I also struggle with the final resting place of a cremation. The crematorium is where they ceased being a person, but often ashes are taken miles away, to be the final resting place is the crem, but often there is no recognition there, nowhere to go to pay respects.

As for the exhumations, presumably some were because the deaths were suspicious and some may have eventually led to arrests, if those bodies had been cremated those cases would never have been solved.

My local crematorium has a Book of Remembrance where you can enter a memorial the same as you would have on a grave stone. You and go an view the entry the same as you would visit a grave,

You can have an entry on a wall of remembrance inside the vestibule.

You can have a memorial marker in the rose garden.

I have no desire to visit such memorials or a graveside. My memories are my remembrance.

But my sister does visit and goes and sits in the gardens beside the markers for my parents and her husband who was also cremated there.

esuhl

peachyprice wrote: »

It's not about the person wishes once they're dead, it's about those left behind.

OK, say you had a strong preference (not everybody does, some don't give a damn), say you wanted to be cremated, say all your nearest and dearest knew that was your wish, say your brother was arranging the funeral and took it upon himself to book a burial, how do you think that would make the rest of your family who knew that is not what you wanted feel?

Well, yes -- that's exactly my point: it's up to the living to decide what to do with the body.

The "issue" with this example, is not that the deceased was not cremated as he wished; it's that the living objected to his burial.

Yorkshireman99

esuhl wrote: »

Well, yes -- that's exactly my point: it's up to the living to decide what to do with the body.

The "issue" with this example, is not that the deceased was not cremated as he wished; it's that the living objected to his burial.

It is not up to the family. It is the executor’s responsibility to ensure that the deceased’s wishes are carried out. No ifs, buts or maybes.

esuhl

Yorkshireman99 wrote: »

It is not up to the family.

In that case, if the brother was the executor, it wouldn't matter that the body in the example above was buried against the (rest of the) family's wishes.

But peachyprice disagrees with you, suggesting that the feelings of the family are important. :-/

peachyprice wrote: »

It's not about the person wishes once they're dead, it's about those left behind.

Imagine if the deceased was a staunch atheist who wanted his ashes to be scattered in his back garden (for no particular reason), yet everyone else in his family was a member of a religious sect that believed that the body must be buried in order to be resurrected in Utopia. How would it make the family feel if they had to (in their mind) condemn the deceased to eternal damnation?

Is it more important to grant one wish to someone who no longer exists and to whom granting that wish will make no difference... or to grant many wishes to a whole family of the living, who will be far less traumatised if those wishes are granted...?

mum_of_joey

I was asking this very same thing on here yesterday, as I don't have the kind of relationships that every other well-meaning person who insists that the 'loved ones' would be upset so he 'ought to consider their feelings' seem to have. Nightofjoy sounds to me to be in a similar situation. My 'loved ones' do not exist (not sure that even my son would be that bothered as our relationship has had a lot of difficulties.. Nightofjoy talks about 'friends' but they may be like my 'friends' - ie friendly enough but not the sort of friends who would 'put themselves out'.

I wish I did have the sort of family relationships that you see on TV adverts - all gathered round a table, adoring each other, especially at Christmas. My Christmas consists of sitting watching TV with my cats surrounding me, which is fine for me. I just don't like company much.

If the friends and relatives don't honour his wishes by doing this one last thing for him (or rather, NOT do this one last thing for him) then that is rather selfish. If they want to sit at home and 'raise a glass' to him, then fair enough, but why make a huge show of it if it's not wanted?

Personally, I don't think that anyone (or at least, remarkably few) of the people that I know will be too bothered when I go and I would hate the humiliation of just a couple of people sitting in a crematorium chapel.

One suggestion, apart from the Direct Funerals route, which still costs a couple of thousand, is to bequeath your body to medical science. You have to be nearish to a centre and it all has to be done very quickly, and there are certain restrictions, but if they accept you, apart from the fact that you would be doing good for future medical students, and thus the community, you don't have to pay anything except for extra costs for collection from a longer distrancel (my local one will collect for free up to a 40 mile radius. Look online and there is plenty of info. They can do a small dignified ceremony with no guests there, but they can also NOT do anything of the kind, if you tell them in advance.

Hope you get sorted.