can 'space' really help?

gonzo127

JayJay100 wrote: »

Is she thinking rationally, though? I thought my ex knew how I was thinking and feeling. This is a man who had been through the uncertainty, the diagnosis, the awful treatment plan ,and the actual death, but still didn't associate any of those feelings that he'd been through with what I might be feeling. There was no understanding or empathy there at all. I was lucky as eight or so years later, we were able to talk it through, with a lot of the raw emotion stripped out. He was devastated when I told him my side of it, and how it felt to be treated like that, at a time where I needed him more than ever. I needed the supportive man; it was the party animal and the why don't you want to romp three time a night that I couldn't cope with.

All through this time, I appeared to be normal to the outsider. I went to work every day. I went out to birthdays, leaving do's and a wedding night do. I held the front firmly in place, only crumbling as I put the key in the door, apart from one memorable time when I sobbed in a taxi on the way home, and another where I had a panic attack that I couldn't contol. This carried on after we'd split up, but then the reason was no longer my dad, but it was the break up. People were telling me how well as I was coping; I wasn't.

I guess the bottom-line is how much this woman actually means to you, and whether you're comfortable with walking away after a month. I know life moves at a quicker pace now, and everyone expects instant results, but I really don't think a month is a long time, based on how you say the relationship was, and the type of person she is.

thing is a adore her. and no I am not comfortable about thing ending. which is why I have been after advice and thoughts. but in all the time you was going through things did you not speak to him once? because that's the thing I would not mind the space AS MUCH if there was just the slightest bit of communication between us. but as ever it comes down to me not knowing anything. and it's driving me crazy.

barbiedoll

I've been following your thread with interest and it has been very refreshing to see how everyone has been extremely respectful of your girlfriend's emotional and physical problems, and of your decision to stay away and give her the "space" that she asked for.

I'm actually surprised that this hasn't (like so many other threads) descended into the usual rants about women who want to have it all, men who can't respect a woman's right to privacy, won't someone think of the children, etc, etc, etc. But I do think it's probably time that someone did some straight talking, so here goes......

The writing was on the wall, a month before the separation, wasn't it? Your OP mentions her distance from you, her realisation that she doesn't miss you when you're not with her, the gradual reduction in the daily messages between you, and so on.

Deep down, you know that this is the end. It's got nothing to do with her counselling, the relationship has simply run it's course, she just hasn't got the balls to end it properly. Primrose's post earlier said the same thing, but much more sympathetically (sorry!) but the message is the same.....you've been dumped but it's a long, nasty and shameful dumping. Personally, I think she's behaving disgracefully, having a horrible illness is no excuse to treat a long-standing partner in this way.

I guess it's now up to you as to how you get your closure. You could simply ignore her, move on (easier said than done, I do know) and never give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has hurt you badly.
Or, you could go and see her and let her know exactly how you feel?
Either way, it's going to hurt. And you will hurt, until one day you'll be able to look back and realise that you've had a lucky escape and she's the one missing out. You're a hard-working, successful man, a caring father AND you can ice-skate? You're a catch, don't let this cowardly woman make you think otherwise.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and I hope all goes well with the new job

gonzo127

barbiedoll wrote: »

I've been following your thread with interest and it has been very refreshing to see how everyone has been extremely respectful of your girlfriend's emotional and physical problems, and of your decision to stay away and give her the "space" that she asked for.

I'm actually surprised that this hasn't (like so many other threads) descended into the usual rants about women who want to have it all, men who can't respect a woman's right to privacy, won't someone think of the children, etc, etc, etc. But I do think it's probably time that someone did some straight talking, so here goes......

The writing was on the wall, a month before the separation, wasn't it? Your OP mentions her distance from you, her realisation that she doesn't miss you when you're not with her, the gradual reduction in the daily messages between you, and so on.

Deep down, you know that this is the end. It's got nothing to do with her counselling, the relationship has simply run it's course, she just hasn't got the balls to end it properly. Primrose's post earlier said the same thing, but much more sympathetically (sorry!) but the message is the same.....you've been dumped but it's a long, nasty and shameful dumping. Personally, I think she's behaving disgracefully, having a horrible illness is no excuse to treat a long-standing partner in this way.

I guess it's now up to you as to how you get your closure. You could simply ignore her, move on (easier said than done, I do know) and never give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has hurt you badly.
Or, you could go and see her and let her know exactly how you feel?
Either way, it's going to hurt. And you will hurt, until one day you'll be able to look back and realise that you've had a lucky escape and she's the one missing out. You're a hard-working, successful man, a caring father AND you can ice-skate? You're a catch, don't let this cowardly woman make you think otherwise.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and I hope all goes well with the new job

thanks. and it has been a worry that she has wanted to end things for a while. just hope it's not true and that it is all down to everything she is going through. as it did all start after one specific therapy session which is why I think something was said or realised during that session.

haha yes I can ice skate. I'm not the greatest but i do well enough hehe. and well im not without my faults or problems. such as I am going for a biopsy tomorrow on a mass that has been found in my lung. also likely going to have to go and help my parents (who live 250 miles away) a lot soon as my mum is disabled and mostly wheelchair bound and my dad is soon going to have to have spinal surgery which has a 30% chance of paralyzing him but without it he has a 100% chance of the same within the next year so got plenty of my own crap. so will be spending a lot of weekends travelling there to help out.

but hey what will be will be. I am still planning on going to see her at the weekend because I need to see how things stand. as who knows it might just be the case that she doesn't know how to reinitiate the contact. ah I'm still just going round in circles lol I still don't know anything

JayJay100

gonzo127 wrote: »

thing is a adore her. and no I am not comfortable about thing ending. which is why I have been after advice and thoughts. but in all the time you was going through things did you not speak to him once? because that's the thing I would not mind the space AS MUCH if there was just the slightest bit of communication between us. but as ever it comes down to me not knowing anything. and it's driving me crazy.

With the cheating ex, it was a different time; we didn't have mobiles and any calls were in work, quick and matter of fact. I'd usually left the house by 6.30 in the morning, to get my hours in work done, and then it was off to the hospital, sometimes not getting home until midnight. Our communication tended to be through messages left with colleagues or house mates. At the beginning, I remember leaving the hospital and going to meet him at about 10 o'clock, at his running club or the snooker hall; that was always quite fraught, as I was knackered, and felt guilty. That time was never enough for him; it became a bit of a give an inch, and he'd try to take a mile scenario. He'd want to go for a late drink, or to come back to mine, but I knew I had to be up within 5 hours or so. It became easier to just stay at the hospital. I thought he understood, I'd have time to sort it all out and make it up to him, once we knew what was going on. Not so.

With my depression ex, that was completely different, and we would go days or weeks with no contact at all. I remember it being months at one very low point. When he was having his counselling it was so hard, as I really didn't know what was going on. On the rare occasions that he did text, every text started with 'sorry'. Phone calls were non-existent; a bit of a come down from the 4 or 5 hour calls we would rack up every night, when one of us was working away. If we did meet, it would either be fantastic, or there would be huge, uncomfortable silences, and then he would become bad-tempered with himself, or throw himself a guilt-trip, or ask why I was still around, and he wasn't worth it. Eventually we'd have a break-through, and my usual, wonderful partner would be back.

I think I was probably more patient than most, because of what I'd been through myself, and he was worth it. Would I do it again? Yes, but my approach would be different.

gonzo127

JayJay100 wrote: »

With the cheating ex, it was a different time; we didn't have mobiles and any calls were in work, quick and matter of fact. I'd usually left the house by 6.30 in the morning, to get my hours in work done, and then it was off to the hospital, sometimes not getting home until midnight. Our communication tended to be through messages left with colleagues or house mates. At the beginning, I remember leaving the hospital and going to meet him at about 10 o'clock, at his running club or the snooker hall; that was always quite fraught, as I was knackered, and felt guilty. That time was never enough for him; it became a bit of a give an inch, and he'd try to take a mile scenario. He'd want to go for a late drink, or to come back to mine, but I knew I had to be up within 5 hours or so. It became easier to just stay at the hospital. I thought he understood, I'd have time to sort it all out and make it up to him, once we knew what was going on. Not so.

With my depression ex, that was completely different, and we would go days or weeks with no contact at all. I remember it being months at one very low point. When he was having his counselling it was so hard, as I really didn't know what was going on. On the rare occasions that he did text, every text started with 'sorry'. Phone calls were non-existent; a bit of a come down from the 4 or 5 hour calls we would rack up every night, when one of us was working away. If we did meet, it would either be fantastic, or there would be huge, uncomfortable silences, and then he would become bad-tempered with himself, or throw himself a guilt-trip, or ask why I was still around, and he wasn't worth it. Eventually we'd have a break-through, and my usual, wonderful partner would be back.

I think I was probably more patient than most, because of what I'd been through myself, and he was worth it. Would I do it again? Yes, but my approach would be different.

Ah fair enough. And yes I can understand that then

bagpussbear

Just wanted to wish you all the best Gonzo for the weekend.

Whilst the signs aren't good, I shall keep my fingers crossed that it goes well.

gonzo127

bagpussbear wrote: »

Just wanted to wish you all the best Gonzo for the weekend.

Whilst the signs aren't good, I shall keep my fingers crossed that it goes well.

Thanks. Still got a few days till then and who knows what will happen by then

Primrose

You obviously have a lot of personal stresses of your own on your agenda with your own health and those of your parents so I,m surprised your girlfriend, if she cared for you, would not be realising how all these pressures are mounting up on you.
I hope your proposed weekend encounter with her works out for the best. I’m taking the long view here. Sometimes only thenoassage of time, viewed with hindsight is the best judge.

gonzo127

Primrose wrote: »

You obviously have a lot of personal stresses of your own on your agenda with your own health and those of your parents so I,m surprised your girlfriend, if she cared for you, would not be realising how all these pressures are mounting up on you.
I hope your proposed weekend encounter with her works out for the best. I’m taking the long view here. Sometimes only thenoassage of time, viewed with hindsight is the best judge.

well she doesnt know about the biopsy since i only went to the doctors about a cough i have had for a while just over a week ago and since i havent spoken to her, she couldnt know, as i havent actually told anyone and wont till i know what the results are. i also dont really want to tell her till i know if she wants to try and fix things, as i am worth more than someone staying with me just because i might have cancer. but she knows about my parents.

and yes im sure everything will work out for the best in the long run. just got to get there first lol

Primrose

Well I’m sure the results of your biopsy will be concerning you. All of us on here will have our fingers crossed for you. It easy to ask oneself why all these worrying things seem to fall on one’s head at the same time.