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can 'space' really help?
Comments
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For what it's worth coming from a complete stranger, I'm really awed by how well you have been handling things so far. You should be proud of yourself!0
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For what it's worth coming from a complete stranger, I'm really awed by how well you have been handling things so far. You should be proud of yourself!
To be honest it does mean a lot. Although I do not feel as if I am coping well at all. But just trying to take it one day at a time.
This thread has helped so much and I wish I could do more than just thank the comments people have put as they have helped beyond measure. Even if it's just to open up new lines of thought. A lot of which I had never really considered before as it's just not how I am wired. But on reflection have stopped me reacting in ways which would have actually been worse for myself.
I still want her to come back to me. I still love her. But I have realised that if she chooses that it isn't what she wants then I am still going to be okDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
thanks. very interesting potential insight.
maybe that's the problem. maybe not. really do not know gggggrrrrrrrr
I understand; the not knowing is so difficult. I know my ex found it difficult too, as he just couldn't explain, and that increased his guilt, which increased the silence and made communication even more difficult. There were many times when I wanted to say something, but didn't dare, in case it was the wrong thing, and it triggered the distance again. There were many issues that we didn't get to the bottom of, and that wasn't a good thing.0 -
People often quote the old saying that those things which hurt the most make you strong. It never feels like it when it's happening but I suppose when life is ticking along normally we are never forced to dig deep enough to call upon those hidden emotional reserves we have to call on when a crisis occurs, so we never really find out what our deeper strengths are.
You've been doing all the right things, trying to understand why it happened, respect her wishes despite your confusion and the desire to go over to find out what's gone wrong, and trying to do positive things yourself to keep yourself occupied and focused. That isn't easy. But you've done them nevertheless and they are keeping you emotionally together, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Losing somebody you love for whatever reason is another form of bereavement and everybody has to try and wade through their grief and sense of loss in their own way. You're doing well. I hope the new job will soon give you another positive focus. Take a day at a time and give yourself credit for getting through these difficult days.0 -
I understand; the not knowing is so difficult. I know my ex found it difficult too, as he just couldn't explain, and that increased his guilt, which increased the silence and made communication even more difficult. There were many times when I wanted to say something, but didn't dare, in case it was the wrong thing, and it triggered the distance again. There were many issues that we didn't get to the bottom of, and that wasn't a good thing.
it really is scary how well you seem to understand, but i guess your situation is as close to what is happening to me that it makes sense. i am constantly fighting with myself wanting to say and do things, but dont dare to, because like you, worried it will be the wrong thing.
but i guess this will probably end up the same as you, 3 1/2 weeks gone and nothing, and i wonder if she even knows how to start up talking again with me. or if i have left it too long.
hey ho, nearly at my cut of date now so i guess i will know one way or the other very soonDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
People often quote the old saying that those things which hurt the most make you strong. It never feels like it when it's happening but I suppose when life is ticking along normally we are never forced to dig deep enough to call upon those hidden emotional reserves we have to call on when a crisis occurs, so we never really find out what our deeper strengths are.
You've been doing all the right things, trying to understand why it happened, respect her wishes despite your confusion and the desire to go over to find out what's gone wrong, and trying to do positive things yourself to keep yourself occupied and focused. That isn't easy. But you've done them nevertheless and they are keeping you emotionally together, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Losing somebody you love for whatever reason is another form of bereavement and everybody has to try and wade through their grief and sense of loss in their own way. You're doing well. I hope the new job will soon give you another positive focus. Take a day at a time and give yourself credit for getting through these difficult days.
it certainly doesnt feel like it at the moment thats for sure, although i can see that i have grown in myself with whats happened, it has shown me that i DO have good friends, and people i can turn to, and that i am perfectly ok being on my own. and to top it off i am now slimmer and fitter than i have been in 10-15 years, ok still a long way to go before i have the physique i have when i was 20, but its a start haha
ok so my friendship group is still extremely small, but hopefully i will click with a couple of people in my new job, and with it being so much closer to home i guess i have a good chance of making some friends who actually live closer, but time will tell, one step at a time!Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
it really is scary how well you seem to understand, but i guess your situation is as close to what is happening to me that it makes sense. i am constantly fighting with myself wanting to say and do things, but dont dare to, because like you, worried it will be the wrong thing.
but i guess this will probably end up the same as you, 3 1/2 weeks gone and nothing, and i wonder if she even knows how to start up talking again with me. or if i have left it too long.
hey ho, nearly at my cut of date now so i guess i will know one way or the other very soon
I understand, because I lived it for five years; my life was built around it and it changed me in many ways. I'd never really been an insecure person, even though I had been cheated on previously, but this situation hit every insecure button that I had. Not only that, but I felt helpless and very restricted with what I could and couldn't do and say; almost held to ransom, if you like.
If I could go back and change things, I would do it differently. I would give my ex the initial six to twelve months of counselling and support, with all the space and consideration that he needed, but that would have been it. After the twelve months, I would have stood up for myself more, insisted that we talked things through and dealt with them. I would have made it clear how much I was struggling too. I would not have put up with the space and silence, and if that had meant that I'd lost him, so be it. Looking back with 20/20 vision is a wonderful thing, though.
Actually, thinking about the initial ex who cheated on me, has given me another perspective again. At the time, my dad was going through the diagnosis of pretty hideous medical condition, and we were very aware that it would have a terminal prognosis. The bottom fell out of our world, and I remember being terrified of what we were facing. I wasn't coping well, but my partner expected me to still go out and have fun; still behave as I'd always done. I couldn't cope with crowds and noise, and I was having panic attacks, but I felt pressured by him to do it anyway. I can actually picture him saying 'but what about me?' I didn't have any answers for him, but I did ask for a bit of space and time to sort things out. Six weeks in, I asked if we were ok, and he said no. I asked if he wanted to finish, and he said he did. That was it; 2.5 years of relationship over and done with, just like that. I can remember thinking that we were supposed to be in a 'forever' relationship, and he couldn't even give me 6 lousy weeks, even though he knew what I was going through. I found out later that he'd started to cheat on me, at some point in those six weeks.
A few years later we became friends again, and he wanted (still does) to try again. It wasn't the fact that he'd cheated on me that stopped me, although that was part of it; the far bigger element was that he'd thrown everything away in such a short time frame, and wasn't there for me when I needed some understanding. He still says that it's his biggest regret. If he'd only waited for a further three weeks, we had a diagnosis that wasn't so severe, and life returned to normal.0 -
I understand, because I lived it for five years; my life was built around it and it changed me in many ways. I'd never really been an insecure person, even though I had been cheated on previously, but this situation hit every insecure button that I had. Not only that, but I felt helpless and very restricted with what I could and couldn't do and say; almost held to ransom, if you like.
If I could go back and change things, I would do it differently. I would give my ex the initial six to twelve months of counselling and support, with all the space and consideration that he needed, but that would have been it. After the twelve months, I would have stood up for myself more, insisted that we talked things through and dealt with them. I would have made it clear how much I was struggling too. I would not have put up with the space and silence, and if that had meant that I'd lost him, so be it. Looking back with 20/20 vision is a wonderful thing, though.
Actually, thinking about the initial ex who cheated on me, has given me another perspective again. At the time, my dad was going through the diagnosis of pretty hideous medical condition, and we were very aware that it would have a terminal prognosis. The bottom fell out of our world, and I remember being terrified of what we were facing. I wasn't coping well, but my partner expected me to still go out and have fun; still behave as I'd always done. I couldn't cope with crowds and noise, and I was having panic attacks, but I felt pressured by him to do it anyway. I can actually picture him saying 'but what about me?' I didn't have any answers for him, but I did ask for a bit of space and time to sort things out. Six weeks in, I asked if we were ok, and he said no. I asked if he wanted to finish, and he said he did. That was it; 2.5 years of relationship over and done with, just like that. I can remember thinking that we were supposed to be in a 'forever' relationship, and he couldn't even give me 6 lousy weeks, even though he knew what I was going through. I found out later that he'd started to cheat on me, at some point in those six weeks.
A few years later we became friends again, and he wanted (still does) to try again. It wasn't the fact that he'd cheated on me that stopped me, although that was part of it; the far bigger element was that he'd thrown everything away in such a short time frame, and wasn't there for me when I needed some understanding. He still says that it's his biggest regret. If he'd only waited for a further three weeks, we had a diagnosis that wasn't so severe, and life returned to normal.
that is very interesting, and conflicting really, as i think i can see where you are coming from, and it makes me feel guilty only being able to 'wait' 4 weeks. although i guess my problem is i have no idea what she is going through. if something like that had happened i would like to believe i would be understanding, but it is the not knowing that is driving me crazy as bat !!!!Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
As you say, the Not Knowing situation is the worst of all worlds because your life is on hold, you can't grab back control of the situation and make plans of any kind on how to move forward, even if its just to put another mental date in the diary going forward on which you can review the state of play.
That is why "Having space" for an indefinite time, without any review of the situation is unsatisfactory. There are always two people in a close relationship and havin review/discussion dates is essential so that both parties can understand how the space is working and what, if anything, has changed during that period so that you can agree on what is then needed to move to the next state of affairs .
"Having space" should not be an "empty" period, especially if counselling is involved. There will be a lot of learning/understanding/pondering periods and it's really only beneficial if every so often parties can get together to assess what has been learnt/understood and how the relationship can move forward in the light of those lessons learned.
OP, if you do get to see your girlfriend, she asks for "More space" and you decide to go along with her request, don't agree to an open agenda. Agree some dates and times where you will get together to discuss where you and she are at so that both of you know where you stand and what you are eventually aiming for. Having no focus is an ideal situation to allow the current state of affairs to drift indefinitely.0 -
that is very interesting, and conflicting really, as i think i can see where you are coming from, and it makes me feel guilty only being able to 'wait' 4 weeks. although i guess my problem is i have no idea what she is going through. if something like that had happened i would like to believe i would be understanding, but it is the not knowing that is driving me crazy as bat !!!!
That was a light bulb moment; as I thought of being insecure, I thought of my cheating ex who caused the insecurity, and went to my default position of 'my cheating ex, who couldn't even wait 6 weeks'.... oh.
We're talking about a long time ago, before mobile phones were readily available, and when communication was more difficult. Looking back, there was fault on both sides. I assumed too much. His previous girlfriend had suffered from a medical condition, and had died from it, so I thought he'd understand exactly how I was feeling, and how I was struggling. He'd always been my rock. He didn't give me any indication that our relationship was in trouble; he came across as being a bit miffed that he was missing out on parties and fun, but that was it. If he'd given any indication that he was thinking of bailing out, I would have tried harder to put him first. Whether I'd have been able to manage that, I'm not sure, as I was pretty near my coping limit.0
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