Responsbility of grandparent who has 6 living adult children

badmemory

She's very independent, so I doubt very much if she is going to accept your help with any "personal" care. She has a cleaner, so she's not living in unhygenic conditions. In fact the cleaner is probably doing more than cleaning (unless she works for a cleaning company).

Maybe you could try just doing what I did for some time with my mother. Ring and say I'm out & about this afternoon & thought I would call in to say hello is there anything I can pick up for you. Don't do it every week on the same day though or the whole family will be on you if you have to miss one.

As for driving, have you been in the car with her or has she been involved in an accident. If her eyesight is alright I would stop worrying.

She's an adult and unless she gets dementia then she is not your responsiblility. She isn't then either but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

enthusiasticsaver

No, she is not your responsibility. Sorting out care for her is down to what she will accept and can afford or is entitled to and her children should be arranging that not you. Strange your mum has no problem with moving hours away from her mum but just expects you to fill in. If you are working and have other commitments just say you will do what you can but can't commit to regular visits and just pop in or phone when you can.

pollypenny

Just state categorically that you are unable to make a regular commitment to your grandmother for the reasons you gave in OP.

It's totally unfair to expect that.

Sea_Shell

As others have said. This is NOT your responsibility. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you want to make your own plans with your own family. That is NOT being selfish.

Her care needs are only going to get greater....so if you start down that road, you'll make a bigger rod for your own back.

I think the fact that you only have Uncles, is the main reason that they are not "stepping up", as wrongly, the pressure always seems to fall to the females in families to sort this stuff out!!!

As for the fact that she is financially comfortable, that makes it even worse. She has the means to make her life easier, but refuses to spend a penny. Believe me, I know, some old people can have an aversion to spending any "rainy day" money....they don't seem to realise that IT'S RAINING!!!!!

Stay strong, don't be bullied, and don't feel guilty. Good luck.

Pollycat

LunaLovegood wrote: »

You know that's part of whats annoying me too. This pressure isnt being put on my male cousin who frankly, has much more time on his hands! I'm all for doing my fair share, but my idea of what's fair compared to my shovenist 5 uncles is apparently very different!

I can see what the 'problem' is.
Your Mum did a lot for her Mum before she moved too far away.
Your uncles think it's a woman's responsibility and - you're next on the list.
You need to disabuse them of that once and for all.
Can your Mum step in and tell her brothers it's no more your responsibility than the rest of the grandchildren?

LunaLovegood wrote: »

Officially I havent said anything when they've mentioned all this, just sort of 'hmm yeah we need to discuss a plan' or 'well something needs to change'. So I havent said I'm going to start doing all this. But neither have they come up with another solution.

You need to officially start saying 'no'.
Don't get involved with discussing a plan.

Mojisola wrote: »

Just say no.

If they are on the phone to you and they start, put the phone down.

Do this ^^^

justme111

I think you have to have it clear in your head - you are not abandoning a vulnerable person. You are still going to speak to her and visit the same as before. Some of her increasing needs you surely will be able to meet Because you live closest and because you are in more contact with her historically. The key word is SOME. Like occasional shopping or likely be first in hospital or if she wants someone to be with her on some meetings. That is it. Once you have it clear in your head it will be easier to speak to them and not take on more than you comfortable to. What exact demands have you had up to now from any of them ? How was it phrased?

snoop2008

LunaLovegood wrote: »

Hi everyone :j

Just wanted to ask some opinions about a bit of an uncomfortable situation I'm in.

My grandmother is 82 this month & although very much still mentally healthy, is very limited physically. She is still driving currently however her mobility is very poor & we think she may not renew her DLA car in September (hoping so as really its too dangerous to other road users)

She is fiercely independent & a very intelligent woman. She refuses to accept any home help other than a cleaner that comes in daily & point blank will never go into a home.

She has 6 adult children. 3 live in foreign countries, 2 live a few hours away and 1 lives the other side of the city with his family. The problem is, they are starting to badger me about taking on more responsibility for looking after her i.e. doing her food shopping every week, calling in regularly, and I can only imagine *other* duties when she starts to need it.

I'm feeling a bit resentful by all this. They've all upped & left her & send her a few quid a month & visit her maybe once a year and because I'm the oldest (but by no means only) grandchild still living nearby, they're just insinuating I should be stepping up.

Now, dont get me wrong. I love my family and my grandmother. However we are not very close. She's driven all her children away so you can imagine. She's a difficult woman. I have just left full time work into a part time role & will be studying full time come September. I also plan to have children in the next year or so. My husband & I live off very little money. I dont see how I could either afford or have the time to start looking after an 82 year old when I'm studying/working/pregnant/have kids and to be honest I dont see why I should. They all make money, she has money & I believe she should have a carer doing these things & let me get on with my life like they all have.

I am struggling to speak up to them about this because I just feel like what I am saying sounds incredibly selfish. But I want to enjoy my life with my new husband and studying etc. which they have all done. They are saying its my moral obligation...what about them?

Any thoughts? p.s. we have tried online shopping etc with her but she wont do it. And its not just getting her a food shop, thats just the beginning of what I expect will become more and more like a carer role....help!!

Good morning everyone.. OP. I think the real issue here is one of expectation because your a girl of the next generation. Its never expected for men/ brothers/ uncles to look after elderly mothers/ grandparents .




The decision to put yourself FIRST, and not feel resentful or guilty for turning the other way is very much in your favour right now.


Why?


Your grandmother is fairly healthy and active, has no need for personal care and has a cleaner right now. Her stubbornness to be independent is a good thing!! She is living her life her way.


People can become very dependant and reliant when one person has already began the caring role.. it removes them from all responsibility to support you or the person who needs support. As your the only girl this makes their decision to stay away more so as they may feel because they are men they do not need to help but they do need to help out.


I strongly believe, once you decide to remove some support from your grand, she may begin to realise that she can actually pay someone to come in and do the chores and realise that you actually have a life to live too!




Becoming dependant on you often means avoiding what they can actually do for themselves. An independent gran has the income to make her life better.


Remember it is not ' Selfish', to look after your own needs, and I suggest you live your life and reduce your caring responsibilities.


No one likes change!! Let the family know your intentions and its up to them to decide what they want to do to help out. But what is often the case, they will begin to realise that they have gotten away with caring for your grand, and your no longer in a position to carry on like before.


Do not be afraid, they will realise they can no longer depend on you either and they will find a way, its just that you have taking on this role, so they never had to. It doesn't mean that they don't know what to do, they do, just never did it.

trailingspouse

Your Gran is 82, and while physically she is somewhat restricted these days, she sounds like she is still capable of making her own decisions. Just because you think she should be paying for some level of care, she obviously doesn't think she should. And unless she has a dementia diagnosis, that is absolutely her decision to make.

And I think she's absolutely right not to want to move house - this is her home, possibly she's lived there for decades, raised her family there. And more importantly she knows every inch of it. Moving to a new environment can be the beginning of the end for an old person who is otherwise managing well enough.

Has she (rather than your other relatives) ever suggested that you (or anyone else) should be helping her? What does she want? My parents are 86 and 81, and still manage their lives perfectly well - they don't do some of the things they used to do, they take longer to do some of the things they need to do, and I'm starting to notice the place isn't quite as clean as it used to be. But they would be horrified if they knew about the discussions going on in the family as regards 'what to do with them' in the future.

And as regards the care home scenario - I can't imagine anyone actually wanting to move in to one. But there will likely come a time when she has no choice. From the sound of it, that could be a long way off, and in the meantime what matters is what she wants (which is to be independent) rather than what the family think you should be doing.

clairec79

Just a thought on the weekly shopping (I'm assuming they aren't saying you take her shopping because if so that may mean that they are wanting to ensure she has company for an hour or so at least once a week) maybe suggest to whoever is suggesting you do it that THEY do a internet home delivery for her once a week.

She gets her shopping, you don't have to be committed to doing it and the person who wants her to have her shopping done for her takes that responsibility

globetraveller

Turn the tables on them. Say they need to get together to put in a plan of action for which of them is responsible for whatever needs there are. To be honest - she doesn't sound like she actually needs much. She has a cleaner and can drive.82 doesn't automatically mean no independence. In fact I would even change the word automatically to usually.
Dnot feel guilty. You still visit her, which her children do not.
Why not really put the cat among the pigeons by asking which of them will have their mother to stay with them when she is no longer independent.