Responsbility of grandparent who has 6 living adult children

sheramber

No is a complete sentence.

Do not make excuses as they will knock them down. Just say no, you cannot do it.

Will your husband be happy for you to say he will not agree to you doing it. My husband did that when my mother became too demanding of my time.

She could try to blackmail me but knew it wouldn't work with him.

Geoff1963

It's called "Emotional Blackmail", a game of "chicken" based on guilt. They should be ashamed.

My husband & I live off very little money.

That will be why you work late at the pub to make ends meet. You are so exhausted, it is often a struggle to get up each day for your paper round. It's all cash in hand to evade tax, but that's how it has to be.

I also plan to have children in the next year or so.

Private IVF is very expensive, and your doctor has suggested you might need a lot of that.

they are starting to badger me about taking on more responsibility for looking after her

When it becomes really necessary, you'll need lots of spare time and money in the bank, so you need to "keep your powder dry" for that. You need to "repair the roof before it starts raining".

calling in regularly

I'd recommend the adult children set up video calling, so they can keep in touch without having to visit.

Primrose

How about a collective letter to your uncles along the following lines

Dear A, B C D etc

I!m concerned about granny and think the time may soon be coming when she needs more support.

I know you've all previously relied on Mum to do all the main caring for her but now she's moved away I think the time has come when the rest of you need to accept more responsibility for her care. Forgive me for being forthright but I'm getting the impression you seem to feel that being male exempts you from taking on any practical responsibilities for her.

I will do what I can but it can only be on an intermittent basis now I'm newly married, have additional commitments of my own and am about to return to full time studying next month .

I realise it seems a convenient solution for everybody to try and place the responsibility for your mum on me as the person living closest to her but it's not going to work for the reasons I've explained.

I think it's only honest to flag this up now so that you all have time to liaise together and work out a practical solution before an emergency occurs. i know none of you see your mum very often but she is deteriorating and I think it might be a good idea if you could raise with her the possibility of getting some Power of Attorney arrangements in place and perhaps set upa rota for more regular visits to her.

I attach the contact details for some domestic help/care agencies in the area (Do some research for these) which I hope will help you all to line up some reliable support for the increasing care I think she will soon require.."

They wont like it of course but make a stand now or they'll all be dumping all the responsibility on you.

BrassicWoman

when they pay you a career wage, and contribute to a pension, for you to look after her, then look after her

until then, the sacrifice is unfair

It's perfectly possible to arrange paid care in this country from overseas. I suggest they start looking into it.

maman

BrassicWoman wrote: »

when they pay you a career wage, and contribute to a pension, for you to look after her, then look after her

until then, the sacrifice is unfair

It's perfectly possible to arrange paid care in this country from overseas. I suggest they start looking into it.

If I were OP I wouldn't get involved at all, not being paid or writing letters or anything else. I'd suggest that any calls from uncles are passed to OP's mum and just carry on with the occasional visits and keep out of it.

Primrose

maman wrote: »

If I were OP I wouldn't get involved at all, not being paid or writing letters or anything else. I'd suggest that any calls from uncles are passed to OP's mum and just carry on with the occasional visits and keep out of it.

Yes it's tempting to do that but this will probably mean they all go on for longer with their heads in the sand thinking they've got a "built in" solution just waiting to kick in. It will take time for the reality of the situation to dawn and for them to wake up and smell the coffee, especially those who never visit, so I think the monkey needs to be pushed back on their backs quickly, given that it can only needs one unexpected incident for the whole situation to suddenly collapse on them.


If our poster has done all she can to get this situation moving I think she will have a clearer conscience. I don't know the role of her mother now in the current situation. Maybe she can be encouraged to galvanise the other siblings into some action.

Elijah_Bailey

As a man I do not wish to sound like a chauvinist but it may be that the male members of your family think that you, being female, would be easier to manipulate than your male cousin. Women are more likely to react to emotional blackmail than a young male.

My advice is do not start caring for her because once you start, the rest of the family know they have you trapped into a cycle of increasing work and responsibility.

My wife's own family (mainly her sister) tried to trap her into "just looking in on mum" on a daily basis. My wife is far too nice and she is an easy touch for family guilt but with my full support she soon stopped her visits as she could not cope with her own unpleasant mother's emotional blackmail such as "why do you only come here once a day?" and the like.

She could not face her selfish family and the incoming guilt trip as they would have only started the pressure anew so I take the blame from them on her behalf. I have made it clear she will not be their free carer and so I cheerfully accept all their blame and hate. This is okay with me as I do not care what they think.

Please be firm with your family and make it clear that the proposal is not acceptable. No doubt you will get the full guilt treatment but it will ease off when they realize there is no weakness in you and there is no room for negotiation.

Remember that there is a big difference between being a caring relative and being the family doormat.

Pollycat

Primrose wrote: »

Yes it's tempting to do that but this will probably mean they all go on for longer with their heads in the sand thinking they've got a "built in" solution just waiting to kick in. It will take time for the reality of the situation to dawn and for them to wake up and smell the coffee, especially those who never visit, so I think the monkey needs to be pushed back on their backs quickly, given that it can only needs one unexpected incident for the whole situation to suddenly collapse on them.


If our poster has done all she can to get this situation moving I think she will have a clearer conscience. I don't know the role of her mother now in the current situation. Maybe she can be encouraged to galvanise the other siblings into some action.

If the OP wrote a letter like this, she wouldn't be getting rid of the monkey (imho):

Primrose wrote: »

How about a collective letter to your uncles along the following lines

Dear A, B C D etc

I!m concerned about granny and think the time may soon be coming when she needs more support.

I know you've all previously relied on Mum to do all the main caring for her but now she's moved away I think the time has come when the rest of you need to accept more responsibility for her care. Forgive me for being forthright but I'm getting the impression you seem to feel that being male exempts you from taking on any practical responsibilities for her.

I will do what I can but it can only be on an intermittent basis now I'm newly married, have additional commitments of my own and am about to return to full time studying next month .

I realise it seems a convenient solution for everybody to try and place the responsibility for your mum on me as the person living closest to her but it's not going to work for the reasons I've explained.

I think it's only honest to flag this up now so that you all have time to liaise together and work out a practical solution before an emergency occurs. i know none of you see your mum very often but she is deteriorating and I think it might be a good idea if you could raise with her the possibility of getting some Power of Attorney arrangements in place and perhaps set upa rota for more regular visits to her.

I attach the contact details for some domestic help/care agencies in the area (Do some research for these) which I hope will help you all to line up some reliable support for the increasing care I think she will soon require.."

They wont like it of course but make a stand now or they'll all be dumping all the responsibility on you.

Especially the bit I've put in bold.

I think the OP's Mother - i.e. the sister of these 5 brothers and one of the 6 children of the person under discussion should be doing more to resolve this than the OP.

Primrose

I think the point made that women, especially younger ones, are more easily manipulated is a valid one and marital support is vital in such cases to ensure that a family carer isn't pushed into total physical exhaustion.

Sounds as if the OP's mother has already done more than a fair share of the previous support before she moved away. If Granny is as stubborn and difficult as she has been described, then she's probably created an environment where nobody is going to rush to volunteer.

Perhaps a lesson for us all as we inevitably slide into old age and start needing more help!

LKRDN_Morgan

OK she's not 100% your responsibility but I don't think taking an hour or 2 out of your week to check on an elderly relative is considered a chore. She's your family.
I would at the very least agree to do her shopping and visit once a week. Kill 2 birds with one stone and order it online and be there for when it's delivered so you can put it away as well as seeing she's alright.