Husband told me he is bi-sexual

lewishardwick

justmydo wrote: »

Ok I have a bit of time to write something out, I am a little more confused now because he is now saying he does not find men attractive at all, it is just the sex side of things that he wants, he also said he has already done some things with a guy before we met, not full sex, but oral sex was involved. He did say he wasn't gay, he also said he does want to be with me, he does not want our marriage to end, but this is something he has to do at some point. (he is not really giving me much choice at the moment with the way he is talking)

I feel he should have told me all this before he married me, yes it would be difficult to admit, but I feel like my marriage has been based on a lie, he felt this way before he even met me, he has always wanted to do these things, so why wait almost 20 years before admitting it? We have had a happy marriage, with no major issues, I do love him, and up until he told me this I thought he was happy too, I had no reason to think otherwise, its not the fact he may be bi-curious or bi-sexual that is the problem for me, people find all kinds of things attractive, its the fact he actively wants to take the fantasies and make them a reality, he said that fantasising about it is not enough for him, its the experience he wants. He did say he would not want me involved in any way, he does not want me to watch, he does not want me around if he does it, so even if I was ok with it he is not going to include me anyway, he said this would just be for him.

I did ask if he already had someone in mind and he said no, that there is not a guy who made him tell me, for him it is more the fact he is getting older and has been thinking about life and what would make him happy etc.

Gender does not matter, I would feel the same way if he had told me he wants to go out and sleep with other girls, maybe I am just old fashioned but I have always felt that if you want to sleep around then that is fine but why get married? (unless of course its agreed on beforehand that it will be an open marriage, thats fine if its what you both want, at least you know where you stand) I feel like I have been blindsided, it is so out of the blue, if someone had told me my husband wanted to sleep with a man I would have laughed in their face, that is why I feel I no longer know the man I married. I did not sign up for an open marriage, he has had his entire life knowing about these feelings, but he sprung it on me and not only wants me to be ok with it, but to also be ok with him going out and doing it.

Everyone is different, some people would be fine with all this, some people might want to join in etc but it is just not for me at all, I suppose I have my answer to if this is over because I can't see any way around it, I will never be ok with him going out, sleeping with someone else, then coming home and acting like nothing happened. If I had known from the start he had these feelings then maybe it would be different, we could have laid everything out on the table, I would have known what I was getting myself into, I know lots of bi-sexual people don't cheat, but he wants this, thats the part I am struggling with.

Hi OP.

I'm sorry to read this news. I can only imagine how stressful and upsetting it must be.

I think your husband needs to be more reasonable. He has had many, many years to come to terms with his sexuality. He is expecting you to do it in days. That isn't on.

I have a close friend who came out as 'bi'. He is married, still is. They have a child together. He has said he's wanted to try stuff with a guy, but realises that he is married, monogamous and actually loves his wife. So will no act on his 'desires'. I think he has gone as far buying a sex toy to do the anal thing.

I know this situation isn't really the same as yours.

Your husband has done the right thing in telling you before anything happens. Do bear in mind, him doing things earlier in life doesn't necessarily mean he's been deceitful. If I had £10 for every time I was told I was 'going through a phase', I'd have a very nice car! He may well have thought the same all those years ago.

At this stage, he needs to be completely honest, if has told you the truth, now it your time to contemplate. You need to decide how to proceed, he has shown his hand, he has to wait now. If he has any ounce of respect for you, he will.

From your posts on this thread, you seem to have a few choices, you can allow him to seem out others for his sexual desires, you can flat out say no, or of you feel so strongly, divorce? None of these options are going to be emotionally easy for you.

Take your time. Talk to someone if you can.

Good luck!

z1a

Can't help but laugh at user name of previous poster, given the subject.

Lioness_Twinkletoes

Cloth_of_Gold wrote: »

Yes, but some of us try to be sensitive in our replies. Others are jumping to wild conclusions and saying things which in my opinion aren't at all helpful.

Quite. The point of a public forum.

Fireflyaway

Knowing your husband kept this from you for so long is bound to be hurtful. Its good he told you but its a bit late if he has felt this way so long. You must feel betrayed that you married him almost under false pretences.
I think many people are curious or have fantasies but the fact he wants to act on them is different. What if he caught an STI? (Nothing to do with the fact he is bi by the way just that its someone else you know nothing about) or realised he was falling for the guy?
It must be hard for your husband too. I guess he loves you and told you because he didn't want to go behind your back and he doesn't want to lose you. Things have changed though. The situation is now different to when you married so in a way its like a bereavement. All I can suggest is counselling to see if you can agree on a solution with an impartial person guiding you. I know you won't be the first or last going through this.
For me I couldn't accept it. Like you not because its a man just because it goes against your marriage promises. Harsh as it sounds I think I'd have to leave. I'd wish him all the best and be thankful for many happy years but move on.

samtoby

OP I am sure this has been a huge shock and I can't imagine how you are feeling.

The issue is how does the husband know what he may feel after the actual 'experience'. If you try something you have thought about and desired to do quite often you then want to do it more? Through sexual experiences, we choose our preferences. Whose to say that after the experience he might decide that he wants to have the 'experience' again?

Gender is irrelevant as many have said - he is asking to cheat, and asking to break his marriage vows.

I don't know what he is asking because I think its more than likely he will do it anyway. When someone tells you not to do something sometimes you just do it - its part of human nature. It just depends on your morals.

Hard_Up_Hester

My husband of 25 years suddenly announced that he hadn't had enough sexual partners before we married and so he 'needed' to find more.
He looked into swinging as a 'single' man and found he was not in demand.
He decided I should become involved too and that we should 'swing' as a couple.
It wasn't until out first 'meeting' that he realised that I would be expected to have sex with the other husband whilst he had sex with the wife.
He genuinely thought that I would be sat doing cross stitch as no-one could possibly want to have sex with me.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Hard_Up_Hester wrote: »

My husband of 25 years suddenly announced that he hadn't had enough sexual partners before we married and so he 'needed' to find more.
He looked into swinging as a 'single' man and found he was not in demand.
He decided I should become involved too and that we should 'swing' as a couple.
It wasn't until out first 'meeting' that he realised that I would be expected to have sex with the other husband whilst he had sex with the wife.
He genuinely thought that I would be sat doing cross stitch as no-one could possibly want to have sex with me.

Not a lifestyle I'd be into, but that really made me laugh.

Did he decide it wasn't so much fun after that, or did he get over himself?

Hard_Up_Hester

We got divorced, it wasn't a lifestyle I was into either, to this day he still doesn't really understand why I left him.
I tried so hard to make him understand how upset I was, but he really couldn't grasp it.

Hermia

Hard_Up_Hester wrote: »

He genuinely thought that I would be sat doing cross stitch as no-one could possibly want to have sex with me.

My apologies, but that sentence made me spit tea all over my laptop!

This is not uncommon. I know a few women whose spouses claimed they did not believe in monogamy and wanted an open relationship, but were then horrified when their wives pointed out that an open relationship means both of them could have other relationships. I have one friend who is into the swinger scene and she says a lot of new male swingers get quite disgruntled when they discover their wife is far more in demand than they are!

BucksLady

Hard_Up_Hester wrote: »

.
I tried so hard to make him understand how upset I was, but he really couldn't grasp it.

He didn't deserve you Hester, and you most certainly didn't deserve him.