can 'space' really help?

gonzo127

bagpussbear wrote: »

You're handling this very well.

I don't think your girlfriend is being particularly fair here. In your shoes, I would feel pretty irritated at the silence and the fact she talks to everyone else, and completely ignore you.

Whether she considers this a break up or just a bit of a break, either way I think you should be getting on with your life. It's not looking great for you here, sorry.

Well I don't feel as if I am handling it well at all. keep having bouts where I am going out of my mind with worry about her/us etc to not thinking about her at all.

give you one guess where I am now lol

fighting the urge to just drive over to her house and 'have it out' with her about all this crap so at least I might get an answer. but knowing that if I do it will be the end of things. rar

Primrose

I understand the temptation to drive over to her house but there's a danger that


a) she'll leave you standing on the doorstep if she's already decided to make a break, which will leave you feeling frustrated and humiliated. That will probably make it harder to pick yourself up.


b) It will end in a huge acrimonious argument. That will probably upset and undermine you and make it harder for you to move on in a positive frame of mind.


Frankly in your shoes I would by now, be telling myself that her silence for this long is not good, especially if previously your relationship was OK. Maybe she's just a coward at heart, doesn't want a confrontation and is hoping this will prove the quiet and easy way out. If ultimately she finds she really does love you and wants to resume the relationship she knows she has to take the responsibility for initiating contact . You are doing what she asked you to do, i.e give her space. However hard it feels, I would stick to this. She may still be in the throes of trying to sort this issue out with her counsellor. If you turn up in the middle of a possible resolution, you may wreck everything. Get on with your life, however hard, and if it turns out that absence does make the heart grow fonder, your patience will have earned an unexpected reward.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

I understand the temptation to drive over to her house but there's a danger that


a) she'll leave you standing on the doorstep if she's already decided to make a break, which will leave you feeling frustrated and humiliated. That will probably make it harder to pick yourself up.


b) It will end in a huge acrimonious argument. That will probably upset and undermine you and make it harder for you to move on in a positive frame of mind.


Frankly in your shoes I would by now, be telling myself that her silence for this long is not good, especially if previously your relationship was OK. Maybe she's just a coward at heart, doesn't want a confrontation and is hoping this will prove the quiet and easy way out. If ultimately she finds she really does love you and wants to resume the relationship she knows she has to take the responsibility for initiating contact . You are doing what she asked you to do, i.e give her space. However hard it feels, I would stick to this. She may still be in the throes of trying to sort this issue out with her counsellor. If you turn up in the middle of a possible resolution, you may wreck everything. Get on with your life, however hard, and if it turns out that absence does make the heart grow fonder, your patience will have earned an unexpected reward.

I know I have to fight through it. just finding it really hard right this moment probably as I really do not expect her to come back to me.

oh well things can only get better

Ozzuk

This is a difficult one, previously I've done everything I could to save a relationship and it ended up just hurting more. I'm more independent now, and if a partner was asking for space I'd be wanting to understand why. Space rarely resolves anything.

It is fine to recognise your own needs in this. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like this? There is nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself and your needs, if you don't want space and don't think that will resolve anything then tell her that. Either you talk and work through things together or split up and see what happens in the future.

One danger is she decides to come back, she has then lost respect for you and is holding all the cards, knowing you'll be there for her - it could make her more likely to do this again.

decide what you want, someone you can communicate with and work through problems, or someone who feels 'space' sorts issues.

Being single isn't scary, also consider what message it shows your kids about relationships.

In summary, stick up for yourself and your needs, if she is unsure what she wants then move on, show her you can be strong and independant, she may find that attractive and realise what she is missing. If she doesn't, then its her loss.

JayJay100

The thing is that when you're waiting, every hour feels like a week, but when you're trying to think things through, especially when you're going through counselling, it can be a struggle to even get a single rational thought together. It's not unusual to try and break the stresses down into bite size pieces, and to park as many as you can, so you can deal with them on a one at a time basis. On top of that, illness can be a massive game-changer, especially when it's a progressive one. Not only can you feel let down by your own body, but you don't want to be a burden on the people around you. I had a cancer scare a while ago, and as much as I needed my OH, I didn't want to put him through it, either.

A lot of this boils down to how much you want to be with her, and if she's worth all of this stress. I would give her some time, concentrate on yourself, and carry on with the gym and things that help you to feel good. You will learn a lot about you, and your relationship, in the way that you handle this. I'd also put a time limit on it; I was in a very similar situation for five years, before I realised that it could never be sorted out.

gonzo127

Ozzuk wrote: »

This is a difficult one, previously I've done everything I could to save a relationship and it ended up just hurting more. I'm more independent now, and if a partner was asking for space I'd be wanting to understand why. Space rarely resolves anything.

It is fine to recognise your own needs in this. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like this? There is nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself and your needs, if you don't want space and don't think that will resolve anything then tell her that. Either you talk and work through things together or split up and see what happens in the future.

One danger is she decides to come back, she has then lost respect for you and is holding all the cards, knowing you'll be there for her - it could make her more likely to do this again.

decide what you want, someone you can communicate with and work through problems, or someone who feels 'space' sorts issues.

Being single isn't scary, also consider what message it shows your kids about relationships.

In summary, stick up for yourself and your needs, if she is unsure what she wants then move on, show her you can be strong and independant, she may find that attractive and realise what she is missing. If she doesn't, then its her loss.

i would certainly prefer her to talk to me about these things, and she used to before her disease, since then she has been less willing to talk about things, up till this last month where she has totally clammed up.

but if we hit my 'deadline', wow i hate that word but it is the best one that fits, i will be telling her enough is enough.

i also have to admit, these last 2 weeks has already made me realise a lot about myself, some things i want to change, but they will come with time, and i have certainly seen that i can easily be single if it comes to it

gonzo127

JayJay100 wrote: »

The thing is that when you're waiting, every hour feels like a week, but when you're trying to think things through, especially when you're going through counselling, it can be a struggle to even get a single rational thought together. It's not unusual to try and break the stresses down into bite size pieces, and to park as many as you can, so you can deal with them on a one at a time basis. On top of that, illness can be a massive game-changer, especially when it's a progressive one. Not only can you feel let down by your own body, but you don't want to be a burden on the people around you. I had a cancer scare a while ago, and as much as I needed my OH, I didn't want to put him through it, either.

A lot of this boils down to how much you want to be with her, and if she's worth all of this stress. I would give her some time, concentrate on yourself, and carry on with the gym and things that help you to feel good. You will learn a lot about you, and your relationship, in the way that you handle this. I'd also put a time limit on it; I was in a very similar situation for five years, before I realised that it could never be sorted out.

she is worth it. before all this i feel we had a happy relationship, yes we had a few issues etc but i dont know one which is perfect.

but since i plodded through for 10 years with a dead end marriage in which she was not going to change, i can not just wait and wait for ever, for anyone, so have set myself a time frame, this being said, i am at a point in which i very much expect to hit that deadline, as much as i do not want to. but as they say the ball is in her court.

Primrose

[QUOTE=gonzo127;73302360

i also have to admit, these last 2 weeks has already made me realise a lot about myself, some things i want to change, but they will come with time, and i have certainly seen that i can easily be single if it comes to it[/QUOTE]

It’s good, that although painful, this break and silence in your relationship has actually proved beneficial to you too. There’s always a danger in any relationship that you start to lose the sense of “self” and your own identity, especially if you’re of a nature to want to please and try to accommodate your partner.

If this break if giving you time to reflect, perhaps it’s a very good thing this had happened before your relationship has become too deep. It has given you a chance to see how the relationship might run into difficulties in the future, and to assess your reaction on how you prefer to deal with difficulties when you meet them. There might be a lot more incompatibilities between you that owrhaps you first thought.

If this situation brings them to light now before irreparable steps have been made, a little anguish now will have saved a lot more further down the line. Perhaps her counselling sessions have caused her to come to a similar conclusion just a little ahead of you.

Just a thought. Whatever her own problems, when are you going to get just a little angry that she’s treating you as if your own feelings are of no importance whatsoever?

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

It’s good, that although painful, this break and silence in your relationship has actually proved beneficial to you too. There’s always a danger in any relationship that you start to lose the sense of “self” and your own identity, especially if you’re of a nature to want to please and try to accommodate your partner.

If this break if giving you time to reflect, perhaps it’s a very good thing this had happened before your relationship has become too deep. It has given you a chance to see how the relationship might run into difficulties in the future, and to assess your reaction on how you prefer to deal with difficulties when you meet them. There might be a lot more incompatibilities between you that owrhaps you first thought.

If this situation brings them to light now before irreparable steps have been made, a little anguish now will have saved a lot more further down the line. Perhaps her counselling sessions have caused her to come to a similar conclusion just a little ahead of you.

Just a thought. Whatever her own problems, when are you going to get just a little angry that she’s treating you as if your own feelings are of no importance whatsoever?

this is certainly a good way of looking at things, and i will be honest i am someone who does lose a sense of self pretty easy, because i do get a awful amount of pleasure out of helping others, probably down to the fact my mum is disabled, and although not a single parent, my dad was away from home a lot on work, so from a very young age i have had to help with things and so tend to put the family above self.

as to getting angry, i have had a few feelings of anger, but as a rule these days i do not get angry, at anything, ever.

this is basically because i had really troubled teenage years and went off the rails somewhat in which i let my anger get hold of me, to some less than pleasant consequences, and have the scars to remind me of these. so have learnt how to keep calm. honestly i can not even remember the last time i even shouted at something

JayJay100

gonzo127 wrote: »

she is worth it. before all this i feel we had a happy relationship, yes we had a few issues etc but i dont know one which is perfect.

but since i plodded through for 10 years with a dead end marriage in which she was not going to change, i can not just wait and wait for ever, for anyone, so have set myself a time frame, this being said, i am at a point in which i very much expect to hit that deadline, as much as i do not want to. but as they say the ball is in her court.

It was the same for me; we had a wonderful relationship, and he meant everything to me. We were really strong together, and tackled our problems head on. I couldn't believe how lucky how I was. The change came out of the blue. Where our communication had always been a strength, overnight he shut down and wouldn't talk to me. I thought he must have had an affair, but he swore he hadn't. He asked for space: I gave it to him, but it cost me to do it.

Within a couple of weeks, we were back together, but it was different. I was a little resentful that he had shut me out. I didn't know why he had done it, and, according to him, neither did he. I needed answers, but I was scared of pushing him away, so it was glossed over. It was almost a relief when he said that he thought he was depressed, and was going to the doctors. He was prescribed antidepressants, which he hated taking, and a course of counselling. Midway through the counselling, there was another request for space, which I again gave to him. This was the start of a roller-coaster five years, where everything was dominated by his depression, his feelings of being numb, his feelings of guilt, his need for space, feelings of being inadequate (on both sides) and my determination to be there for him no matter what. I was convinced that we'd get through it together. It was incredibly hard. 90% was sheer hell, interspersed 10% of glorious normality. At the time, I thought it was worth it. Now, for various reasons, I know that it wasn't.