can 'space' really help?

gonzo127

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

Your post seems less "does space help" and more "giving someone space is annoying"

no its a i dont know what is actually happening, so can someone help explain things to me, as previous to this thread, to me space was just a way of distancing yourself so that you can end things easier. so explaining what i am feeling has allowed people to respond to those feelings with advice and thoughts.

other peoples perspectives such as your own have allowed me to see it all in a less negative fashion, and although i PERSONALLY do not like it, and it does pain me to know i can not do anything about it. that there is a possibility that things will get better for me/us.

peoples advice has also helped me not do anything stupid and push the situation and actually give her the space she requested without little gestures to show i still love her and i am still here for her.

i do apologise if the pain and helplessness i have been feeling and seeking help on how to understand and cope with it, just comes across as whinging and annoying. but i guess it is the extrovert in me that needed to reach out and seek support and understanding to a situation that made/makes little sense to me.

gonzo127

gonzo127 wrote: »

i do apologise if the pain and helplessness i have been feeling and seeking help on how to understand and cope with it, just comes across as whinging and annoying. but i guess it is the extrovert in me that needed to reach out and seek support and understanding to a situation that made/makes little sense to me.

actually that was a little rude of me, so wanted to say i am sorry, had been stuck in traffic for 2 hours when i read your comment and did the sin of writing when frustrated.

gonzo127

Well 2 weeks in and still nothing. finding it much easier myself which worries me in some ways. but I am still going to the gym. eating better and actually look and feel better than I have in 15 years in fact i have lost nearly 1 stone in the past 2 weeks so it's going well

Primrose

Good for you. Although managing the silence is difficult perhaps the way you’re coping is proving that if a breakup is on the cards you and yiur life will not fall apart quite as badly as you had feared. Keep it up and be engaged elsewhere on as many activities as you can.
And if she does change her mind and want to renew contact, I wouldn’t rush to respond to a text etc or suggestion for a meet-up I’d let your other commitments run their course first. This isn’t suggesting encouraging mind games but merely to get yourself into a new sense of discipline of living your life in a way where your own needs are considered along with those of somebody else. Having this self respect for your own needs is a good balance if a relationship looks like having the capacity to push you badly off course.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

Good for you. Although managing the silence is difficult perhaps the way you’re coping is proving that if a breakup is on the cards you and yiur life will not fall apart quite as badly as you had feared. Keep it up and be engaged elsewhere on as many activities as you can.
And if she does change her mind and want to renew contact, I wouldn’t rush to respond to a text etc or suggestion for a meet-up I’d let your other commitments run their course first. This isn’t suggesting encouraging mind games but merely to get yourself into a new sense of discipline of living your life in a way where your own needs are considered along with those of somebody else. Having this self respect for your own needs is a good balance if a relationship looks like having the capacity to push you badly off course.

thanks. yes still have difficult times. like this weekend in which hope bubbles up that she will get in contact especially as it's our first weekend without the kids. but I am just pushing through and getting on with things. the gym has been a amazing help. although yet to find a gym buddy lol. but I'm sure it will get better and easier

Primrose

I wouldn’t get your hopes up too high. With half term about to start I imagine your girlfriend will be heavily focussed on activities for the children (not sure what age they are and how much attention they need) so probably her mind will be prioritised elsewhere.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

I wouldn’t get your hopes up too high. With half term about to start I imagine your girlfriend will be heavily focussed on activities for the children (not sure what age they are and how much attention they need) so probably her mind will be prioritised elsewhere.

to be honest this was one of the reasons I was hoping she would contact me since we won't be able to talk about things next week. although the kids are 9 and 10 so less planning needed in some ways. also we will only have the kids for part of the week so even less planning lol

Primrose

I think, being realistic, the longer she leaves it without making contact, the more likely it is that she wants to permanently break off the relationship. I would set a date of a month in your mental diary and if she hasn,t made contact by then, assume that is the end of it.

I agree that would be a very unsatisfactory end to the relationship without being able to have a discussion which enables you to have some kind of closure and understand why it happened or the specific issue which triggered it. However if that,a the way it goes yiu may have to look on it as a fact that this is how she might have treated disagreements or misunderstandings between you in the future if your relationship might have become permanent. That wouldnt have been a very easy state of affairs to process either.

Whether after a month you choose to let sleeping dogs lie or send a message acknowledging the relationship is over is for you to judge. However it may be important to set yourself a definite time line in the sand for a decision so that psychologically you make it easier to give yourself permission to start moving on. Accepting the reality of a breakup is hard, and rather like coming to terms with a bereavement. In some ways it’s harder because the person concerned is still around but emotionally out of reach and one is always tempted to hope a change of heart may occur.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

I think, being realistic, the longer she leaves it without making contact, the more likely it is that she wants to permanently break off the relationship. I would set a date of a month in your mental diary and if she hasn,t made contact by then, assume that is the end of it.

I agree that would be a very unsatisfactory end to the relationship without being able to have a discussion which enables you to have some kind of closure and understand why it happened or the specific issue which triggered it. However if that,a the way it goes yiu may have to look on it as a fact that this is how she might have treated disagreements or misunderstandings between you in the future if your relationship might have become permanent. That wouldnt have been a very easy state of affairs to process either.

Whether after a month you choose to let sleeping dogs lie or send a message acknowledging the relationship is over is for you to judge. However it may be important to set yourself a definite time line in the sand for a decision so that psychologically you make it easier to give yourself permission to start moving on. Accepting the reality of a breakup is hard, and rather like coming to terms with a bereavement. In some ways it’s harder because the person concerned is still around but emotionally out of reach and one is always tempted to hope a change of heart may occur.

thanks again. those are my thoughts exactly as I would have thought that if she wanted to fix things she would have done something by now. instead just silence which speaks volumes in itself.

and I have set my mental deadline for this already just really do not want to get there as I still love her and really want to fix what ever the hell has happened. but oh well there really is nothing I can do other than get on with my life

bagpussbear

You're handling this very well.

I don't think your girlfriend is being particularly fair here. In your shoes, I would feel pretty irritated at the silence and the fact she talks to everyone else, and completely ignore you.

Whether she considers this a break up or just a bit of a break, either way I think you should be getting on with your life. It's not looking great for you here, sorry.