Husband told me he is bi-sexual

FBaby

Justme I think you missed the part where OP says that her husband has asked to let her act on his fantasies. That's the bit that is the issue (even if I agree that the content of the fantasy isn't so much h so).

Of course asking if you can cheat is not doing so but I think that for the vast najority of people in long term committed marriages it might as well be. Would you trust your partner to not go ahead secretly or to do so but somehow not harbour resentment at having to suppress your inner desires?

justme111

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Of course, if both parties agreed that actually they were fine with either of them sleeping with other people then that's one thing, but I don't get the impression that that's likely from the OP.
.

Of course if it is not acceptable to her than that is it. I was just pointing out that she may review her stance as there are reasons to do it (saving good otherwise I assume marriagr) and no good reasons not to.
Fbaby , I suppose if she says no than that is the end of the marriage as indeed resentment would be there and doubt.
I mentioned fantasies about other women not as comparison to op's situation but as an example of how blurred is the line of acceptable. I am sure many (most of us) would not have accepted them if we knew about them but as we can not get inside other's heads we live with people who might well have them. So it is not moral ground but just practicality of not being able mind read that makes the line drawn generally at "no physical sexual contact" rather than at "no lasting after other for more than 2 minutes weekly":D

Gloomendoom

FBaby wrote: »

Justme I think you missed the part where OP says that her husband has asked to let her act on his fantasies. That's the bit that is the issue (even if I agree that the content of the fantasy isn't so much h so).

In my opinion, the fact that your spouse may be bisexual/curious/whatever is quite a big mountain to climb.

Adding, in the same breath, that you might want to act on your curiosity is expecting too much at such an early stage.

System

its just with the way he worded it last night about the whole regret thing its like he is going to do this no matter what, I feel like I am obviously not enough for him, I also feel like I do not know my husband. I might feel a bit different if he had just told me he was attracted to guys, but the fact he wants to do sexual things and would regret it if he didn't is what has made it a problem for me.

So he thinks telling you before he does it makes it alright?

Selfish, purely selfish!

hazyjo

Sounds to me like he thinks he's actually gay, not bi. You'd only have regrets if you thought you were living a lie - you don't regret not acting out on curiosity.


My close friend is very happily married to a bisexual man. He wouldn't cheat on her with a man or a woman. My BF has had 'experiences' with the same sex. So have I. So what. Wouldn't have cheated on him to experience it.


Ask him if he thinks he's actually gay and living a lie. If not, tell him cheating on you is absolutely not acceptable.


Sounds to me like he's met someone who this might all be possible with. I doubt it's come out the blue and he'll go out looking. Not saying he's done anything already, but I think that 'someone' is in the picture already.


Jx

IAmWales

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I can appreciate that it can be a bit of a shock to find out that your spouse has sexual fantasies about members of their own gender.

Rather than letting him gratify himself behind your back, you could share the experience.

My thoughts too, would bringing a third person in who you could both enjoy be an option? If you book a professional then it is a non emotional arrangement (I'd be more bothered at him having an emotional bond with someone else than the sex itself). An experienced professional will have seen this arrangement many times, and will be able to put you both at ease, and will respect any boundaries you have mutually agreed.

FBaby

Of course if it is not acceptable to her than that is it. I was just pointing out that she may review her stance as there are reasons to do it (saving good otherwise I assume marriagr) and no good reasons not to.

No issue at all with your personal stance on the matter if it works for you, but don't think OP needs pointing out that she might have good reason to change her stance. For most people, especially those married long term, there is no need to consider such an alternative approach to intimacy because it is just not an option they are or will ever be prepared to consider.

I think the tone of OP's post is pretty clear that it isn't for her, as she believed it never was for her husband either.

If I was in OP's position, the point that would really make me angry is this expectation that I should accept his desires because otherwise it would lead to regrets. I wish I'd become a solicitor, and I wish I'd had another child, but there comes a time in life when you have to accept that there are things you will never do because of the choices we've made in life. I think it is a very selfish attitude to expect others to accept your wishes even though doing so will cause of a lot of pain and likely loss just for the purpose of avoiding regrets.

FBaby

Sounds to me like he's met someone who this might all be possible with. I doubt it's come out the blue and he'll go out looking. Not saying he's done anything already, but I think that 'someone' is in the picture already.

I totally agree with this. I expect he wants to have his fun without losing what he's got with OP, so wants her approval under the pathetic excuses of regret to be able to have both worlds, regardless of the anguish it would cause the person he is supposed to love.

MEM62

You husband is seeking your consent to commit an act of infidelity. The sex of the third party is irrelevant. And to be honest, he will probably go ahead with or without your consent - your consent only being needed to make it easier for him.

You have two choices, wither accept this as a part of your marriage or don't. Make the decision any more complicated than that and you are just muddying the waters and creating extra grief for yourself.

Small compensation it may seem at the moment but this announcement does not mean that the last 20 years have been 'wasted'. I assume that, up to this point the marriage was OK and that you have had a lot of good years during which you were happy? Devastating though it may be, that's not wiped out by his recent revelation and you may come to appreciate that in time. People change and relationships end, that doesn't cancel out everything that went before.

justme111

FBaby wrote: »

don't think OP needs pointing out that she might have good reason to change her stance. For most people, especially those married long term, there is no need to consider such an alternative approach to intimacy because it is just not an option they are or will ever be prepared to consider.

I think the tone of OP's post is pretty clear that it isn't for her

People change their opinion and stance on many aspects of life with time. What is wrong with it ? What is the honor of being adamant one never will? Most people are not that interested in same gender sex but op's husband is. What good for her is what most people would or would not do - she is not in a position of "most people" .