Responsbility of grandparent who has 6 living adult children

Pollycat

LKRDN_Morgan wrote: »

OK she's not 100% your responsibility but I don't think taking an hour or 2 out of your week to check on an elderly relative is considered a chore. She's your family.
I would at the very least agree to do her shopping and visit once a week. Kill 2 birds with one stone and order it online and be there for when it's delivered so you can put it away as well as seeing she's alright.

From what the OP has said, these brothers expect her to do stuff for her gran and the more she does, the more they'll expect.

She appears to have alienated her sons (not sure about her only daughter) and they probably see the OP as a way of getting out of dealing with their Mum.

The OP has her own busy life and it sounds like it will get even busier soon.
Starting something that she can't commit to for the future is just making the problem hers, not with who it really belong to - i.e. her 5 uncles and her mother.

LunaLovegood

Hi again

I really am grateful for all of your responses.

Primrose- the idea of the letter was a great one & I like how you have worded it. It may certainly come in useful the next time I receive a message from someone about all of this. I struggle to be assertive, so having this response is really useful, thank you.

LKRDN_Morgan wrote: »

OK she's not 100% your responsibility but I don't think taking an hour or 2 out of your week to check on an elderly relative is considered a chore. She's your family.
I would at the very least agree to do her shopping and visit once a week. Kill 2 birds with one stone and order it online and be there for when it's delivered so you can put it away as well as seeing she's alright.

I'm sorry but I simply cannot afford to do a weekly shop for another person who lives at home & therefore eats constantly (she's been overweight all her life which has contributed significantly to her poor health). Also, the point is not that it's a 'chore', it's more that its the beginning of an escalating list of needs she is going to have. I also don't like the woman very much (none of us really do- hence why everyone else moved away) so I resent the idea of having to see her every week. She has a seriously negative effect on my self esteem & brings me down.

Again, I appreciate the responses a lot. It's given me a bit more confidence to speak up for myself the next time this comes up :beer:

UKTigerlily

I haven't seen anyone say to pay for the shopping, just to do a shop for her? I personally think that if you went weekly but your heart wasn't in it, it'd be a not so nice thing to do; I know I for one want people here that *want* to be, so please don't feel guilty if you simply don't want to, even if you have loads of time!

I would just call when *you* want/drop in & if she says anything, say sorry Granny, I wasn't able to get over

If the rest start just say 'You know how it is, it's not easy to find the time to run your own house and have down time and help with Granny; but i've been looking into what help is available as we're all so busy & you may want to look at x/y/z leaflets/web links/places'

LunaLovegood

Hi,

Sorry just to clarify, I was referring to LKRDN_MORGAN saying I could do her shopping online & have it delivered for when I'm going to call over- neither my granny, mum or uncles have offered to give me any money to do the food shopping so anything like online would have to be paid for by me.

Also, this would still involve me regularly having to call over & I can't gurantee it would be the same day every week or even if it would be every week so I wouldn't want her relying on me in any capacity.

Pollycat

LunaLovegood wrote: »

I also don't like the woman very much (none of us really do- hence why everyone else moved away) so I resent the idea of having to see her every week. She has a seriously negative effect on my self esteem & brings me down.

It sounds like you already understand the negative effect of someone who drags you down.
Never underestimate that ability that some people have.

You will have a lot on your plate and you really don't need someone chipping away at your confidence and happiness.

I've read lots of threads on here from posters who don't like their family, some from daughters about their Mums.
Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to like them or put up with them.

Stay strong and good luck.

Mojisola

LunaLovegood wrote: »

the idea of the letter was a great one & I like how you have worded it. It may certainly come in useful the next time I receive a message from someone about all of this.

I struggle to be assertive, so having this response is really useful, thank you.

If you do send a letter, make it from you and your husband so they can see they can't badger you alone to become her carer.

Your husband's life would be adversely affected if you took this on so he should have a say in it as well.

LKRDN_Morgan

LunaLovegood wrote: »

Hi,

Sorry just to clarify, I was referring to LKRDN_MORGAN saying I could do her shopping online & have it delivered for when I'm going to call over- neither my granny, mum or uncles have offered to give me any money to do the food shopping so anything like online would have to be paid for by me.

Also, this would still involve me regularly having to call over & I can't gurantee it would be the same day every week or even if it would be every week so I wouldn't want her relying on me in any capacity.

I never said you had to pay for it. It's perfectly reasonable to ask for money prior to doing anyone's shopping. And the point of ordering online is you pick the delivery slot to fit in with you but obviously that's not going to work for you either.

LKRDN_Morgan

Pollycat wrote: »

From what the OP has said, these brothers expect her to do stuff for her gran and the more she does, the more they'll expect.

She appears to have alienated her sons (not sure about her only daughter) and they probably see the OP as a way of getting out of dealing with their Mum.

The OP has her own busy life and it sounds like it will get even busier soon.
Starting something that she can't commit to for the future is just making the problem hers, not with who it really belong to - i.e. her 5 uncles and her mother.

Since when has being a newlywed and working part time been a busy life? That parts so irrelevant

What you're willing to do and what you're expected to do are 2 different things. They can expect as much as they like but if the OP only agrees to do x amount then that's all she has to do.

Pollycat

LKRDN_Morgan wrote: »

Since when has being a newlywed and working part time been a busy life? That parts so irrelevant

What you're willing to do and what you're expected to do are 2 different things. They can expect as much as they like but if the OP only agrees to do x amount then that's all she has to do.

The OP has just left a full time job to go part time, she will be studying full time in September.
I think - having just got married - she deserves a bit of 'me' time before starting that full time study and maybe keeping on the part time job.
She says as much in her first post:

LunaLovegood wrote: »

But I want to enjoy my life with my new husband and studying etc. which they have all done.

You may think that's irrelevant but I don't.

Perhaps we should leave it to the OP to decide if it's relevant or not.
If she feels that she has enough on her plate right now without doing online shopping for her gran, then fair play to her.

I'm not trying to resolve issues that would result in the OP doing stuff for her gran (e.g. online shopping).
I'm trying to say that it's OK not to feel obligated to someone just because they are family.

chesky

You see, I don't think the OP should get involved in the details of :
Who is paying for what
When shopping will be done
Involving her husband

And, to be absolutely fair, it doesn't seem that the grandmother particularly either wants or needs her involvement, even though she may enjoy her visits.

I think the OP should just say no, I'm not doing it, it's up to you. Once she gets involved in the discussion, she's either have to get really stroppy, or start being defensive.