Husband told me he is bi-sexual

justmydo

I have nobody to talk to about this, it is not the kind of thing I could talk about with my family.

My Husband came to me last night and told me he needed to talk to me, he told me he has been keeping from me the fact that he is bi-sexual (this then changed to bi-curious) he told me he wants to do things with another guy, as well as have the guy do things to him, he also said if he lived the rest of his life without doing these things he would have major regrets. I asked him how long he had felt this way and his answer was since he was a teenager. I also asked what he hoped to acheive by telling me and he told me he hoped I would understand enough to let him "do this".

We have been married for 14 years, together for 17 (no children), and he has never once even hinted at finding men attractive, never mind wanting to do anything sexual with a man. I am now feeling like the last almost 20 years of my life has been wasted on a guy who couldn't be honest with me about something as big as this, if I had known this I would not have married him, not that I have anything against bi-sexual people at all, its just with the way he worded it last night about the whole regret thing its like he is going to do this no matter what, I feel like I am obviously not enough for him, I also feel like I do not know my husband. I might feel a bit different if he had just told me he was attracted to guys, but the fact he wants to do sexual things and would regret it if he didn't is what has made it a problem for me.

I have no desire to know my husband would be sleeping with someone else, male or female, he seems to think because its a male and not another female that I would somehow be ok with him skipping off into the sunset to spend the night with another man. Of course he said it would be a one off and he would not want to take it any further than that, he just wants to experience it or he will regret it.

I have absolutely zero idea where to go from here, no idea how I should even feel, which is why he is in bed right now asleep and I am sat awake on my computer at 2am. Honestly I feel like packing my bags and leaving, then I jump to thinking of the life we have had together and I am back to square one again. All I do know for sure right now is if he did go out and do this things would never be the same and I would not be ok with it at all.

Is there any going back from this? Should I just get out now and save myself the pain of later finding out he has gone out and done these things? (assuming he ever does, but even if he doesn't is there any going back now I know he wants to?) am I over reacting?

If anyone has any advice no matter how small I would appreciate it.

PeacefulWaters

Heavy stuff.

I think this boils down to your views on monogamy within marriage.

Don't get too hung up on the gender side of things. It's quite normal for a bisexual to remain faithful in a relationship. The process of "coming out" is quite brave and difficult to do. So, again, while there is a failure to have been honest and open with you previously, he may also have been trying to convince himself that he was straight.

The big issue for me is his desire to stray. That to me is something that would become a deal breaker if he acted on it.

In my straight marriage I "wanted" to sleep with lots of attractive women but never acted on it. My rule book says that you don't. So I didn't.

While I advocate not making any rash decisions in the immediate future I do think you need to draw a red line at what behaviour from him is and isn't acceptable and what the consequences will be.

Meanwhile, give yourself time to come to terms with the whole situation. That may lead to you staying. It may lead to you leaving.

FBaby

I'm really sorry this has landed on you. It sounds like your husband wants his cake and eat it. He is going through some sort of midlife crisis, questioning 'what else is there to my life', which is common to many people at some stage in their lives. In the case of your OH, it's about exploring other sexual experiences.

However, what he is forgetting is that this is not acceptable in a marriage and deluding himself that the fact it involves sexual experience with the same sex is no different in any way than if it was with another woman.

He clearly wants the marriage and his fun, so is asking for your approval so he can go ahead without guilt or concern over how it affects you (because after all, you gave your approval).

Tell him that whatever his sexual fantasies, he is asking you to agree to him cheating and you are not ok with this at all, so he will have to either accept that some things he would have liked to try, he won't ever get the chance to (don't we all!), or if his sexual desires are to take a priority in his life, then he needs to accept that his marriage is over.

What a bombshell if you thought you were happily married without any issues. Whatever you do/decide, don't let him mentally manipulate you to accept that his requests are reasonable. They are not -for most people, but when they are, it's usually discussed much earlier in the marriage-.

Gloomendoom

justmydo wrote: »

Is there any going back from this? Should I just get out now and save myself the pain of later finding out he has gone out and done these things? (assuming he ever does, but even if he doesn't is there any going back now I know he wants to?) am I over reacting?

If anyone has any advice no matter how small I would appreciate it.

I can appreciate that it can be a bit of a shock to find out that your spouse has sexual fantasies about members of their own gender.

Rather than letting him gratify himself behind your back, you could share the experience.

justme111

I do not see a big deal with it. What if his fantasy was to .... a sheep , would you have taken it personally as well ? You are free to draw a line anywhere you see fit of course. What if you got an access to his feelings and found out that he is regularly lasting after any attractive woman he comes across ? Would you find it possible to live with him if this was the case as there would be no action taken on his thoughts ? My ex had several flings but I did not mind as I never felt it impacted on me and did not involve lies; he is an ex for other reasons.
I always found the concept of monogamy a bit arbitrary. Why is it ok to enjoy conversation or dance or a game of chess or squash or massage but not ok to enjoy sex with a human being other than your partner ? It is just a social convention and those change depending on society and times. Do not let those conventions that came from evolutionary purpose to ensure passing of genetic material to spoil your life.
Of course it is better if it is discussed earlier. People are not machines though , they are not to know how important their fantasies are to become for then in the future.

motorguy

justmydo wrote: »

I have no desire to know my husband would be sleeping with someone else, male or female, he seems to think because its a male and not another female that I would somehow be ok with him skipping off into the sunset to spend the night with another man. Of course he said it would be a one off and he would not want to take it any further than that, he just wants to experience it or he will regret it.

I would like to experience blowing £10K on a night of hookers and cocaine in Vegas but i cant see my wife agreeing to it - nor would i put pressure on her to let me.

Just because he would like to experience it or he will regret it doesnt mean (a) he has to act on it and (b) you have to let him.

He made wedding vows which he is now proposing breaking just because he would like the experience.

If you'd come to him saying you fancied having sex with 6 other men at one time as you'd like to experience it, i cant see him having been too chuffed.

It would be a firm no from me. If he wants to explore his previously hidden sexuality, then it would be an either / or for me.

motorguy

FBaby wrote: »

Tell him that whatever his sexual fantasies, he is asking you to agree to him cheating and you are not ok with this at all, so he will have to either accept that some things he would have liked to try, he won't ever get the chance to (don't we all!), or if his sexual desires are to take a priority in his life, then he needs to accept that his marriage is over.

Wholly agree with this.

Gloomendoom

FBaby wrote: »

Tell him that whatever his sexual fantasies, he is asking you to agree to him cheating

Surely it is only cheating if she doesn't agree and he goes behind her back.

She may come round to it once the initial shock has worn off.

pinkshoes

The gender here is irrelevant. He is asking your permission to 'cheat' on you?

Personally I would say no way! Curiosity should be sorted out before marriage!

Cloth_of_Gold

Whatever you do, don't be hasty and, as PeacefulWaters says, give yourself time to come to terms with what you have been told. Your husband has clearly had a lot of time to think about this but you haven't and you need time to work out exactly how you feel about it. One positive from this is that he has discussed it with you and not just done something behind your back. As for him not telling you before, he may well have been struggling with these issues for a long time and was too frightened/embarrassed to tell you. It was naturally a huge thing for you to learn this but it was doubtless a huge thing for him to tell you.

It's very important to keep talking about it even though I realise this will be very difficult for you. As part of your ongoing conversation he needs to understand that whilst he has desires and needs in this situation so do you and your feelings cannot be completely disregarded.

Angry_Bear

justme111 wrote: »

I do not see a big deal with it. What if his fantasy was to .... a sheep , would you have taken it personally as well ? You are free to draw a line anywhere you see fit of course. What if you got an access to his feelings and found out that he is regularly lasting after any attractive woman he comes across ? Would you find it possible to live with him if this was the case as there would be no action taken on his thoughts ? My ex had several flings but I did not mind as I never felt it impacted on me and did not involve lies; he is an ex for other reasons.
I always found the concept of monogamy a bit arbitrary. Why is it ok to enjoy conversation or dance or a game of chess or squash or massage but not ok to enjoy sex with a human being other than your partner ? It is just a social convention and those change depending on society and times. Do not let those conventions that came from evolutionary purpose to ensure passing of genetic material to spoil your life.
Of course it is better if it is discussed earlier. People are not machines though , they are not to know how important their fantasies are to become for then in the future.

While I understand where you're coming from, the point (I think) as that the rules of this marriage have always been "just the two of them", and now he wants permission to go and get his rocks off because he fancies it.
Of course, if both parties agreed that actually they were fine with either of them sleeping with other people then that's one thing, but I don't get the impression that that's likely from the OP.
From the OP, it sounds like the answer (for this couple) is, "no, you can't cheat on me" (we all have to accept in life that there are some things we won't get the chance to try). But I agree that they should talk about it and explore options to see what will work for them.