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can 'space' really help?
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"Having space" should not be an "empty" period, especially if counselling is involved. There will be a lot of learning/understanding/pondering periods and it's really only beneficial if every so often parties can get together to assess what has been learnt/understood and how the relationship can move forward in the light of those lessons learn.
I understand that only applies to marriage guidance. If there are any other issues, they shouldn't be discussed, during the counselling period, as it can cloud the person's judgement and cause further confusion. Two separate counsellors and my friend who is a counsellor, all told me that, unless the view point has changed in recent years.0 -
As you say, the Not Knowing situation is the worst of all worlds because your life is on hold, you can't grab back control of the situation and make plans of any kind on how to move forward, even if its just to put another mental date in the diary going forward on which you can review the state of play.
That is why "Having space" for an indefinite time, without any review of the situation is unsatisfactory. There are always two people in a close relationship and havin review/discussion dates is essential so that both parties can understand how the space is working and what, if anything, has changed during that period so that you can agree on what is then needed to move to the next state of affairs .
"Having space" should not be an "empty" period, especially if counselling is involved. There will be a lot of learning/understanding/pondering periods and it's really only beneficial if every so often parties can get together to assess what has been learnt/understood and how the relationship can move forward in the light of those lessons learned.
OP, if you do get to see your girlfriend, she asks for "More space" and you decide to go along with her request, don't agree to an open agenda. Agree some dates and times where you will get together to discuss where you and she are at so that both of you know where you stand and what you are eventually aiming for. Having no focus is an ideal situation to allow the current state of affairs to drift indefinitely.
so true it is the waiting and not knowing thats getting me, i would have found all of this so much easier if we spoke a little, even if it wasnt the in depth conversations i really want to be able to understand things more fully, just something to let me know she hasnt given up on us.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
That was a light bulb moment; as I thought of being insecure, I thought of my cheating ex who caused the insecurity, and went to my default position of 'my cheating ex, who couldn't even wait 6 weeks'.... oh.
We're talking about a long time ago, before mobile phones were readily available, and when communication was more difficult. Looking back, there was fault on both sides. I assumed too much. His previous girlfriend had suffered from a medical condition, and had died from it, so I thought he'd understand exactly how I was feeling, and how I was struggling. He'd always been my rock. He didn't give me any indication that our relationship was in trouble; he came across as being a bit miffed that he was missing out on parties and fun, but that was it. If he'd given any indication that he was thinking of bailing out, I would have tried harder to put him first. Whether I'd have been able to manage that, I'm not sure, as I was pretty near my coping limit.
well she knows that no communication was one of the things that i couldnt cope with in my marriage, and so was one of the major factors in why the marriage ended, so i know, she knows, that i will be struggling with the way things are.
but i also know she is getting on with her life, she was out on a night out a couple of weeks ago on a works night out, and shes due to go out this weekend as well so she is coping (as far as i know) with being social and having fun.
as i have said, it does seem to be just me she has a problem with. which hurts.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
After having “had space” for nearly a month now I suspect she was being dishonest when she said she still loved you. She knew the problems yiu have with non communication. I think, with the benefit of hindsight, she was actually being cowardly because her feeling towards you had probably changed but she didn’t want the conflict of break it off there and then and was hoping that after a period of silence you would “take the hint” and disappear from the scene.
If that’s the case you will almost certainly get a very cold and distant or even angry reception if you turn up in her doorstep because her ploy won’t have worked and you will have caught her on the back foot thinking that after a month of silence you’ve given up and she can get on with her social life without you . Are you prepared for this ultimate rebuff and are still willing to risk in preference to making your own decision now to walk away?0 -
After having “had space” for nearly a month now I suspect she was being dishonest when she said she still loved you. She knew the problems yiu have with non communication. I think, with the benefit of hindsight, she was actually being cowardly because her feeling towards you had probably changed but she didn’t want the conflict of break it off there and then and was hoping that after a period of silence you would “take the hint” and disappear from the scene.
If that’s the case you will almost certainly get a very cold and distant or even angry reception if you turn up in her doorstep because her ploy won’t have worked and you will have caught her on the back foot thinking that after a month of silence you’ve given up and she can get on with her social life without you . Are you prepared for this ultimate rebuff and are still willing to risk in preference to making your own decision now to walk away?
i am ready? who knows really until it happens, i think i am as ready as i can be, since i have felt that it was always going to be the end point to this situation.
but i am not someone to walk away, until i feel i have done everything I CAN to fix things, but i also accept that if she is not willing to try/work at things then there is nothing i can do to force the situation.
i have to try for my own self respect. yes it will hurt if it goes down that way, but i feel i need to try.
and on a rather childish view of it, if that is what she has planned all along, at least it will throw a spanner in the works and make her be at least semi honest. and you never know if it pee's her off enough she might lose her temper and actually tell me !!!!!! has happenedDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
If she does still want you, would you be able to trust her again? How long until she next leaves you hanging?
I've been in this situation gonzo, kept letting him back in because he was feeling more secure, more certain, at least until the next time. Let her go, you'll feel like crap for a while but far less time than if you let this continue. Take care of yourself.i have to try for my own self respect.
Self respect would be walking away. Be your own person, not hanging on for someone else.0 -
BorisThomson wrote: »If she does still want you, would you be able to trust her again? How long until she next leaves you hanging?
I've been in this situation gonzo, kept letting him back in because he was feeling more secure, more certain, at least until the next time. Let her go, you'll feel like crap for a while but far less time than if you let this continue. Take care of yourself.
Self respect would be walking away. Be your own person, not hanging on for someone else.
honestly i dont know, i know thats a really simple answer but its honest, i do not know how i will feel if she wants to try and fix thingsDrop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
It's been a month!
If she really still loves you as she said she did on your last meeting and wanted to fix things I think she would have been in touch by now. Even if she was confused and still trying to sort things out in her mind, if she truly didn't want to lose you I think she would have given you some sign by now that she still values this relationship.
If I really loved somebody but had effectively sent them temporarily packing, I'd be very anxious to let them have a signal that I didn't want this to be a permanent arrangement. I'd now save my self respect and keep away. She has shown no sign of wondering how you are coping with all this uncertainty. How does that equate with "still loving you".
I know you'll haunt yourself with unanswered questions if you don't go and see her but I think all the signs are now pointing to the fact that this breakup is permanent.0 -
It's been a month!
If she really still loves you as she said she did on your last meeting and wanted to fix things I think she would have been in touch by now. Even if she was confused and still trying to sort things out in her mind, if she truly didn't want to lose you I think she would have given you some sign by now that she still values this relationship.
If I really loved somebody but had effectively sent them temporarily packing, I'd be very anxious to let them have a signal that I didn't want this to be a permanent arrangement. I'd now save my self respect and keep away. She has shown no sign of wondering how you are coping with all this uncertainty. How does that equate with "still loving you".
I know you'll haunt yourself with unanswered questions if you don't go and see her but I think all the signs are now pointing to the fact that this breakup is permanent.
i do think you are right, as much as i still want you to be wrong, i can not see any other reason why she would have left it this long without contacting me,
Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
well she knows that no communication was one of the things that i couldnt cope with in my marriage, and so was one of the major factors in why the marriage ended, so i know, she knows, that i will be struggling with the way things are.
but i also know she is getting on with her life, she was out on a night out a couple of weeks ago on a works night out, and shes due to go out this weekend as well so she is coping (as far as i know) with being social and having fun.
as i have said, it does seem to be just me she has a problem with. which hurts.
Is she thinking rationally, though? I thought my ex knew how I was thinking and feeling. This is a man who had been through the uncertainty, the diagnosis, the awful treatment plan ,and the actual death, but still didn't associate any of those feelings that he'd been through with what I might be feeling. There was no understanding or empathy there at all. I was lucky as eight or so years later, we were able to talk it through, with a lot of the raw emotion stripped out. He was devastated when I told him my side of it, and how it felt to be treated like that, at a time where I needed him more than ever. I needed the supportive man; it was the party animal and the why don't you want to romp three time a night that I couldn't cope with.
All through this time, I appeared to be normal to the outsider. I went to work every day. I went out to birthdays, leaving do's and a wedding night do. I held the front firmly in place, only crumbling as I put the key in the door, apart from one memorable time when I sobbed in a taxi on the way home, and another where I had a panic attack that I couldn't contol. This carried on after we'd split up, but then the reason was no longer my dad, but it was the break up. People were telling me how well as I was coping; I wasn't.
I guess the bottom-line is how much this woman actually means to you, and whether you're comfortable with walking away after a month. I know life moves at a quicker pace now, and everyone expects instant results, but I really don't think a month is a long time, based on how you say the relationship was, and the type of person she is.0
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