Responsbility of grandparent who has 6 living adult children

LunaLovegood

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for all of your replies, I really appreciate your thoughts.

100% I have no issue with calling in to her once a week or every other week. But with work & study etc. I can't commit to the same day every week. I also agree with other posters that it would only be the start of more & more responsibilites as her needs increase, give an inch they'll take a mile.

Whilst I agree that at the moment she is very independent (driving, mentally still 100%), I do feel time is running out on that. She really shouldn't be driving, I've been in the car with her and she has no movement to check around her and sways between lanes, has no reaction speed, drives about 10mph everywhere. It is a case of when, not if, she would cause an accident. I think she knows this too as she has mentioned about not renewing the car so that will effectively end her doing her own shopping etc.

It is going to be the case that within the next 6 months-1 year, she will probably need help with cooking meals, dressing/washing herself etc as her mobility has really gone downhill. So whilst they are saying it's just a case of getting her food shopping, I can see it very quickly escalating & I am not in the position to do that. I also can't afford to do shopping for another person (there hasn't been any mention of giving me money for any of this)

I like the idea of just putting it blunty to them all by asking who is going to take her to live with them when she can't look after herself, but won't move into assisted living or have any professional help at home. That would fairly put them on the spot & maybe force them to start taking it seriously that they can't keep ignoring the fact a long term solution needs to be thought of.

missprice

Luna, I just want to add another reason to not take on too much.
A Friend was asked to cook her mother's evening meal every day. They lived down the street, it wouldn't have been difficult. Whilst she was more than willing to do just this,I think other help was organised for other requirements, her husband came up with holidays/sick.
What would happen if for instance the family wanted a holiday? Who would make mother's meals then or would mother go hungry as no extra care and no one else willing. Social services did say they would arrange it but would need some weeks notice. Which is when she realised if she was sick no one would feed her mum.
She ended up not doing it.

happyandcontented

Why did your mother move away? Maybe it is time to gently remind her that she chose to do that and so her own mother obviously wasn't her top priority. Bluntly, why should she now become yours?

Aside from doing what you do I certainly wouldn't do any more. In fact I would become unavailable due to work/education commitments.

Her five sons need to step up to the plate and organise some kind of rota and/or outside help. Your mother can organise internet shopping deliveries remotely for her and ensure all bills are on DD. The family could get her registered for the council scheme which alerts someone if she presses a call button which is usually worn like a pendant around the neck. If cooking is an issue/becomes an issue she could sign up for a supply of meals from Wiltshire meals, which are delivered regularly. There are lots of things that can be done which, once in place, will mean she is still living where she wants to be but is propped up/supported in her independence. If she has the money she could employ a "housekeeper" for a few hours a day, which would mean someone was visiting every day and could alert others if the need arose.

You need to be strong and say that you cannot do more than you do, then offer the above suggestions, step back and let her children sort it out.

chesky

Nice to see the board united.

pollypenny

justme111 wrote: »

I think you have to have it clear in your head - you are not abandoning a vulnerable person. You are still going to speak to her and visit the same as before. Some of her increasing needs you surely will be able to meet Because you live closest and because you are in more contact with her historically. The key word is SOME. Like occasional shopping or likely be first in hospital or if she wants someone to be with her on some meetings. That is it. Once you have it clear in your head it will be easier to speak to them and not take on more than you comfortable to. What exact demands have you had up to now from any of them ? How was it phrased?

I agree with most if this apart from going to meetings with her. If you do this, bodies will see you as the second contact. She has children. One of them must step up.

We had been going to see and help my aunt, 300 miles and six hours away. However, I've told her and a cousin who lives nearer that we can't do it anymore. At 74 it's too far for OH to drive.

belfastgirl23

Well done for spotting this ahead of time! Often by the time you see something like this it's too late to do anything about it.

I'm with the others of course! But also I think you should plan now for a catastrophe - it could seem heartless but what if gran has a stroke/accident etc? Of course as nearest you would be the first emergency contact. But what then? Have a plan of action re who to contact and what to say to make your limits very clear. Whilst you can passively resist now you might find it harder in this circumstance.

And if uncles are calling, don't be afraid to ask what their own children are doing re grandma and point out the same circumstances apply to you (busy, other commitments etc). And say really clearly that you presume uncle isn't saying you should do everything cos you're closer cos it's obviously not all your responsibility. Also surely kids and grandkids want to spend time with grandma in her declining years? Maybe they need a family rota for this so one child/grandchild visits every month? ((That's how I'd be putting it anyway, put the onus on them to explain rather than you having to justify your every movement!!)). Let them tell you they can't bear to visit then encourage them to reflect on that

LannieDuck

I would simply reply to every enquiry "why aren't you asking Uncle X [who lives 5 mins away] to do that?".

I don't think the responsibility should fall on just one of your grandma's children when she has 6 - it should be shared around - but it makes a point. Why does uncle's gender make him incapable of looking after his mother?

Your mother/uncles need to sort this out rather than passing the responsibility onto their children. That's almost the definition of selfish.

2gorgeousgirls

No way is it ur responsibility to care for your grandmother. She has 6 children, albeit some r abroad but it is up to her children to find solutions to problems. She has a cleaner, shopping can be done via the internet by her children if she doesn't want to do it herself. I would never expect my children to care for my mother, I would like to think they would visit her and while there just check if there's anything she needs but that doesn't mean I would expect them to do whatever she needs. If it was a cuppa or helping her move/ get something while there then fair enough but if it was an issue that could wait I would fully expect them to let me or my siblings know and we would sort it. You are entitled to live your life without having to care for her. It would be different if she had no living children but she does, let them sort it. As for the ones living an hour or so away, that's no distance at all so don't let them push u into taking on the role of carer. Good luck with your studies and your plans for children x

maman

LannieDuck wrote: »

I would simply reply to every enquiry "why aren't you asking Uncle X [who lives 5 mins away] to do that?".

I don't think the responsibility should fall on just one of your grandma's children when she has 6 - it should be shared around - but it makes a point. Why does uncle's gender make him incapable of looking after his mother?

Your mother/uncles need to sort this out rather than passing the responsibility onto their children. That's almost the definition of selfish.

I think it's a male cousin that lives nearby and OP is a granddaughter. So the responsibility seems to be bypassing all the children (including OP's own mum who has moved an hour or so away) and landed on OP.


If I were you OP I'd just carry on doing what you're doing now i.e. calling in occasionally at no set interval and just having a coffee. Tell your nan all about your plans. It's not as if it's her that's pushing you into helping. If the uncles bother you then tell them to have it out with your mother. I wouldn't get into any detail of discussing what help she may or may not need now or in the future just tell them that you're not one of her children and it's up to her own children to make arrangements.

LannieDuck

Ah, I thought it was the same as the child who lived on the other side of the city: "She has 6 adult children. 3 live in foreign countries, 2 live a few hours away and 1 lives the other side of the city with his family."

In that case, i would direct all queries to the uncle who lives on the other side of the city. (The cousin has no more duty here than the OP does.)