can 'space' really help?

Primrose

We don't know when your self-imposed deadline is, but a thought to enable you to retain your self respect and be able to walk away, if necessary, without a 100% feeling that you've been dumped without having a chance to have your say.


When you reach that deadline, would it help to send her an message on the following lines:


I've respected your wish for no contact, despite my wish to try and understand what your issues were. Having received no word from you for x days/weeks, I now regard our relationship as having permanently broken down. I am sad about this, but acknowledging this will enable me to resume my personal social life without any feelings of guilt or disloyalty towards you. If this is not what you want, I am happy listen if you now feel you can be open about your issues, but this initiative must be yours.
With my best wishes for the future."



This may give you some closure, leaving the door open (if that's what you still want to do) but allow you to express your feelings in a way that makes it clear that you are going to get on with your life and not walk away with your tail between your legs.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

We don't know when your self-imposed deadline is, but a thought to enable you to retain your self respect and be able to walk away, if necessary, without a 100% feeling that you've been dumped without having a chance to have your say.


When you reach that deadline, would it help to send her an message on the following lines:


I've respected your wish for no contact, despite my wish to try and understand what your issues were. Having received no word from you for x days/weeks, I now regard our relationship as having permanently broken down. I am sad about this, but acknowledging this will enable me to resume my personal social life without any feelings of guilt or disloyalty towards you. If this is not what you want, I am happy listen if you now feel you can be open about your issues, but this initiative must be yours.
With my best wishes for the future."



This may give you some closure, leaving the door open (if that's what you still want to do) but allow you to express your feelings in a way that makes it clear that you are going to get on with your life and not walk away with your tail between your legs.

thanks well I probably won't go with something so formal, mainly as I hope to speak to her face to face about it as I don't want to do it over text message. not after so long together. even knowing how hard that will be I think I need to do it that way for my own self respect.

although I don't know if that's stupid as I am a blooming idiot since I am still hoping, beyond hope really, that she will get in touch with me. even now close to 3 weeks on I still have hope. bloody ridiculous man that I am. just can't help it as I still love her

JayJay100

gonzo127 wrote: »

thanks well I probably won't go with something so formal, mainly as I hope to speak to her face to face about it as I don't want to do it over text message. not after so long together. even knowing how hard that will be I think I need to do it that way for my own self respect.

although I don't know if that's stupid as I am a blooming idiot since I am still hoping, beyond hope really, that she will get in touch with me. even now close to 3 weeks on I still have hope. bloody ridiculous man that I am. just can't help it as I still love her

Maybe you need to be honest with her. Maybe it's time to say that you're doing your best to respect her wishes for space, but you're worried that by doing that, you're giving the impression that you don't care, and you're not prepared to fight for her. I think that after 3 weeks, it would be ok to tell her how difficult you are finding this, but try to do it in a way that doesn't increase the pressure.

The other problem is that by doing that, it makes it easy for her to keep your hopes alive. I know that, because I've been there. To be honest, if circumstances hadn't changed, I sometimes think that I'd still be there.

bagpussbear

Hi Gonzo, how long are you going to give it?

I think 3 weeks is a long time to have silence from our partner. I agree that any conversation should be face to face rather than any letter or text.

I don't want to judge your girlfriend as we don't know the full facts of what's going on with her, but it does come across as rather disrespectful of your feelings. And that's not fair.

I originally said that I don't think it should be you making the next move, but I've changed my mind given the length of time - I think it sounds time to make contact now. One way or another you need to go forward or have closure.

Primrose

I wasn,t really suggesting anything so formal. It,s just that if you turn up on the doorstep I fear she may refuse to engage, and the distance of 3 weeks may now make that easier for her. If she won’t let you in, at how much of a disadvantage will you feel if you have to have this difficult conversation on the doorstep ?

if this is the way you want to go, and I agree the length of your relationship deserves a face to face conversation, have you thought of putting your thoughts in a letter and taking it with you?. You don,t necessarily have to deliver the letter if you have a chance to speak, but if she refuses to engage with you, you can then give her the letter and walk away in the hope that at least she will still know what your feelings and wishes are and your visit won,t have been totally in vain. At least she will have known you were prepared to fight to get her back.

I do think the longer the silence lasts the more final it looks, especially if you were a couple used to having regular daily conversations. Every day the silence last does make it easier for her to pull away if that is what she wants so maybe biting the bullet sooner rather than later will be a good thing.

gonzo127

bagpussbear wrote: »

Hi Gonzo, how long are you going to give it?

I think 3 weeks is a long time to have silence from our partner. I agree that any conversation should be face to face rather than any letter or text.

I don't want to judge your girlfriend as we don't know the full facts of what's going on with her, but it does come across as rather disrespectful of your feelings. And that's not fair.

I originally said that I don't think it should be you making the next move, but I've changed my mind given the length of time - I think it sounds time to make contact now. One way or another you need to go forward or have closure.

Well she has her kids till Thursday any which way so there is going to be no way which we will be able to have a proper conversation till after that. and my deadline was a weeks time as that is a week till I start my new job. and so I was thinking a week to get my head back and then a new life with a new job.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

I wasn,t really suggesting anything so formal. It,s just that if you turn up on the doorstep I fear she may refuse to engage, and the distance of 3 weeks may now make that easier for her. If she won’t let you in, at how much of a disadvantage will you feel if you have to have this difficult conversation on the doorstep ?

if this is the way you want to go, and I agree the length of your relationship deserves a face to face conversation, have you thought of putting your thoughts in a letter and taking it with you?. You don,t necessarily have to deliver the letter if you have a chance to speak, but if she refuses to engage with you, you can then give her the letter and walk away in the hope that at least she will still know what your feelings and wishes are and your visit won,t have been totally in vain. At least she will have known you were prepared to fight to get her back.

I do think the longer the silence lasts the more final it looks, especially if you were a couple used to having regular daily conversations. Every day the silence last does make it easier for her to pull away if that is what she wants so maybe biting the bullet sooner rather than later will be a good thing.

thanks yes it might be a good idea to write it down just in case.

and yes I can't imagine that she wants to fix things now. if she wanted to actually work on our relationship I think she would surely have spoken to me by now. as it is it feels as if she just doesn't care and doesn't want to even try and fix whatever it is that is wrong for her.

just wish I could understand things as we did have such a great relationship before the therapy

Primrose

Do you think this silence might be because the counselling has triggered major issues of guilt over her marriage breakdown or she and her ex might be rekindling their relationship? If that were the case it would be pretty impossible for her to be carrying on with her relationship with you as if nothing had happened. Most people would be torn in two by an emotional conflict of interest like this.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

Do you think this silence might be because the counselling has triggered major issues of guilt over her marriage breakdown or she and her ex might be rekindling their relationship? If that were the case it would be pretty impossible for her to be carrying on with her relationship with you as if nothing had happened. Most people would be torn in two by an emotional conflict of interest like this.

i doubt it, as her ex husband has had his girlfriend move in with him, but in this situation in which i actually know nothing, its not beyond the realms of possibility i guess.

met up with one of my friends again last night and went ice skating again, was really good although got cold right through to my bones, also told her a little about whats happening because in 3 weeks time we had organised a 'couples games night' with her and her other half, so had to let her know that it might have to be cancelled.

that hurt a little but i guess its a proper start of my acceptance that things are pretty much over

and yes before you ask, most of my friends are female

Primrose

I can imagine the hurt you felt having to pretty much admit publicly that it’s over but going public may, in a strange way, help reinforce the reality of it and make it a little easier to stop convincing yourself there’s still hope.

It’s a good thing that many of your friends are female. Valuable though male friends may be for you, at the moment I think women possibly have a little more empathy in these situations, which may be what you may find helpful until get yourself emotionally on your feet again.

Just hang onto the good things you DO still have - a stable roof over your head, family, a job, good friends. These are all things which help us hold ourselves together when times are hard and while in normal times we may take them for granted, to be without them wouldmake life truly desolate.