Living with parents in middle age

fairy_lights

I think it depends on the situation. One of my colleagues is in his 30's and has never left home, but his parents have a very large house and often work abroad so he's effectively the caretaker of the house while they're away, pays the bills, sorts repairs etc.
But I know other people who are still living at home who have all their meals cooked for them, don't do any housework, have no idea how to pay a bill and are molly coddled beyond belief.

Angry_Bear

Hermia wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about someone living with parents so much as what their role is in the household. I have met guys in their 40s who have never cooked a meal or washed their clothes because mum does it. They have also never dealt with utility bills or council tax because their parents do all the 'admin' for the house. I would run screaming from someone like that because I don't want to be someone's mum and I don't want to have to teach someone to be an adult. My friend married someone like this and she said it was so tiring having to teach someone how to do basic life tasks. On the other hand I know people who moved back home to save for a house and very much lived as an adult and pulled their weight.

I think that's the difference between people who HAVE lived somewhere else and then moved back with their parents and people who've never left.
I'd be very wary about someone who had never lived away from their parents for exactly the reasons you say. I don't want to have to "take care" of someone and I don't want to deal with someone still learning basic life skills like how to manage a household budget, groceries, cleaning etc. at my age (mid-30s).

Gavin83

elsien wrote: »

I have a relative who still lives at home and is likely to do so for some years yet. He is a carer to a disabled family member, in addition to working and just completing a PhD.
Even if he stays for the longer haul, he is (to use your words) neither pathetic, lazy nor lacking in ambition, having already set up his own business. Sometimes you need to look beyond the stereotype.

That's fine but he has to accept that to be a carer you effectively put your life on hold in a number of ways. While I have the utmost respect for people who are carers I can also totally understand why someone wouldn't wish to date those who live with their parent as a live in carer.

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

So you'd dismiss someone just because they lived with their parents?


That's a little judgemental isn't it?

People are free to be as judgmental as they wish while dating, really don't think there's anything wrong with this.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Obviously there are exceptions, such as somone providing care for an older relative, temporarily taking advantage of nearly-free rent whilst studying or starting a business etc.

I know some a few years older then myself (I'm nearly 40) who has never left home. Has a job, runs a car, lots of hobbies, but still lives in the same bedroom they grew up in. I do find it odd to be honest; suggests a lack of ambition and maturity, and a fear of change and responsibility. That sounds rather harsh I realise. But I've seen someone in a relationship with an overtly "normal" guy (good looking, clever, rich, good job, good company etc) who turned out to be your classic only child Mummy's Boy who still took their washing home to her every fortnight and literally did not know how to cook for himself. These people will never settle down into adult relationships because they are still essentially teenagers.

AubreyMac

maman wrote: »

There are so many 'what ifs?' with your statements OP.

Your friend living in a shared house is independent of her parents and while she has to consider her housemates they don't dictate how and when she comes and goes. However, she can see, that if she'd stayed at home and saved she might have her own property by now.

So what are you saying? Is your friend foolish to rent a room when she could be living at home and saving. Is she just renting a room to save or because that's all she can afford? If low income's a problem then it's unlikely she'd have ever afforded to buy a place.

She (friend) is the one who feels a bit down about her living situation and fears it puts people off. Mainly because she's now noticing that her housemates are younger than her and her friends/family are now having their own homes.


Problem with private rental is that it's difficult to get out of. High rents means she's not able to save much and with the price of property and requirement of deposits increasing makes it harder. She believes she might be renting a bedroom for the rest of her life.

AubreyMac

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

So you'd dismiss someone just because they lived with their parents?

That's a little judgemental isn't it?

Yes......so?


I'm sure we all have some sort of specification for a partner.

Izadora

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I think that's the difference between people who HAVE lived somewhere else and then moved back with their parents and people who've never left.
I'd be very wary about someone who had never lived away from their parents for exactly the reasons you say. I don't want to have to "take care" of someone and I don't want to deal with someone still learning basic life skills like how to manage a household budget, groceries, cleaning etc. at my age (mid-30s).

Although it would very often be the case that the person who'd stayed at home would be the clueless one it's not always how it works. My husband moved out of home at 19 and, other than 3 years at college, I lived with my parents until my mid-30s. I'm much, much better at running a household than he is.

maman

AubreyMac wrote: »

She (friend) is the one who feels a bit down about her living situation and fears it puts people off. Mainly because she's now noticing that her housemates are younger than her and her friends/family are now having their own homes.


Problem with private rental is that it's difficult to get out of. High rents means she's not able to save much and with the price of property and requirement of deposits increasing makes it harder. She believes she might be renting a bedroom for the rest of her life.

That's what I found so naïve and stereotypical in your post.


You can see how your friend is potentially trapped in a living situation that she isn't pleased with. Presumably she doesn't earn a high enough salary in the current housing climate. She's choosing to live in a shared house rather like a student might whereas others might prefer to stay at home and get a deposit for their own place (assuming they can afford the rent/mortgage eventually).


So would you approve if someone were to look down on your friend as a potential partner because her living arrangements didn't come up to their standards? Even when you know why/how she's got stuck there? Is she lazy and lacking in ambition?

AubreyMac

maman wrote: »

That's what I found so naïve and stereotypical in your post.

You can see how your friend is potentially trapped in a living situation that she isn't pleased with. Presumably she doesn't earn a high enough salary in the current housing climate. She's choosing to live in a shared house rather like a student might whereas others might prefer to stay at home and get a deposit for their own place (assuming they can afford the rent/mortgage eventually).

So would you approve if someone were to look down on your friend as a potential partner because her living arrangements didn't come up to their standards? Even when you know why/how she's got stuck there? Is she lazy and lacking in ambition?

She makes statements such as "I'll never be able to buy my own place" or "I wouldn't be able to have my own place without a partner".


I can see why someone may be put off by that, coz it indicates wanting a relationship with the expectation of having an 'escape route' provided for.


As I'm on the dating scene, many men my own age do not own their own homes. Many have student debts but they have a uni education to show for it. The only debt I have is a mortgage. I don't have qualifications (I only have 3 gcse's). Therefore I'm not likely to ever be a high flyer in the work front. I know this does put people off me but that doesn't bother me. I work a job that I'm content in (don't love it but don't dread each morning either) and it's enough to pay for my cost of living. Careerwise I'm not ambitious but in life I am.

gettingtheresometime

AubreyMac wrote: »

I'm sure we all have some sort of specification for a partner.

Yes but I hardly think their present living arrangements qualifies as a specification unless you were hoping to move in & then claim half their property!