Where do I stand if we seperate, not married but have children together

NannyV

Guest101 wrote: »

A court would decide if you couldn't agree. But I would say no, presumably he paid more on the mortgage up until now?

Also you're using his credit to keep the house, thereby preventing him from owning a property.

Why should you benefit from in essence an interest free loan and his credit?

After paying me 1000 a month he would still have 3k a month net for another house. Plus his income is likely to double to 150k and no doubt more than this that he won't declare

Guest101

NannyV wrote: »

After paying me 1000 a month he would still have 3k a month net for another house. Plus his income is likely to double to 150k and no doubt more than this that he won't declare

That isn't really the point, I'm asking why you - a stranger once you separate - should benefit?

He won't get a second mortgage on that salary and would have to rent.

His income is only relevant to the level of child maintenance. Not for your maintenance.

You've also assumed that the kids would stay with you?

Guest101

NannyV wrote: »

Because he is the one who comes home from work, shouts at me 'why is there !!!! everywhere?' when there are letters piled up on the side which are kids school letters and post. Because he then huffs and puffs if I take 2 of the kids to school activities and he has to cook for himself and his child. Because he then has to put the kids to bed but ends up swearing at them and has nothing to do with them apart from shouting at them and ordering them about like they are in the army. And you think I should move out and leave them with him? Because for about the last 2 weeks he storms out slamming the door when I confront him over shouting at the kids and he doesn't come home until 10pm. Because I have always been the one to look after the kids, get up in the night, work as many hrs as I can without the kids having to go into after school child care etc.
His life has not changed since having kids, he has never got up in the night to them as I can not trust him to not end up shouting at them and storming off because he has no patience.
So don't be so quick to judge thinking this is just about finances. At the moment our home life is miserable because he just comes moody and I can't take it anymore. But why should he be able to sell up and afford a nice home while I have to go off and earn minimum wage and get a council house to bring our kids up in. Because I have looked after the kids he has been able to get a decent wage with my support and advice to keep him motivated to do so. I haven't been able to focus on getting a good career because I have been raising the kids and earning minimum wage. I have always worked hard but my kids came first. I find your post rude!

But if he refuses what will you do? That's a reasonable question

NannyV

Guest101 wrote: »

But if he refuses what will you do? That's a reasonable question

Then we will have to sell up and I have no idea where me and the kids will end up I guess I can use my equity to rent until it runs out and in the meantime try and save up enough to be able to pay rent for the rest of my life. He won't want to have the kids full time, being around them is the reason he is moody and shouts all the time so there is no worry of him wanting custody. He will probably be able to buy a nice house and get away from the kids he obviously doesn't want and load a quiet life living on the golf course and have his Mum cook him meals. He will end up with a nice pension and I will end up eating beans on toast 5 days a week and skipping meals so my kids can eat. But hey ho, I'm a female and the males always get the upperhand in life don't they!
That is why I am trying to find out if at all possible I can keep a stable home for my kids, I am more than happy to work hard for it and I don't see why he should be able to have an easy life while I'm left struggling to provide for his kids. But it would seem a few people on here think that he is the hard done by one and doesn't deserve to have the burden of keeping his kids in their current house.

[Deleted User]

NannyV wrote: »

Then we will have to sell up and I have no idea where me and the kids will end up I guess I can use my equity to rent until it runs out and in the meantime try and save up enough to be able to pay rent for the rest of my life. He won't want to have the kids full time, being around them is the reason he is moody and shouts all the time so there is no worry of him wanting custody. He will probably be able to buy a nice house and get away from the kids he obviously doesn't want and load a quiet life living on the golf course and have his Mum cook him meals. He will end up with a nice pension and I will end up eating beans on toast 5 days a week and skipping meals so my kids can eat. But hey ho, I'm a female and the males always get the upperhand in life don't they!
That is why I am trying to find out if at all possible I can keep a stable home for my kids, I am more than happy to work hard for it and I don't see why he should be able to have an easy life while I'm left struggling to provide for his kids. But it would seem a few people on here think that he is the hard done by one and doesn't deserve to have the burden of keeping his kids in their current house.

Did you really say the males get the upper hand!!!

Take it from me there are plenty of fathers out there who don't get to see their kids as much as they would like and get the unfair card dealt with when divorces or splits happen with regards to finances...

Guest101

NannyV wrote: »

Then we will have to sell up and I have no idea where me and the kids will end up I guess I can use my equity to rent until it runs out and in the meantime try and save up enough to be able to pay rent for the rest of my life. He won't want to have the kids full time, being around them is the reason he is moody and shouts all the time so there is no worry of him wanting custody. He will probably be able to buy a nice house and get away from the kids he obviously doesn't want and load a quiet life living on the golf course and have his Mum cook him meals. He will end up with a nice pension and I will end up eating beans on toast 5 days a week and skipping meals so my kids can eat. But hey ho, I'm a female and the males always get the upperhand in life don't they!
That is why I am trying to find out if at all possible I can keep a stable home for my kids, I am more than happy to work hard for it and I don't see why he should be able to have an easy life while I'm left struggling to provide for his kids. But it would seem a few people on here think that he is the hard done by one and doesn't deserve to have the burden of keeping his kids in their current house.

Ignoring your sexist comments - totally out of order by the way!

I don't understand why you would have a rubbish life away from the house? It's just a roof and 4 walls.

If you can afford the mortgage on your own, you can afford the rent.

If, and I do mean if, this is your attitude in real life too, then I think there's blame on both parties. You aren't coming across well. Calm down, make a list of questions, drop the sexist attitude and you will get loads of help.

davidwood123

Guess what, your lifestyle is not his responsibility to maintain.

Time to take charge of your own life. If that means a smaller house, so be it.

His responsibilities are to his children.

And in response to your sexist comments, when it comes to children and separation, women are seen as the better parent by society and the courts.....even when they're not.

NannyV

Guest101 wrote: »

Ignoring your sexist comments - totally out of order by the way!

I don't understand why you would have a rubbish life away from the house? It's just a roof and 4 walls.

If you can afford the mortgage on your own, you can afford the rent.

If, and I do mean if, this is your attitude in real life too, then I think there's blame on both parties. You aren't coming across well. Calm down, make a list of questions, drop the sexist attitude and you will get loads of help.

No I am not perfect, my body is ruined by the kids I gave him, my mind is foggy at times from juggling the kids and work with the sleepless nights I have had to endure as the only parent who gets up to the kids. I don't give him sex as often as he wants for the same reasons of being tired from the kids, I am beginning to have an attitude of actually why should I sacrifice everything whilst he sacrifices nothing apart from his lack of free time to play golf. If i come across as being cross its because you have offended me by implying that he should not have to owe me or the kids anything after everything I have sacrificed.

The sexist attitude is because it comes across that you think this man should be able to walk away with no guilt about not doing the right thing. Do you have a past grudge over the fact that sometimes men have to support their kids if the mother doesn't want to remain in a relationship with them? It sounds a bit like you seem to think its unfair for me to ask him to move out and stop paying the mortgage? It seems like you want to remind me that in fact men can take custody of kids? I seem to have annoyed you by asking for advice on this matter. I am only stating how common it is for some women to be screwed over by some men when it comes to seperation and I don't want to be one of them so thats why Im after financial advice.

I know plenty of men who go above and beyond more than necessary for their ex-wives. I'm not asking for money to keep my life the same, I'm asking that seeing as he can afford to go off and find another house, that he allows us to stay here if I can afford the payments. If we have to move into rented, the kids inheritence goes down the drain. They will be unsettled and uprooted possibly having to change schools. Its quite obvious most people would try to avoid this and most Dads would want to avoid this for their kids. However, he is a very money greedy man with no morals so I am sure he will try to make sure I am screwed over.
He is the one who is in a foul mood, I have not changed to make him like this.

Any yes if I come across as cross its because your questioning comes over as if you are wanting to stand up for the 'man' side of life. I am however not the sort of person to take that sort of stuff and go off quietly, sorry :-)

elsien

People aren't saying he is the hard done by one. What they are saying is that once all the emotion is removed, the house is his as much as it is yours. You wanting him to leave does not mean it will happen if he does not want to go.
I have a relative whose wife wanted him to vacate the family home. He declined because he wanted to stay with his children so in the end she took the kids without telling him and rented somewhere else while they sorted finances out.
It's not about taking sides, its saying that this is a position you may find yourself in so may be another factor you have to take into account.

NannyV

davidwood123 wrote: »

Guess what, your lifestyle is not his responsibility to maintain.

Time to take charge of your own life. If that means a smaller house, so be it.

His responsibilities are to his children.

And in response to your sexist comments, when it comes to children and separation, women are seen as the better parent by society and the courts.....even when they're not.

I never said it was..... Trust me, I don't have much and never have. I am the one who drives around in a car with bits broken and simple things that he could fix but he can't be bothered too. He is the one who drives around in brand new work cars.
We live a modest lifestyle, I'm not a snob, he looks down on people in council houses etc. And it drives me mad. I am not sure I would even quality for a council house having the equity but if I did I would happily downsize. I don't expect to be a 'kept ex' I expect him to provide for his kids and it would be nice if after everything I have sacrificed, that he would in return do the right thing and make it an easy seperation where I don't have to sort out the place to live hassle.