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can 'space' really help?
Comments
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It was the same for me; we had a wonderful relationship, and he meant everything to me. We were really strong together, and tackled our problems head on. I couldn't believe how lucky how I was. The change came out of the blue. Where our communication had always been a strength, overnight he shut down and wouldn't talk to me. I thought he must have had an affair, but he swore he hadn't. He asked for space: I gave it to him, but it cost me to do it.
Within a couple of weeks, we were back together, but it was different. I was a little resentful that he had shut me out. I didn't know why he had done it, and, according to him, neither did he. I needed answers, but I was scared of pushing him away, so it was glossed over. It was almost a relief when he said that he thought he was depressed, and was going to the doctors. He was prescribed antidepressants, which he hated taking, and a course of counselling. Midway through the counselling, there was another request for space, which I again gave to him. This was the start of a roller-coaster five years, where everything was dominated by his depression, his feelings of being numb, his feelings of guilt, his need for space, feelings of being inadequate (on both sides) and my determination to be there for him no matter what. I was convinced that we'd get through it together. It was incredibly hard. 90% was sheer hell, interspersed 10% of glorious normality. At the time, I thought it was worth it. Now, for various reasons, I know that it wasn't.
that does feel remarkably similar to where i am at the moment, thank you for sharing your experience.
just hope i wont be resentful about things as i am trying to take positives from this for myself, interspersed with silly wobbles in which i want to do something silly, like drive over to her house,
but seeing myself in the mirror this morning after the shower, and pretty happy with what i saw, with my progress on weight loss and slowly toning, which has not happened for a long time, still got a little way to go before i will say i am actually happy, but progress is certainly showing, it has also been nice to catch up properly with some of my friends.
although was not thinking it was such a good idea on Saturday morning after going out to town with a mate who i havent seen in about a year, best friend video called me and was in stitches when she saw me, her husband also had a chuckle at me as well, really was not well!Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
The wobbles are natural; it's a hellish situation to be in.
It's good to hear that you're making positive changes for yourself; I went the other way and fell apart, in a way. I threw myself into work, and made sure that I was always there, in case the phone rang and he needed me: it rarely did, but that wasn't the point. I stayed away from my friends, as they were incredibly critical of the situation, and I didn't want to hear it. Keep concentrating on your positive changes.
Hahahaha! That sounds like the residue of an excellent night!
I learned a few lessons along the way, the main one being that you can't 'fix' people; they have to do that for themselves. By all means, be there, but it has to be a situation that is sustainable for you, and there has to be some consideration for you too. Definitely put a time limit on it, and try to stick to it: I struggled with that, and kept extending it, big mistake - huge!
The hardest thing for me was realising that you just have to accept that no matter how much you want something to work, and no matter how good it looks on paper, sometimes it just doesn't work. He's still my Achilles heel, and I suspect that he always will be: I've grown quite proficient at arranging my face into an expression of polite interest, whilst my heart and tummy are doing an extended samba, and my brain is trying to work out if kidnapping is an option. The reality now is that what I have is completely different, but too good to throw away.0 -
The wobbles are natural; it's a hellish situation to be in.
It's good to hear that you're making positive changes for yourself; I went the other way and fell apart, in a way. I threw myself into work, and made sure that I was always there, in case the phone rang and he needed me: it rarely did, but that wasn't the point. I stayed away from my friends, as they were incredibly critical of the situation, and I didn't want to hear it. Keep concentrating on your positive changes.
Hahahaha! That sounds like the residue of an excellent night!
I learned a few lessons along the way, the main one being that you can't 'fix' people; they have to do that for themselves. By all means, be there, but it has to be a situation that is sustainable for you, and there has to be some consideration for you too. Definitely put a time limit on it, and try to stick to it: I struggled with that, and kept extending it, big mistake - huge!
The hardest thing for me was realising that you just have to accept that no matter how much you want something to work, and no matter how good it looks on paper, sometimes it just doesn't work. He's still my Achilles heel, and I suspect that he always will be: I've grown quite proficient at arranging my face into an expression of polite interest, whilst my heart and tummy are doing an extended samba, and my brain is trying to work out if kidnapping is an option. The reality now is that what I have is completely different, but too good to throw away.
oh i fell apart, that first night i kinda collapsed in on myself, even the next day, i didnt go into work and just stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself, but got a serious verbal slap from my best friend, which helped me pick myself up, and just been pushing on from there
ah well in all reality i cant extend my deadline, i have set it a week before i start a my new job, so that if/when she says it is over, it gives me a week to fall apart again and pick myself back up before i start it, and will hopefully then allow me to draw a line on that part of my life and concentrate on rebuilding my 'new' life without her. if that is what it comes to. still hoping it wont, but that hope dies just a little bit more each day.
lol some times i wish i could stay away form my best friend as although she has been a rock, she has said some hard/harsh/honest things to me about things, which can be critical, but there really is no getting away from her, as she doesnt give up lol.
really happy you have found something good from all of that though, might be hope for me in the long run
and honestly, i have not been that drunk since i realised my marriage had failed and my best friend took me out on the town, oh my, i didnt have a hang over from that thankfully, but thats because i was still drunk the next day
could not drive till the Sunday morning from having gone out on the friday night that time haha Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
oh i fell apart, that first night i kinda collapsed in on myself, even the next day, i didnt go into work and just stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself, but got a serious verbal slap from my best friend, which helped me pick myself up, and just been pushing on from there
ah well in all reality i cant extend my deadline, i have set it a week before i start a my new job, so that if/when she says it is over, it gives me a week to fall apart again and pick myself back up before i start it, and will hopefully then allow me to draw a line on that part of my life and concentrate on rebuilding my 'new' life without her. if that is what it comes to. still hoping it wont, but that hope dies just a little bit more each day.
lol some times i wish i could stay away form my best friend as although she has been a rock, she has said some hard/harsh/honest things to me about things, which can be critical, but there really is no getting away from her, as she doesnt give up lol.
really happy you have found something good from all of that though, might be hope for me in the long run
and honestly, i have not been that drunk since i realised my marriage had failed and my best friend took me out on the town, oh my, i didnt have a hang over from that thankfully, but thats because i was still drunk the next day could not drive till the Sunday morning from having gone out on the friday night that time haha
Best friend - keep that. She is a star, and we all need that dose of realism and straight talking.
A 'set-in-stone' deadline is a tough one, unless you're very single-minded over it. My ex had a knack of getting in touch either the day before, or on the day, with either a generous dollop of hope, or an invitation to do something to try and get ourselves back on track. At no stage did he say 'this isn't what I want.' Looking back it was that fragment of hope that kept me there for five years. If I ever said 'you're 100% in, or not at all' he would say '100% in' and we would be ok for a few weeks or months, but then the distance would creep in again, followed by the trip to the doctor. We even paid for a counsellor, paid for relaxation massages and built our lives around his hobbies, which were expensive and dangerous, but helped him to feel alive and gave him a high that would last for days, so worth every penny at the time.
Yes, I'm doing ok. It's not the type of relationship I ever expected myself to be in, and there's a fair bit of compromise, but he's a decent, honest, hard-working guy, and they can be few and far between.
As for being drunk; it's got to be done now and again!0 -
Best friend - keep that. She is a star, and we all need that dose of realism and straight talking.
A 'set-in-stone' deadline is a tough one, unless you're very single-minded over it. My ex had a knack of getting in touch either the day before, or on the day, with either a generous dollop of hope, or an invitation to do something to try and get ourselves back on track. At no stage did he say 'this isn't what I want.' Looking back it was that fragment of hope that kept me there for five years. If I ever said 'you're 100% in, or not at all' he would say '100% in' and we would be ok for a few weeks or months, but then the distance would creep in again, followed by the trip to the doctor. We even paid for a counsellor, paid for relaxation massages and built our lives around his hobbies, which were expensive and dangerous, but helped him to feel alive and gave him a high that would last for days, so worth every penny at the time.
Yes, I'm doing ok. It's not the type of relationship I ever expected myself to be in, and there's a fair bit of compromise, but he's a decent, honest, hard-working guy, and they can be few and far between.
As for being drunk; it's got to be done now and again!
haha shes not going anywhere, the cow knows far too much about me!!!!! love her to death though
to be honest the only problem i am having with my set in stone date is making myself wait that long! the amount of times this last two weeks i have wanted to just go over and sort it one way or another is beyond count. i think the only thing that has stopped me is this thread and everyone saying the same thing in that i need to give her the space she has asked for
have to admit, and sorry to be blunt, but the way you describe your current relationship doesnt sound particularly happy/exciting, but i also know text doesnt always get things across correctlyDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
Be very grateful for yiur best friend . We all need somebody to kick us in the butt occasionally . Maybe you should think about marrying her instead of your girlfriend! :rotfl:
Seriously, there is nothing to stop you bringing your deadline forward if your new job is the key focal time point . Just fill the extra space with some useful activities. Sort out your wardrobes, your filing cabinets, your food cupboards, your junk drawers . Play your favourite music while you do it. Clear up the house /Garage. Buy a couple of books and read them in your spare time. Every time you think of her, put £1 (or more!) Into a swear box to spend on a small treat for yourself later.
For all you know, yiur girlfriend may be sinking into an ever deeper depression from which, however hard you tried, you would be incapable of rescuing her. If that happens, with a new job, how would you cope ?
Just remind yourself that with one failed marriage behind you, for whatever reason, caution really should be key this time, and sadly sometimes the hardest learned lessons are the ones from which we most benefit in the long term.0 -
Be very grateful for yiur best friend . We all need somebody to kick us in the butt occasionally . Maybe you should think about marrying her instead of your girlfriend! :rotfl:
Seriously, there is nothing to stop you bringing your deadline forward if your new job is the key focal time point . Just fill the extra space with some useful activities. Sort out your wardrobes, your filing cabinets, your food cupboards, your junk drawers . Play your favourite music while you do it. Clear up the house /Garage. Buy a couple of books and read them in your spare time. Every time you think of her, put £1 (or more!) Into a swear box to spend on a small treat for yourself later.
For all you know, yiur girlfriend may be sinking into an ever deeper depression from which, however hard you tried, you would be incapable of rescuing her. If that happens, with a new job, how would you cope ?
Just remind yourself that with one failed marriage behind you, for whatever reason, caution really should be key this time, and sadly sometimes the hardest learned lessons are the ones from which we most benefit in the long term.
haha as much as i love my best friend, i think we would kill each other if we had the complication of sex brought into things, and really who the hell would i have to complain to when she pee'd me off? dont want to be the middle age guy moaning to the barmaid about his wife lol
as to cleaning, well my house is rather clean at the moment, as i have been doing all those things, in fact had a good clean on Sunday as i found myself at a slight lose end in the afternoon.
as to my girlfriend, going into depression, i dont know, wasnt really on the cards as something that worried me until this sudden change in her in the two weeks up to this space.
and my marriage fell apart for numerous reasons, lack of communication being a big one, which is why i tried to tackle this 'quickly' when we was both happy and relaxed, never expecting the reply and reaction i got.......
just cant win really with these thingsDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
haha shes not going anywhere, the cow knows far too much about me!!!!! love her to death though
to be honest the only problem i am having with my set in stone date is making myself wait that long! the amount of times this last two weeks i have wanted to just go over and sort it one way or another is beyond count. i think the only thing that has stopped me is this thread and everyone saying the same thing in that i need to give her the space she has asked for
have to admit, and sorry to be blunt, but the way you describe your current relationship doesnt sound particularly happy/exciting, but i also know text doesnt always get things across correctly
Well, that's interesting: sometimes our perfect partner is under our nose, disguised as a friend, but that's all I'm going to say on that one.
It is very difficult playing the waiting game, and putting the other person's feelings way ahead of your own; for some people, it's impossible. If you're at the point where you just want an answer either way, perhaps that speaks volumes in itself.
Blunt is absolutely fine with me. There are a few things that may put my situation in perspective. For every giggly and fun 3 a.m. walk on the beach, and watching the sunrise, there were ten nights where I didn't know where he was. For every bit of footage of him laughing, whilst hanging by his fingers from a sheer rock face, there were hours of worry that this would be the time where it was all a front and there would be a 'tragic accident'. For every 'I'm so grateful that you put up with me and the way I am', there were days, weeks and very occasionally months of silence or the odd text message, that I would instantly reply to, and have to wait days to get a further response from him. These are obviously the worst times, but they were real, nonetheless, and they made up a huge part of the five years. My current relationship definitely isn't the most exciting in the world, but I'll take that: there's a lot to be said for love, laughter, respect and ultimately peace of mind.0 -
Well, that's interesting: sometimes our perfect partner is under our nose, disguised as a friend, but that's all I'm going to say on that one.
It is very difficult playing the waiting game, and putting the other person's feelings way ahead of your own; for some people, it's impossible. If you're at the point where you just want an answer either way, perhaps that speaks volumes in itself.
Blunt is absolutely fine with me. There are a few things that may put my situation in perspective. For every giggly and fun 3 a.m. walk on the beach, and watching the sunrise, there were ten nights where I didn't know where he was. For every bit of footage of him laughing, whilst hanging by his fingers from a sheer rock face, there were hours of worry that this would be the time where it was all a front and there would be a 'tragic accident'. For every 'I'm so grateful that you put up with me and the way I am', there were days, weeks and very occasionally months of silence or the odd text message, that I would instantly reply to, and have to wait days to get a further response from him. These are obviously the worst times, but they were real, nonetheless, and they made up a huge part of the five years. My current relationship definitely isn't the most exciting in the world, but I'll take that: there's a lot to be said for love, laughter, respect and ultimately peace of mind.
haha nah, not gonna happen, and thats not even to do with the 250 miles between me and my best friend, but also the fact she is happily married with 2 beautiful children already
but we just would not be compatible in that respect
and yes the waiting game is certainly very very hard, and yes i know i am getting to the end of my patience, got my daughter with me from tomorrow for 5 days however so that should be helpful, not got much planned yet as my parents have also suggested they might come for a visit for a few days. oh well busy busy busy, going to probably go to the gym again tonight as i wont be able to go much or at all over the following 5 daysDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
haha nah, not gonna happen, and thats not even to do with the 250 miles between me and my best friend, but also the fact she is happily married with 2 beautiful children already but we just would not be compatible in that respect
and yes the waiting game is certainly very very hard, and yes i know i am getting to the end of my patience, got my daughter with me from tomorrow for 5 days however so that should be helpful, not got much planned yet as my parents have also suggested they might come for a visit for a few days. oh well busy busy busy, going to probably go to the gym again tonight as i wont be able to go much or at all over the following 5 days
Ah! That does make a difference.
If you're reaching the end of your patience already, it says a lot. Keeping busy will always help. 0
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