Where do I stand if we seperate, not married but have children together

davidwood123

I bet if the roles were reversed you wouldn't want to give him a penny

Caroline_a

Oh dear. Your relationship has ended, it's only natural that you feel resentment, but if you are to move on you have to start acting more logically and rationally.

The most important thing is the children. If your partner won't move out, then you will have to find somewhere else to live and take your partner to court to force the sale of the house. That, of course will involve solicitors fees but they may be able to give you an estimate of the costs, or, as some will do (mine did), agree to wait to be paid until the house is sold.

You will get maintenance for the children. If your partner refuses to pay, you will have to go the Child Support people. You will also have to allow your partner to see his children - that is his right too.

You say you are self employed. Is this something that just brings in a bit of pocket money, or is it a genuine profitable business that will grow into something that will pay the bills? Time to make a firm and realistic business plan.

Agonising about how dreadful your partner is, how women get the rough end of the deal is just a waste of time. If you truly want to go it alone you have to grow up and become independent. Men certainly do not always have it all their own way - my ex gave up his job as he refused to pay me any maintenance. Some years on he is living in a really grotty one bedroom flat on benefits with no hope of a job, no car, no money. Me, I have a good job, a new car, a nice house and a great lifestyle with several holidays a year. But that was because I refused to let things get me down and I worked at life, my job and being independent.

Bitterness won't get you anywhere.

NannyV

I didn't marry him for that reason thank you very much. I have been anti good diggers and all for paying my own way.... But this is why I now find myself in this situation. Maybe people who refuse to have children unless married foresee this situation
I always bend over for others so if roles were reversed and I had enough money to help him and he hadn't cheated etc. Then of course I would see The father of my kids right. If my kids wanted to go on holiday or do a special trip out with him and he had no money Id pay for him to take them! This is why I get so cross as I would do so much more for him than he ever would for me.

POPPYOSCAR

[QUOTE=NannyV;72578731]Alot of girls are raised like this though, the fathers work and that is all, the women do the rest [/B]so its hard. Trust me I insist he does the dishwasher and cooks if I can't and mucks in but this makes him moody. He always talks about how easy his older boss has it as he does nothing at home etc. So this doesn't help. Alot of women can't afford to walk away.... That is my point in many comments of this thread. And then when you try to and you try to find a way to keep a room over your head, people feel sorry for the man because he is expected to provide some help in doing this like in my instance of hoping he will allow me stay in the house and for me to pay for it myself. If he can't find it in him to snap out of the moods.[/QUOTE]

I would say they are in the minority.

I do not know anyone like that.

In fact it is the opposite with my daughter and her boyfriend. He does most of the cooking because he likes to cook and he is a cleaning freak!!

NannyV

Caroline_a wrote: »

Oh dear. Your relationship has ended, it's only natural that you feel resentment, but if you are to move on you have to start acting more logically and rationally.

The most important thing is the children. If your partner won't move out, then you will have to find somewhere else to live and take your partner to court to force the sale of the house. That, of course will involve solicitors fees but they may be able to give you an estimate of the costs, or, as some will do (mine did), agree to wait to be paid until the house is sold.

You will get maintenance for the children. If your partner refuses to pay, you will have to go the Child Support people. You will also have to allow your partner to see his children - that is his right too.

You say you are self employed. Is this something that just brings in a bit of pocket money, or is it a genuine profitable business that will grow into something that will pay the bills? Time to make a firm and realistic business plan.

Agonising about how dreadful your partner is, how women get the rough end of the deal is just a waste of time. If you truly want to go it alone you have to grow up and become independent. Men certainly do not always have it all their own way - my ex gave up his job as he refused to pay me any maintenance. Some years on he is living in a really grotty one bedroom flat on benefits with no hope of a job, no car, no money. Me, I have a good job, a new car, a nice house and a great lifestyle with several holidays a year. But that was because I refused to let things get me down and I worked at life, my job and being independent.

Bitterness won't get you anywhere.

For most of your post thank you.
For the grow up part.... Actually I have thank you and I have always worked, but sadly some people don't earn enough to cover raising kids alone and sometimes its a choice about putting up with doing more at home so the kids have stability. It has changed now that his moods are bad, this changes things and of course I will get independence.... As soon as I have a plan of living and working to do so. Don't be so quick to tell others to grow up

Mojisola

NannyV wrote: »

This is why I get so cross as I would do so much more for him than he ever would for me.

I can understand how angry you are that he isn't being fair - but you'll have to try to put that aside and be more objective while you separate your lives.

It sounds as if you are resentful and angry with yourself because you've put up with his behaviour for so many years and not looked out for yourself.

It won't be good for your children if spend the rest of your life acting like a martyr to his bad ways. You accepted him as he was - he had no reason to change while you stayed and took on all the work that he wouldn't do.

It often is the best thing for the children if they can stay in the family home - I hope you can work it out.

Guest101

NannyV wrote: »

I don't know one father who has had to live on beans on toast to make sure the kids are fed.... I know plenty of single Mums who do so in my experience and of all the males I know, they do seem to get the upperhand in almost everything. We still have issues around men being allowed to have higher salaries than females doing the same job just as well. Enough said about why I have this attitude about men having life easier

Sorry the pay gap is a myth.

If I could make more money as a business owner by hiring women, my whole wirkforce would be women

davidwood123

Guest101 wrote: »

Sorry the pay gap is a myth.

If I could make more money as a business owner by hiring women, my whole wirkforce would be women

Yep.

Women doing the same job don't earn less than men.

The pay gap MYTH is all the wages added together, regardless of jobs.

In fact it's about time we saw more equality in the jobs dominated by men. Forget more women in the boardrooms, we need to see more women taking their fair share of road workers, bin collectors, sewage workers etc

97% of workplace deaths are men. Let's make it 50/50

POPPYOSCAR

Mojisola wrote: »

I can understand how angry you are that he isn't being fair - but you'll have to try to put that aside and be more objective while you separate your lives.

It sounds as if you are resentful and angry with yourself because you've put up with his behaviour for so many years and not looked out for yourself.

It won't be good for your children if spend the rest of your life acting like a martyr to his bad ways. You accepted him as he was - he had no reason to change while you stayed and took on all the work that he wouldn't do.

It often is the best thing for the children if they can stay in the family home - I hope you can work it out.

Possibly, but children soon adapt to a move to a new home.

More important is the relationship between the parents and if this attitude is replicated at home it will do a lot more harm to the children than moving house.

NannyV

Guest101 wrote: »

Sorry the pay gap is a myth.

If I could make more money as a business owner by hiring women, my whole wirkforce would be women

Who said anything about women making more money? I said we still have issues with some companies paying men more money than what they pay a woman who is doing the same job.