can 'space' really help?

gonzo127

tgroom57 wrote: »

^^ this

From your description of your lovely weekend away, this isn't what I was expecting you to write next.
Can you stop asking - "Are we there yet ?"
- and instead just enjoy the journey? ie some pleasant time together.
I'm in a long distant relationship and for me once or twice a day (calling) is enough, but sometimes in the past that hasn't been enough for him.
Also, her treatments you mention in the first post would have been both unsettling and stressful at a biological level (especially chemo), so anything you can think of to improve how you both manage stress is a big help.
Good luck.

the issue was she so obviously was NOT enjoying the journey, so that was not a 'are we there yet' comment but more a 'what's been upsetting you these past 2 weeks' question. with the hope that having had a nice time away she would be more recetive to talking to me. since whenever I have raised the question of what's up when she is still obviously upset. it usually doesn't go down well and ends with her claiming up and not talking to me.

granted this time the not talking to me has gone to entirely different level than just that evening. so maybe you have a point. it's just historically in our relationship it has always been more productive to discuss any problems or issues when we are both more relaxed.

anyways just got back from a local carnival, fun fair and fireworks night with my daughter. who was upset that my girlfriend and her kids where not coming with us as had been planned. thankfully I managed to get hold of one of her friends and her mum who came with us. so not a total screw up

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's incredible how foul those drugs can make you feel. 'It's only a low dose' they say. 'It's the Gold Standard for treatment' they tell you. 'Any side effects get easier with time'.

Well, that's all very well, but it's very little consolation when your head is banging, you feel like puking, you can't eat your normal favourite foods, not even ice cream because one of the common side effects is becoming lactose intolerant and you feel sick at the thought of a cup of tea, you're constantly being stabbed for blood tests, on guard for the slightest sniffle in case you're about to become seriously ill due to your immune system being compromised, you're having to cope with getting a job and probably hoping that you don't get ill within the first two years in case they decide to get rid of you with no comeback/might not have declared it in the first place, because it's rare to get a job offer once they know you have a degenerative autoimmune disease, you've still got to make sure there is food on the table and the bills are paid, you're left rattling around with your own thoughts about mortality, disability and the future and then there's a boyfriend to keep happy. Oh, and on your 'good' ie, not puking, days, you just feel like you've run a marathon, climbed Everest and have the flu as soon as the alarm goes off. Plus you get all the information about long term prognosis, which includes your likelihood of dying of lymphoma increases, but if you don't take it, your likelihood of dying of cardiomyopathy increases, you starting losing some of your hair (not as much as with cancer chemo, but it's not pleasant to see chunks coming out on your brush, your nails go to pot, you have to be aware of not drinking in case you develop liver toxicity, lung fibrosis, the joys of the yearly flu jab, and, if I haven't mentioned it before, it makes you so damn tired before it starts having a noticeable positive effect.


Unless she has suddenly experienced a rapid remission and she feels absolutely wonderful (which is unlikely), the last thing she'd be able to cope with is a carnival, followed by a fun fair and fireworks - it's too much physically and the smells when you're feeling fragile from the meds are absolutely disgusting.


And, if the disease activity isn't reducing, inflammation has been found to correlate with a lowering of mood - whilst some more stupid doctors and nurses will inform you that it's just because you're depressed that you feel ill, it takes a particular show of stubbornness to inform them that that you wouldn't feel so bloody miserable if you weren't in pain.

In addition, it's common to prescribe Amitriptyline, an old antidepressant, off licence for pain. Whilst it works for some people, for others it just numbs their feelings, both emotionally and sexually. Because they aren't depressed (see paragraph above for this ever decreasing circle).


In short, even if it is that she loves you dearly, it's possible she just can't deal with one more job, one more call, one more text message - and certainly not a visit. There's a good chance that she just goes to bed the moment the kids aren't needing attention and just sleeps or lies down because everything is such hard work.


I can't give you a definitive answer. Only she can do that - but I thought you should bear in mind the impact of RA and the associated meds, as nobody's really looked at those on this thread..

But I do know that if she can't handle the communicating right now, the worst thing you could do is turn up at the house or contact her repeatedly with news that might affect her job security, kid problems, ex issues and everything else, harsh though that sounds. It's more likely to push her into ending things because it makes her feel even more on the spot. As would the 'I'm going to fight for you' stuff. Who would you be fighting? Her.


The most I'd suggest as a compromise, to show her you're still thinking of her is sending a card, handdrawn cartoon or something lighthearted and positive, maybe telling her to let you know if there's anything you can do to help/make her feel better, all she has to do is let you know. If there's a way back for both of you, it'll cheer her up. And if not, well you know you've tried without being creepy, controlling or demanding.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

svain wrote: »

You ring each other once or twice a day??? .... and he wants to speak more often than that?? :eek::eek:

I think I've spoken to the OH on the phone about twice a year since we met - and we're getting married. We have stupid text conversations when he's working away, but that's it; conversation is/was for when we're together - what would we have to talk about if we've already covered it all before he comes home?

gonzo127

thanks JoJo well she has been of the chemo for a while it was just a hit it course to get it under control. but I do understand how these things can bring you down and was there to support and help when I could even if it was just vacuuming her house for her etc

although the going to bed when the kids have gone to sleep isn't what she does. trying not to to be creepy and stalkery but as in Facebook messenger at the top there is a list of people online at the time. so I see her online all of the time. such as last night when I was chatting to my best mate who had messaged me to see how I was after the carnival. I could see my girlfriend was also online chatting to someone at past midnight which has been similar all week this week. so it's not as if she can't be bothered to talk. just doesn't want to talk to me.

anyways I messaged about the job. so hopefully she knows I am thinking of her. I am just going to have to wait for her to contact me now. although I do feel as if this is the end and this space is just her trying to lessen the blow but I can't stop hoping which just seems to bring me pain. blooming stupid emotions!!!

PeacefulWaters

I could see my girlfriend was also online chatting to someone at past midnight which has been similar all week this week

Is it normal for her to stay up late chatting to friends?

If not, I'd be preparing for bad news.

Fosterdog

If the changes came on quite suddenly do you know if she was prescribed any anti-depressants? There are so many out there and not all of them work well for everyone and a common side effect is a change in personality. If she has gone from being mostly fine (obviously not great after everything she has been through) to suddenly pushing you away and seemingly changing could it be side effects of something?

A friend was one put on an anti depressant that changed her from depressed to suicidal, she was days away from taking her own life when her brother intervened and got her further help. They took her off the meds’ altogether for two weeks then tried an alernative which did make a huge positive difference to her. One thing they don’t tell people to do often enough is to try and get somebody else to monitor any behaviour changes as the one on the drugs often doesn’t see the changes until it’s too late whereas an outsider will notice a lot sooner.

gonzo127

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Is it normal for her to stay up late chatting to friends?

If not, I'd be preparing for bad news.

Well it's not totally unusual. Although some days she wouldn't even pick up her phone in a evening to talk to anyone but this week she has been up late chatting everynight

And Well I am trying to prepare but I still have hope which is what hurts

gonzo127

Fosterdog wrote: »

If the changes came on quite suddenly do you know if she was prescribed any anti-depressants? There are so many out there and not all of them work well for everyone and a common side effect is a change in personality. If she has gone from being mostly fine (obviously not great after everything she has been through) to suddenly pushing you away and seemingly changing could it be side effects of something?

A friend was one put on an anti depressant that changed her from depressed to suicidal, she was days away from taking her own life when her brother intervened and got her further help. They took her off the meds’ altogether for two weeks then tried an alernative which did make a huge positive difference to her. One thing they don’t tell people to do often enough is to try and get somebody else to monitor any behaviour changes as the one on the drugs often doesn’t see the changes until it’s too late whereas an outsider will notice a lot sooner.

Yes it was pretty sudden but no no change in medication that corresponds with the change having been going over everything it does seem to be linked to therapy at least in my mind

Poor_Single_lady

I was questioning whether to post or not - but I think I am quite similar to your girlfriend in how I handle difficulties and possibly this might help. If it doesn't ignore it.

This is a general sweeping statement and I know people may disagree but I would guess your girlfriend is a major introvert and you are more extrovert. This can be tough as when problems hit the 2 groups
Have majorly different coping strategies.

Extroverts want to gather everybody round, reach out, get together as much as possible and rally the troops with chats all the time talking through the problems as much as possible and talking about it all the time in a very social and intense way,

Conservative introverts want to turn the phone off, lock the front door, turn the lights off and make a cup of tea, get into bed.

Personally at the moment I have been heavily criticised by family and friends for not being there for them. And from my perspective it feels like they think I am putting myself first and being aloof and mean and never around for anybody but myself.

When actually I feel like I am fighting a massive fire all the time and they are standing beside me not able to see the fire asking me to leave the fire and go out with them. But if I leave the fire it's going to get out of control and engulf me so I want to stay fighting the fire.

This upsets them and makes them angry so finally at a point the fire is in check and we can do something together I'm exhausted from fire fighting and I have to endure their criticism from not being around. They think if your not around it's selfish but actually you are just trying to get back on an even keel and not have your house burn down.

I'm aware this might not make much sense. From a practical sense if she has asked for space I would give her that as much as is humanly possible and in my book it will help massivly.

Only you know her but if it was me I would not appreciate texts or flowers or any contact However well meaning.
And in my opinion if she starts to think that you understand about space and can give it to her then IN TIME she won't need it.
I hope that she will take her space and be back to you.

Primrose

That was a very insightful description of how you feel you cope and how you perceive others seeing you. We are often always guilty of thinking our own way of dealing with issues is the best way, or indeed the only way so seeing this from another person’s perspective is very helpful. We can probably all learn something from it when dealing with somebody who has a completely different introvert/extrovert personality from our own.