Responsbility of grandparent who has 6 living adult children

LunaLovegood

Hi everyone :j

Just wanted to ask some opinions about a bit of an uncomfortable situation I'm in.

My grandmother is 82 this month & although very much still mentally healthy, is very limited physically. She is still driving currently however her mobility is very poor & we think she may not renew her DLA car in September (hoping so as really its too dangerous to other road users)

She is fiercely independent & a very intelligent woman. She refuses to accept any home help other than a cleaner that comes in daily & point blank will never go into a home.

She has 6 adult children. 3 live in foreign countries, 2 live a few hours away and 1 lives the other side of the city with his family. The problem is, they are starting to badger me about taking on more responsibility for looking after her i.e. doing her food shopping every week, calling in regularly, and I can only imagine *other* duties when she starts to need it.

I'm feeling a bit resentful by all this. They've all upped & left her & send her a few quid a month & visit her maybe once a year and because I'm the oldest (but by no means only) grandchild still living nearby, they're just insinuating I should be stepping up.

Now, dont get me wrong. I love my family and my grandmother. However we are not very close. She's driven all her children away so you can imagine. She's a difficult woman. I have just left full time work into a part time role & will be studying full time come September. I also plan to have children in the next year or so. My husband & I live off very little money. I dont see how I could either afford or have the time to start looking after an 82 year old when I'm studying/working/pregnant/have kids and to be honest I dont see why I should. They all make money, she has money & I believe she should have a carer doing these things & let me get on with my life like they all have.

I am struggling to speak up to them about this because I just feel like what I am saying sounds incredibly selfish. But I want to enjoy my life with my new husband and studying etc. which they have all done. They are saying its my moral obligation...what about them?

Any thoughts? p.s. we have tried online shopping etc with her but she wont do it. And its not just getting her a food shop, thats just the beginning of what I expect will become more and more like a carer role....help!!

elona

If as a grandchild you have a moral obligation, then how much more does a child have? By their reasoning at least double - multiplied by each child.

Sorry to be flippant but they are being ridiculous. If they were all contributing a certain amount per week and offering it to you as a way of paying for your time and effort then that is one thing - even then - you have a right to your own life.

Maybe passive aggressive of me but I would be strongly tempted to break down in tears in front of grandmother and showing her the pressure you have been put under.

LunaLovegood

Thanks for your reply.

Those are my thoughts exactly, how can they harp on about my obligations, what about theirs? They all moved away from her as young as they could (and they are all in their 50's now) so they know what she is like, but now that's she getting older they obviously feel guilty. Instead of someone stepping up they send her some money every month & are now badgering me. It's as much her fault too. She is so stubborn, she refuses to move out of this massive house & also won't accept any home help.

I also have a cousin (one of their kids) who lives literally 5 minutes from me and is only a couple of years younger. He's not married & lives in one of their houses (one of the ones that moved abroad) so has no other responsibilites. Yet I dont see anything being said to him.

Officially I havent said anything when they've mentioned all this, just sort of 'hmm yeah we need to discuss a plan' or 'well something needs to change'. So I havent said I'm going to start doing all this. But neither have they come up with another solution.

scd3scd4

Its a hard one. But your nan had her life and you and your husband have a right to have your own one.


If anyone should be looking after her it should be her own children. be careful what you start. As it is harder to stop once started than it is not start at all. By all means do your share, I am sure you love her but you are not on any obligation to pick up others responsibilities. Maybe all them autistic family members could share the cost of home help.


I would be firm and explain just as you have above. I am sure you can pop in once or twice a week to help out here and there with little things. But if she needs a carer then she needs a carer.


Don't swallow the moral obligations. If they feel so strong then let them move back or have the nan live with them. They all knew this time would come when they moved away and started their new lives. I tell you straight some wont like it and may even not speak to you or show off. You have to decide if their happiness and your nans is worth more than your own.


BTW........where are all these sons and daughters children??


What does your mum and dad say??

LunaLovegood

My mum is unfortunately the worst one for it. She has just recently moved a couple of hours away. She was the one doing the most for her (the other 5 are sons) and so it wasn't an issue before for them all. But now because she's gone its as if they think it should pass onto me.

The other grandchildren..well as I say one of them is only a couple of years younger than me & he literally never ever visits her. He used her DLA car for a while before he got his own, then stopped visiting her completely. The other grandchildren all live abroad or at uni in other parts of the UK. So it is very much down to me apparently. I'm so angry at them all. To be honest we aren't that close as a family anyway due to them all living far away anyway so I don't care if they fall out with me. It wouldnt make much of a change to my life.

She could easily live another 10 years. Even I helped out now, there is no way I could do it long term. I think its time for them all & her to face facts. Just looks like unfortunately I'm going to have the horrible task of forcing them to.

I have no issue with calling in the odd time for a cuppa and helping her with odd jobs. But she needs so much more than that and I am not willing to be a doormat & let them force me to.

scd3scd4

LunaLovegood wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.



I also have a cousin (one of their kids) who lives literally 5 minutes from me and is only a couple of years younger. He's not married & lives in one of their houses (one of the ones that moved abroad) so has no other responsibilites. Yet I dont see anything being said to him.

Officially I havent said anything when they've mentioned all this, just sort of 'hmm yeah we need to discuss a plan' or 'well something needs to change'. So I havent said I'm going to start doing all this. But neither have they come up with another solution.

Some families think this is a granddaughters responsibility and not a male!!!!!!!!!

LunaLovegood

You know that's part of whats annoying me too. This pressure isnt being put on my male cousin who frankly, has much more time on his hands! I'm all for doing my fair share, but my idea of what's fair compared to my shovenist 5 uncles is apparently very different!

scd3scd4

LunaLovegood wrote: »

She could easily live another 10 years. Even I helped out now, there is no way I could do it long term. I think its time for them all & her to face facts. Just looks like unfortunately I'm going to have the horrible task of forcing them to.

I have no issue with calling in the odd time for a cuppa and helping her with odd jobs. But she needs so much more than that and I am not willing to be a doormat & let them force me to.

Seems like you know what you need to do and the reasons. For what its worth I agree and think you have the balance just right.


All the best.......................and be strong! ;-].

LunaLovegood

Thanks for the responses. I feel a bit better & stronger about it now.

They have been making me feel awful for basically refusing to help an old woman. But they are not being realistic about what help she needs & neither is she. Between her & the 6 of them I think they can come up with a better solution that me doing everything when I've just got married & am returning to study and wanting to start a family!

Mojisola

LunaLovegood wrote: »

She is fiercely independent & a very intelligent woman. She refuses to accept any home help other than a cleaner that comes in daily & point blank will never go into a home.

She has 6 adult children.

The problem is, they are starting to badger me about taking on more responsibility for looking after her i.e. doing her food shopping every week, calling in regularly, and I can only imagine *other* duties when she starts to need it.

Just say no.

If they are on the phone to you and they start, put the phone down.

If their mother needs help and can afford it, she can pay someone.

If she doesn't have the money, the children can all chip in or they can organise social services to do an assessment.

If you want to have you own life, you and your husband will need to stand firm.

scd3scd4

One final thought..........


She is so stubborn, she refuses to move out of this massive house & also won't accept any home help.


At 82 your nan still wants to drive and live her life as she want to a?.........now there lays a lesson. lol.