Husband told me he is bi-sexual

motorguy

The more i think of it, the more banal it is. Its like someone else said him coming home and saying "i've always really fancied having sex with the fit girl in the office and i will always regret it if i dont, would you mind if i do?"

FBaby

Indeed, where do those regrets end... I think I am going to regret never experiencing what it's like being the owner of a Ferrari, so darling, is it ok if I sell the house and buy my car, which of course, you are not allowed to ever drive yourself, but you know, if I don't do it, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the regret!!

justmydo

Ok I have a bit of time to write something out, I am a little more confused now because he is now saying he does not find men attractive at all, it is just the sex side of things that he wants, he also said he has already done some things with a guy before we met, not full sex, but oral sex was involved. He did say he wasn't gay, he also said he does want to be with me, he does not want our marriage to end, but this is something he has to do at some point. (he is not really giving me much choice at the moment with the way he is talking)

I feel he should have told me all this before he married me, yes it would be difficult to admit, but I feel like my marriage has been based on a lie, he felt this way before he even met me, he has always wanted to do these things, so why wait almost 20 years before admitting it? We have had a happy marriage, with no major issues, I do love him, and up until he told me this I thought he was happy too, I had no reason to think otherwise, its not the fact he may be bi-curious or bi-sexual that is the problem for me, people find all kinds of things attractive, its the fact he actively wants to take the fantasies and make them a reality, he said that fantasising about it is not enough for him, its the experience he wants. He did say he would not want me involved in any way, he does not want me to watch, he does not want me around if he does it, so even if I was ok with it he is not going to include me anyway, he said this would just be for him.

I did ask if he already had someone in mind and he said no, that there is not a guy who made him tell me, for him it is more the fact he is getting older and has been thinking about life and what would make him happy etc.

Gender does not matter, I would feel the same way if he had told me he wants to go out and sleep with other girls, maybe I am just old fashioned but I have always felt that if you want to sleep around then that is fine but why get married? (unless of course its agreed on beforehand that it will be an open marriage, thats fine if its what you both want, at least you know where you stand) I feel like I have been blindsided, it is so out of the blue, if someone had told me my husband wanted to sleep with a man I would have laughed in their face, that is why I feel I no longer know the man I married. I did not sign up for an open marriage, he has had his entire life knowing about these feelings, but he sprung it on me and not only wants me to be ok with it, but to also be ok with him going out and doing it.

Everyone is different, some people would be fine with all this, some people might want to join in etc but it is just not for me at all, I suppose I have my answer to if this is over because I can't see any way around it, I will never be ok with him going out, sleeping with someone else, then coming home and acting like nothing happened. If I had known from the start he had these feelings then maybe it would be different, we could have laid everything out on the table, I would have known what I was getting myself into, I know lots of bi-sexual people don't cheat, but he wants this, thats the part I am struggling with.

Angry_Bear

motorguy wrote: »

The more i think of it, the more banal it is. Its like someone else said him coming home and saying "i've always really fancied having sex with the fit girl in the office and i will always regret it if i dont, would you mind if i do?"

^^ This. The gender of the person involved is irrelevant.
If he came home and said ""I've always really fancied having sex with the fit girl in the office and I will always regret it if I don't, would you be up for it if I invited her over for a threesome?" or "I've always really fancied having sex with the fit girl in the office and I will always regret it if I don't, and I know you've always had a thing for that hunk in accounts, how would you feel about being a bit more open in our relationship?" then that would be one thing. But the way the OP describes it is exactly as you say.

Cross posted with the OP above, so ETA:

justmydo wrote: »

...He did say he wasn't gay, he also said he does want to be with me, he does not want our marriage to end, but this is something he has to do at some point.

"I fooled around with some blondes before we met. I still want to be with you even though you're brunette. I'm not hung up on blondes, but I'm going to have to sleep with one at some point. "
K.N.O.B.

bugslet

It isn't something he has to do, it's something he wants to do.

You can simply answer, that you would have to divorce him. That isn't something you want to do, but the situation has been forced upon you.

Of course, saying that you could simply walk away ignores the emotional impact and the financial, it really is not easy to walk away after so long on any level.

Would he consider counselling? I'm not a big fan of it myself, but it may clarify things for him having a neutral party to ask questions, and who knows, it may clarify your own thinking one way or another.

Gloomendoom

motorguy wrote: »

Firstly, the O/Ps husband HASNT changed. Hes felt like this since before they got married and kept it from her.

Secondly, its not up to the O/P to "like it or lump it", its up to the husband to pee or get off the pot as it were.

He presumably didn't have the same sense of certainty when they married. That is what has changed. There is nothing she can do about that. She either accepts that he is bisexual or she doesn't.

Either hes committed to the monogamous hetrosexual marriage he signed up to OR hes bisexual and exploring his sexuality with other partners. I dont agree that he can have both, nor should the onus be on his wife to be "understanding" and just accept it.

Of course he can have both.

But, and it is a big but, only if she is happy for him to have both. It doesn't sound like she is. Not at the moment anyway.

I agree that, if she isn't happy for him to satisfy his cravings in a physical way, then he shouldn't indulge in them.

bugslet wrote: »

It isn't something he has to do, it's something he wants to do.

Agreed. He sounds rather selfish.

System

There used to be a forum user on here who was in a mixed sexuality open marriage. I seem to recall both partners were ok with this, from the outset. The problem in your case is the secrecy. It may also be a good idea to get yourself (and him) checked out at the clinic, as MSMs have a higher risk of infection and HIV.

BrassicWoman

ah, no, see


he is confusing "bisexual" and "adulterous"


one is just how he is and needs no agreement on your part


the other is a terrible thing to land on you as "a thing he must do or he will regret", and should be kicked into touch. "Let's have a chat about.." is one thing, laying a guilt trip on you is another.

Gloomendoom

motorguy wrote: »

I would be absolutely saying "no, if you want a relationship with someone else, then we separate and divorce and you go and do that.

Maybe he just wants gay sex, not a relationship.

He wouldn't be alone. The number of demolished public conveniences is a testament to that.

motorguy

justmydo wrote: »

I suppose I have my answer to if this is over because I can't see any way around it, I will never be ok with him going out, sleeping with someone else, then coming home and acting like nothing happened. If I had known from the start he had these feelings then maybe it would be different, we could have laid everything out on the table, I would have known what I was getting myself into, I know lots of bi-sexual people don't cheat, but he wants this, thats the part I am struggling with.

Wholly agree with this.

Its an either / or - either he commits to your marriage OR the marriage ends.

Thats the harsh reality of it.