Responsbility of grandparent who has 6 living adult children

Red-Squirrel_2

Primrose wrote: »

How about a collective letter to your uncles along the following lines

Dear A, B C D etc

I!m concerned about granny and think the time may soon be coming when she needs more support.

I know you've all previously relied on Mum to do all the main caring for her but now she's moved away I think the time has come when the rest of you need to accept more responsibility for her care. Forgive me for being forthright but I'm getting the impression you seem to feel that being male exempts you from taking on any practical responsibilities for her.

I will do what I can but it can only be on an intermittent basis now I'm newly married, have additional commitments of my own and am about to return to full time studying next month .

I realise it seems a convenient solution for everybody to try and place the responsibility for your mum on me as the person living closest to her but it's not going to work for the reasons I've explained.

I think it's only honest to flag this up now so that you all have time to liaise together and work out a practical solution before an emergency occurs. i know none of you see your mum very often but she is deteriorating and I think it might be a good idea if you could raise with her the possibility of getting some Power of Attorney arrangements in place and perhaps set upa rota for more regular visits to her.

I attach the contact details for some domestic help/care agencies in the area (Do some research for these) which I hope will help you all to line up some reliable support for the increasing care I think she will soon require.."

They wont like it of course but make a stand now or they'll all be dumping all the responsibility on you.

The thing is, none of her children have any obligation to do any caring for her or to be PoA etc. if they don't want to.

It doesn't sound like she's the nicest person in the world, and sometimes you do reap what you sow in life.

Doody

Hi Luna,

I'm with all the posters encouraging you not to get pushed into this. A preemptive letter does sound like a good idea, but there are bound to be difficult phone calls as well.

It could well be a good idea to look into various assertiveness skills techniques. If you are not used to saying 'No' it would be a good idea to start on less important issues rather than jumping in with a difficult family situation. Having back up from your partner will strengthen you. You could also practice with him what you want to say.

Assertiveness is clear direct communication, making clear your feelings and needs whilst respecting the other person.

Using the broken record technique of repeating your point without getting dragged into side issues is useful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZynhvBShqU

also more assertiveness techniques.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5xSLRNcNTo.

tikki999

Agree with all posters saying DON'T DO IT!

It sounds like your gran has the means and wherewithal to sort out her own care, shopping etc. Drop in whenever it suits you. If/when you get calls from mum or uncles and the talk turns to care for their mum then firmly let them know you will not be taking on any care duties. IF they are concerned about her then they need to discuss this with her and with each other. DO NOT engage with the conversation, i.e. whether or not your cousin 'should' do anything etc. Staying out of the conversation will ensure that you don't become ensnared, i.e. 'well I could pop in and...' NO! Explaining yourself or trying to 'justify' your position also means you are engaging int he conversation.

Stand your ground. You are aware that this is the beginning of what will become very involved situation. She will not become more mobile or healthier. Do not sacrifice your own happiness and wellbeing for others.

ViolaLass

If you want to have kids one day, consider this to be your practice of saying "No".

teddysmum

As above, I would make it quite clear to moaning, pushy aunts and uncles, that in these times it is not acceptable to be sexist about caring responsibilities (perhaps hint that you , too, may be moving when you earn your new qualification.)


As gran had DLA and contributions from family, she has enough to buy care (surely the reason for the payments),so if she refuses through stubbornness or is unwilling to part with money, then I'm afraid that this is her choice and if she later comes to expect from you,then the time to tell her so may come.


Don't just bottle things up and so affect your partnership and studies.


Regarding the driving: if she does not voluntarily give her car up,perhaps a word with her GP would allay worries, because I believe they can inform the DVLA about any danger caused by health problems.

TBagpuss

OP, I'd suggest that you peak directly to your gran, as well as to the other family members.

It doesn't need to be a big performance, just something like:
"I wanted to mention to you that [mum & uncles] have been making a few comments to me recently. They seem to be assuming that if you need more help in future, I'll be able to provide that.
I realise you've probably already made your own plans for if you need more help at home or with things such as shopping, but just in case, and since [uncles] seem to be making assumptions about my role in that, I thought I had better speak to you and let you know that I don't anticipate being able to do more than I do at the moment, and possibly less, once I am studying full time.
In the mean time, if you'd like me to help you out with one off stuff such as researching what support is available, or helping you to get set up with internet access so you can do grocery shopping online and get it delivered, let me know and I'll see what I can do"

Then follow up with a letter / email to your mum and uncles.
Something like:

"I'm writing to all of you as I am a bit concerned by comments several of you have made, which suggest that you are assuming I'll be able to provide additional support and care for Grandma if she needs it.
I'm not in a position to do that - and as my personal committment will be increasing in September (or whenever your course starts) I am likely to have less time that I do at present.
I've already spoken to Grandma to suggest that she thinks about what help she may need and how she can source that, but as several of you have made comments suggesting that I will become her carer, I felt it was important to make you aware that that is not going to be possible, and of course you, as her children, are better placed to discuss with her making arrangements for any care of other needs she may have in the future. "

And then keep to it. Offer to call in to visit her when you want to and are free. And if any of the family try to pressure you to do more, then stick to something such as "I'm not available to do that" or "Sorry, I'm not free to do that". You don't have to give an explanation, or details of why you can't do it - vagueness can be your friend (e.g. "I've got too much on" or "I'm very busy")

System

Dont involve your husband. It wouldnt take more than an idle thought for the rest of the family to blame the OPs husband for putting his foot down.

chesky

Judi wrote: »

Dont involve your husband. It wouldnt take more than an idle thought for the rest of the family to blame the OPs husband for putting his foot down.

As long as they as a couple know the truth, why would he care what the rest of the family feel?

silvercar

Mojisola wrote: »

If you do send a letter, make it from you and your husband so they can see they can't badger you alone to become her carer.

Your husband's life would be adversely affected if you took this on so he should have a say in it as well.

Sometimes it is necessary to reply in the language they will understand. If the family are of the view that it is your role as a woman to do all this stuff, replying that your husband requires you to be there for him, not chasing after gran, may help.

I cringe as I write this, but if that is the language they understand it may be easier than educating them on gender bias.

Mojisola

silvercar wrote: »

Sometimes it is necessary to reply in the language they will understand. If the family are of the view that it is your role as a woman to do all this stuff, replying that your husband requires you to be there for him, not chasing after gran, may help.

I cringe as I write this, but if that is the language they understand it may be easier than educating them on gender bias.

For some people, using their gender bias against them is easier than trying to stand up for yourself for the real reasons.

I suggested the letter to come from both of them because anything the OP takes on will affect both their lives. Taking away the emotional angle, if one of the couple wanted to take on extra work or a time-consuming hobby, I expect they would discuss it as a couple and decide whether it was right for them both.

As a couple, I don't see why supporting each other (and letting people who might put pressure on one of you know that) isn't a good idea.