The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

Islandmaid

Burtha I know where I would like to stick that magic wand....

Go to GP, explain the situation, of course ask for help for DD, but you will need some too - you can't carry all this on your shoulders forever, you need to offload too. Accept help that friends offer, they wouldn't offer if they didn't mean it. Also tell solicitor about the emotional effects kids are suffering and don't be bullied into getting rid of the house - you are in control now x

As for Shtty X, it's about time that he came down from cloud 9 and realised that he is still a father and he has caused mayhem and needs to support DD in her grief.

My heart goes out to you x it WILL get better x

monnagran

burtha, for once words fail me. I want to hug you and cry with you.

There is one person missing from this saddest of sad stories. How on earth is your DS coping? He must have been so looking forward to a break as well.
You being you, you have rolled up your sleeves and are planning a storm of "getting on with things."
Oh my dear, give yourself a bit of a break. Yes, you must be there for your children, but you will be no use to them if you have a complete breakdown as well.

Please snatch little parcels of time for you, even if its just an early night with a drink and a book or some mindless TV. You have to have the time and opportunity to regroup now and again.

Ditto everything that Islandmaid said. I'll help her with the magic wand!

Love and love and more love to you.

x

ivyleaf

Thinking of you and your family burtha xxxx

mardatha

I might be speaking out of turn here and if I am Burtha then forgive me. But I have to say it! It's not all about the daughter. You need to look after yourself more. Without you, there is no family. If the daughter becomes the centre of attention - then you lose out and so does your son. Plus it's sort of setting a precedent, isn't it... that you then have to keep going. So I'd explain gently but firmly and often. that there are x amount of people in the family and sometimes she will need to fit in with them and consider their feelings too. I'm not saying this to be nasty, just to save you more grief and stress in the future pet xx

[Deleted User]

Deep breath BURTHA.....This time WILL pass and there is a calmer, more benign and far more level life waiting for all of you in the near future. This chapter of your life is far more trying than most and there will be many downs and troughs to climb out of for each of you to reach level ground again. You are such a strong woman, such a good woman and parent you don't deserve that this has happened but it has and you ARE coping as well as it's possible to do. It's an awfully big ask for the kids to comprehend more than that their world has ended and they are grieving for what was at a time when they are only just beginning to make sense of the adult world around them anyway, up in the air without a safety net is how they must be feeling so the melt downs are inevitable. Clich! though it is 'time' and a little bit of distance from the event do give perspective if not peace of spirit and with the perspective comes the knowledge that you as an individual can cope with life after the relationship and there will come a time when you accept, you'll never understand the 'why' any more than I do some 55 years later, but you'll reach that pivotal point where you can walk away from the pain and chaos and feel like making a new future for you all. Hugs to all of you my deary, all we can do is love you and send you our support and we're always here for that, Love Lyn xxx.

elona

burtha

You have done so well to cope with all the driving and upset and even better to be able to turn round when it was necessary and put yourself through it all again.

As others have said DH may well say she is fine but he is not there to see her - except for five minutes!!!!

Please find a way to take care of yourself and finding someone to "offload on " who does not know the people involved can be a godsend.

Hugs

pollyanna_26

burtha Lots of good advice here ,you do need to look after yourself .
If you hit the floor things will really go awry .
Knowing your daughter was already struggling before the soon to be ex dropped his bombshell you do need to be mindful of her struggles .
Are CAMHS involved in her treatment and support?
I can't remember if she was already under their care or waiting assessment .
If the private counselling you mention is for her rather than yourself you need to push for intervention via your GP for CAMHS involvement .
I don't know if you are aware of "Young MInds " which offers free advice and support .
There is a parents helpline 0808 802 5544. Mon - Fri 9.30 -5544 .
They also have an under 25s support line which may help her to order her thoughts and feelings .
Meanwhile please take care of you .
I think you should take your foot off the accelerator regarding packing up boxes . In a way that is enforcing the fact that a home is being torn apart . When the time comes the packing will be done with a proper future home in mind .
I would concentrate on the Dr stuff , the legal and the financial side which will begin to show you the way ahead .
For now just stick together , there aren't any magic wands but in the not too distant future there will be a new life .
Love polly

fuddle

Burtha you can self refer yourself to councelling in our county http://www.talkingchanges.org.uk/ I've provided the link for you, not your DD although it may be of use for her too, I want to give you options. You don't even have to leave your home burtha, you can can talk over the phone.

Just think if you run yourself into the ground making sure everyone is OK and then they do get to be ok, move on and be happy then you go bang! when it hits you. Bad stuff has a habit of cropping up when you're happy again and ruining it. Maybe if you deal with it now properly (I'm not suggesting you aren't dealing with stuff properly but our minds can play silly sods with us without us knowing) it won't keep cropping up later in life. It's just talking burtha but talking that gives you a nudge to open up and come to realisations yourself, for yourself.

Just trying to help burtha.

burtha

Thanks all,
Have self ref to cams , received letter on Monday to say they can't see her and to go to /use school counselling ... she already is doing that so , next step gp or private .
Thank god ds is very chilled out about everything , he can see what's going on and isn't happy about that but is very level ...
Hopefully will stay that way ...
Dd isn't to bad today , back in her comfort zone and wanting to take the dog out ... Small steps
think I am ok really, just having to get my head around stuff I never thought I would have to . But hey ho , will get there
just a couple of trying days
Thankfully sounding off on here and to friends helps ,
Could cheerfully murder the ex mind .... he just messaged dd to say he's now going away now from tomorrow till Tuesday ...with gf ....
I hope they have a fab time :rotfl:
Will have to call him at some point but really can't be bothered.....better things to do
Fish and chips at the beech ,with 2 kids and a mad puppy this afternoon .....

nannywindow

Just popping in to give my support and gentle hugs to Burtha.